The BioMom PlayBook: Moves That Are Sure to Backfire

8 Aug

Sometimes dealing with BM can get nasty

I recently read an excellent article on “Remarried with Children” called “How Sabotaging Stepmoms Hurts Your Children”.  I posted a link on a few of the stepmom support sites that I frequent, and so many stepmoms commented something like, “I wish BM would read this”  or “I’m going to send her a copy anonymously”.

I’ve always joked that when ex-husbands get re-partnered or remarried, that someone gives the ex-wife a BioMom Playbook.  Seriously.  If you read through the posts of stepmom support sites it seems that biomoms’ behavior is uncannily similar and oh-so-predictable.  I know from first-hand experience because I’ve been that psycho biomom (read my article, “Confessions of a Biomom Gone Bad” in July StepMom Magazine). 

The major issue is usually an emotionally incomplete divorce.  Do you know of a biomom that throws herself at DH in an attempt to get him back? Or do you know a biomom that tells the kids, “She’s the reason why Daddy’s not coming home” or tells them that you stole their daddy away from her even though you didn’t meet him until after their divorce?

Wow, I can see a lot heads nodding in agreement.

Here are the other “Top Ten” plays:

  1. Making derogatory about SM’s appearance, style or ethnicity to the kids.
  2. Telling the kids “Don’t talk about that woman in my house.”
  3. Grilling the kids about what went on at Daddy’s house.
  4. Telling the kids, “You don’t have to do anything she says because she’s not your mom.”
  5. Constantly dragging DH to court, just ‘cause you can.
  6. Telling the kids, “Daddy has another family now.  He’s forgotten all about us.”
  7. Telling the kids, “If you like her, it will hurt Mommy’s feelings.”
  8. Dating multiple men and introducing them all to the kids or marrying multiple times in order to make DH jealous.
  9. Actively engaging in completely alienating DH.
  10. Or when all else fails, making false accusations of abuse.

Are there any other “plays” that I’ve forgotten? 

Wouldn’t it be nice if biomoms were handed a rule book instead of playbook?  I vote for the rule book to be a print out of “How Sabotaging Stepmoms Hurts Your Children” and a copy of “No One’s the Bitch”.  Being a stepmom is hard work, but it’s impossible when you have a biomom that continues to sabotage your every move.  When this happens no one wins.  The stepmom feels like she’s got a target on her back and is constantly dodging arrows and bullets (and in some cases nuclear bombs) and the kids suffer from anxiety and pent-up anger.  The worst part?  Listen up biomoms:  the kids end up resenting YOU.  Yes, you.  When you work really hard to get your children to hate your ex-husband and his new wife, most of the time it ends up backfiring. Why?  Because in most cases, the kids get wise to your antics.  You can talk smack about the other household all you want, but when the children see consistency, decency and love at their dad and stepmom’s house, they know that all your trash talk is motivated by anger, jealousy and your need to control things you cannot.  It takes much more energy to engage in a one-sided war than it does to lay down arms and call a truce for the kids’ sake.

So, biomom, is it really worth it?  Click the link to the article, read it and dig deep.  Does it strike a chord?  If it does, are you willing to change, not only for your kids, but for your relationship with them?

3 Responses to “The BioMom PlayBook: Moves That Are Sure to Backfire”

  1. Deesha August 8, 2010 at 10:04 am #

    “5.Constantly dragging DH to court, just ‘cause you can.”

    5a. Constantly applying for child support, only to be denied every time because a formula, not your emotions, makes the determination.

    5b. Constantly applying for Innocent Spouse tax status with the IRS only to be denied every time because the tax code, not your emotions, makes the determination.

  2. Stepmom Central August 8, 2010 at 10:30 am #

    Dont forget…..

    *He doesn’t really love her, he’s just with her because……(insert ridiculous reason here)

    I love #1 after 7 years of being with my partner, BM still actively uses #1 frequently as well as #3,#5 and is always making attempts at #9 & #10 I think you did well with the top ten plays!

  3. Candy July 31, 2012 at 2:28 pm #

    I SMH a thousand times.
    #4 tries to pop up in our home…but they still have to do what I say, BM is NOT going to run my household.

    #6a. Look at how your father is ruining your life ( by having a nother child) when BM just had one the year before with a third different dad. Really.
    I love this i’m pasting it to my freinds!

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