Sugar-coating it is only going to give me cavities

9 Jun

Recently, the following comment was made on StepMom support page:  I was going so subscribe to her blog but now I will recommend that people to NOT subscribe because of her entry ‘No one’s the B….’ This is not neccessary (sic), professional, or Godly. This is a big let down. Why would anyone put this title except to do a ‘shock’ piece. She is more creative and did not have to go to this low level.”

I love controversy. 

At first I was taken aback by this man’s (yes, I said MAN) criticisms.  I assume that the “offending” post is “Who’s the Bitch:  BM or SM?” which is about BMs and SMs taking ownership for their part in making a relationship work; although it is possible that this man was offended by my many references to the book “No One’s the Bitch” or the fact that “No One’s the Bitch” is listed on my blogroll.  I’m also going to assume that he didn’t take the time to read the post, which is a shame since it’s the mostly widely read and discussed piece that I’ve written.  He probably stopped at the word “bitch”, clicked off and went on to warn the general public about my use of profanity.  What a shame.

The purpose of this blog is to look at the ugly side of being a BioMom and a StepMom without ever pointing fingers, and somehow, brainstorming a solution.  Being a BioStepMom, I am well aware that there are three sides to every story (hers, mine and the truth).  If I wrote a fairy tale version of what it’s like to be in a StepMom or BioMom’s shoes, I’d be doing a grave disservice to you, the reader.  I could sugar-coat it, I suppose.  We could run through our imaginary Candy Land together: a place where BioMoms and StepMoms hug to greet each other at pick-ups and drop-offs; a place where our stepchildren tell us how much they love and appreciate us while smothering us with hugs; a place where BioMoms, StepMoms and DearHusbands take a blissful vacation together; a place where all telephone conversations were pleasant—but I’d be lying and you know it.  The ugly truth is that most of us are dirty and sweating bullets in the trenches of parenting.  Some of us are in active combat while others engage in a cold war.   And sometimes we refer to the other woman as a bitch.  That’s right, I said it:  B-I-T-C-H.  For some of us, it flows freely out of our mouths while for others, it comes out laboriously after we have been pushed to the edge.  Sometimes we even go so far as to add colorful adjectives in front of it.  In some cases, it makes us feel better while others are ashamed that they’ve succumbed to a “lower self” moment.  But the truth is, like it or not, many of us use that word.

My commitment to you is to always tell the truth.  Sometimes it’s not pretty.  My intent is not to offend, but to work through the ugliness and issues that we encounter during our parenting journey while providing support and a safe place for StepMoms and BioMoms to land. I’ll never sugar-coat it.  It’s just not my style.

As for my detractor, I wonder if he even knows about “No One’s the Bitch” and if he does know about it, does he discourage women from reading it because of the title?  Does he realize how it has inspired women to form some kind of working relationship with the “other mother”? 

Ultimately, I really do have to thank him.  After his post, my blog hits spiked and my subscribers doubled.  That says to me that our community of moms is more interested in what’s real than a candy-coated version of the truth.  

Am I completely wrong?  Tell me:  have you ever called the other woman a bitch or something worse? 

 And for those of you who are counting, I’ve written the word “bitch” eight times and none of them were used in a malicious manner.

10 Responses to “Sugar-coating it is only going to give me cavities”

  1. Remaining Anonymous Today June 10, 2010 at 6:55 am #

    I have called the bm Psycho Twit, Bitch, Slut, Whore, Psycho Bitch, Bowel Movement, Bitchy Mom, Egg Donor, and more I’m sure…


    I totally prefer it if you write reality rather than sugar-coated garbage.

  2. Rachel June 10, 2010 at 7:06 am #

    Wow! I’m getting this male 1. has never been in this situation and has no room to talk bc he has no comprehension and 2. he must miss out on a lot of dog shows ;).

    I have definitely referred to the ex as a B%^&* or See you next tuesday but only after much exasperation. I know the premise of the book, “No One’s the B&^*^” and have read excerpts but I know I will never read this book. BM uses borderline abusive parenting techniques and has recently tried to rekindle things with my husband, knowing he has been married to me 4x longer than her and that we have a beautiful son together. I WISH that there was hope for a caring and understanding relationship regarding my lovely SD but that is not the case. BM continually defies court orders and either does not have SD’s best interest in mind or does not understand what SD’s best interests are. I can only control my reactions and make the best decisions for SD and work on maintaining my sanity. 🙂

    • BioStep June 10, 2010 at 9:59 am #

      Not only does he probably turn the volume down during the dog shows, he has probably missed out on lots of literature.

  3. The Step In Mom June 10, 2010 at 9:39 am #

    This is my first time ever seeing your page, and I haven’t done much back reading (saw your post over at stepchicks).

    He seems awfully judgemental for such a “Godly” person. There is no sugar coating what it is like to have a blended family.

    Sure BM and I are civil in public, but I have called her a bitch and much worse (sometimes to her face, but not in front of the kid) when it was applicable. Like when she crashed our family (me, Hubby and SS) vacation and took SS. I didn’t scream and throw a fit, but I told her in no uncertain terms what I thought about her.

    On the otherhand she has done the same to me, difference being, she talks about me in front of the Kid.

    Obviously this guy isn’t in a step family situation or else he would realize everything isn’t roses and cream.

    • BioStep June 10, 2010 at 9:54 am #

      I looked at his Facebook profile and it appears that he is a stepfather (many of the books he has listed are stepfamily/stepfather books). However, SD/BD dynamics are much different than SM/BM dynamics.

  4. Erin June 21, 2010 at 6:29 am #

    Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch.

    I’m friends with Jennifer Newcomb Marine and I would consider myself one of your friends as well m’love. I implore you to keep using the word bitch, shit, crap, damn and whatever else makes your boat float or helps you get things off your chest.

    Last I checked, your blog (and mine for that matter) are to discuss the real feelings behind being in our shoes. If those feelings make you feel like you need to drop an f-bomb then go for it. Drop away!!!!


    • BioStep June 21, 2010 at 8:14 am #

      When this came up, I told ES I was going to “take a play out of Erin’s playbook” and have an “if you don’t like it, don’t read it” attitude. You’re my inspiration to keep telling the truth as I see it. If that makes me “ungodly” and foul-mouthed, then the Lord can deal with me on Judgement Day.

      Thanks for your support Sister Erin!

      Sister BioStep
      Our Lady of Martyred Stepmother

      • BioStep June 21, 2010 at 8:28 am #

        Perhaps I should change that to “Our Lady of Perpetual Bitching” 😉

  5. stepmumoftheyear July 2, 2010 at 8:45 pm #

    My most recent pungent comment was that my stepsons’ mother is a “wanker”, spurred by her compulsion to sign off every passive-aggressive email with a statement along the lines of:

    “The boys are extraordinarily spectacular!”

    “The boys are simply joyous. Parenting them is effortless these days.”

    “The boys are truly incredible. I am so LUCKY to have such amazing, loving children and such a close family life with them.”

    Every stepmother will realise that these comments are her effort to convince us that the children love her best and are parented by her better than they are by us. It’s ridiculous, because there is absolutely nothing “effortless” about parenting her three energetic sons, and she knows it!

    So now my partner and I occasionally sign off emails to each other with similar “inspired-by” comments, like “The boys are totally exponential!” and “The boys are delightfully delectable!!!!”

    Well, it makes *us* laugh… and reading honest posts like yours makes me smile, and feel understood.

    Thank you.

  6. Syn July 29, 2010 at 5:25 am #

    I’ve used bitch and I’ve used worse. Usually it is parasitic skank though. My file on my computer designated just for dealing with the ex is called “parasite”.

    Given the first ten years of my marriage and all the chaos and hatred spewed at me, the names are well earned. I’m sure she’s called me a few as well. There were times I probably deserved them too because I do not like anybody messing with my husband or hurting my kids.

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