Archive | December, 2010

Confessions of a BioMom Gone Bad: I am a territorial bitch.

14 Dec

BioMoms can be territorial and catty

Before you click off because of my bad language, hear me out.  I’m going to make a confession that many of my friends already know:  I am a territorial bitch.  But then again, so are most BioMoms that I know. 

Wanna see it in action?  Go to any school event and you can spot them:  BioMom is flitting around the room, whispering to her friends while they all try to inconspicuously steal a glance at Wife 2.0, or she’s hanging on her new BF or her own Husband 2.0, all directed at DH in a “look what you’re missing” kind of way.  Meanwhile,  StepMom is sitting uncomfortably in the corner, dodging the daggers and the looks while trying to enjoy the concert or soccer game or ballet recital.  As a group, we (BioMoms) are a bunch of territorial bitches.  With all the “drive-by” hate that we’re shooting out our eyes, we may as well have our own gang signs.  Been there.  Done that.  Guilty as charged.

As BioMoms, we look at our replacement and so much run through our heads:

“She’s prettier and skinner than me.”

“She’s uglier and fatter than me.”

“Her ass is so big.”

“Those boobs are obviously fake.”

“What could he possibly see in her?”

Some of you are still hurting because DH left and you still love him.  Some of you are glad to be rid of DH, but don’t think he’ll ever find anyone as good as you.  Some of you were left…for her.  Regardless of the circumstances, BioMoms carry an awful lot of baggage around. 

Here’s a proposal:  whaddya say we put that set of luggage of Craig’s List and get rid of it?  Let’s become BioMom Ambassadors of Goodwill instead of the mean, nasty, catty, hateful women that StepMoms expect us to be.  How wonderful would it be to NOT live up to the stereotype?  How detoxifying would it be to let go of the anger, hurt, jealousy that eats away at your self-esteem?  How nice would it be to stop being so territorial?  How healing would it be for your children to see everyone be cordial to each other?

I’m not saying you need to be BFFs with the other woman.  All I’m saying is that when she’s on what you believe to be your territory, put away your weapons and be nice.  Say hello.  Tell her that you’re glad that she came to whatever event you happen to be at.  A simple acknowledgement and a genuine smile can go a long way to ending long-standing feuds (which is good for the kids!).

And why, dear fellow BioMoms, am I asking you to be the one to make the first move?  It’s simple really:  in the back of your mind, she’s damned if she does and damned if she doesn’t (c’mon, you know it’s true).  If she doesn’t make the first move, you’ll think to yourself “She’s so stuck up, she can’t even say hello.”  If she does muster up the courage to say hi, you’ll think “Well, doesn’t she have some nerve trying to say hi to me? Hmph!”

I’ll even make you a deal.  I’ll go first.  I promise that right this very minute, I’ll stop talking smack about my ex-husband’s new girlfriend.  I found out some unsavory information about her a couple of days ago and I’ve found a way to work it into every conversation that I’ve had with my ex, just because I’m a bitch.  I’ll even go one further and I stop being a territorial bitch and I’ll invite my ex and his girlfriend to my son’s big event this weekend.  AND, I’ll be nice if she shows up. 

What are you willing to do?  Are you ready to become a BioMom Ambassador of Goodwill?

Confessions of a BioMom Gone Bad: “You are not the boss of me”

13 Dec

Are you a control freak?

The hardest thing I’ve had to do as a divorced mom of two is not to attempt to control everything thing my ex-husband does.  How he lives his life and what he does with the kids during his time is none of my business.  It’s a no-brainer, but it to me a long time to figure it out.

During the demise of our marriage, my ex-husband and I lived very separate and very different lives despite the fact that we were residing under the same roof.  I took charge of the kids, and he took charge of himself and only himself, literally.  He had a whole other life that I knew nothing about. When we finally separated and divorced, I tried to control every moment he spent with the kids.    I didn’t like the choices that he was making or the direction that his life was going, I didn’t like his friends, the woman he was dating and most importantly I didn’t like what he chose to do with the kids when he had them.  Because I had been the primary caretaker of the children, I was certain that I knew what was best for them and that everything he was doing with them was wrong. 

When the kids came back from their weekends, I’d ask them what they did and then went into the other room and brooded about it.  Often times I’d find myself firing off a few furious texts letting him know exactly what I thought. I wanted him to act differently as a father.  I wanted him to act how I thought he should.  I wanted him to be something he was incapable of being.  The same held true in our marriage, which is why it failed so miserably. 

 It took me a while to get past my own issues and realize that the kids were having fun spending time with their dad.  Not only did I need to back off, I needed to remember that we were divorced and what he did what his life and how he chose to spend time with the kids was no longer my business (unless of course, there was a safety issue involved). 

I had a few issues that I had to confront head on:  I was a control freak, I was still mad that he had the audacity to divorce me, and I just didn’t think he could do as good a job as me when it came to parenting.  Time for me to get over myself.  At the risk of sounding like a four-year old, I am not the boss of him.  But honestly, I’d like to be.

A combination of good friends, a few self-help books and a year of therapy gave me a huge dose of reality.   I had to let it go.  I had to be supportive of the relationship that he was building with the kids and I had to mind my own business.  That’s not an easy lesson for any mom who’s a control freak, but I had to recognize what I was doing and work on letting it go.  I had to come to terms with what he was emotionally capable of giving to the kids, and continue to encourage that while finding ways to fill in any gaps that might arise.  It’s something that I have to work on daily, and it’s not easy.

What about you?  Do feel the need to control what goes on in the other household?  Why or why not?