My sacred mom/daughter first: going to the ballet.
I recently stopped by The Psycho Ex Wife and read a post about things that stepmothers would like to say to biomothers. While much of it rang true from a stepmother’s point of view, I did take exception to one of the attitudes expressed about a biomom’s request:
When my daughter turned five, you took her to have her first manicure/pedicure… I feel you stole my chance at creating a lasting memory. A better idea? Ask me if a certain milestone activity is important to me first…
Where do I begin? It’s all about mommy! Step-mom “stole” from bio-mom. It’s a frigging mani-pedi, sweetheart – it’s not baby’s first steps. The thing that is amazing about this one is that the self-centered bio-mother author assumes that the child being taken to the manicurist is being done as a “childhood milestone.” Beyond that, it requires the step-mom to be a mind reader and to contact the biological mother every single time something might be assumed to be a “stolen milestone” if step-mom does it first. “All about me.” Again. Selfish. Possessive.
Hmmm. I think this stepmom is way off the mark. As a biomom, is it selfish and possessive for me to want to share certain milestone events with my child? Maybe. But then again, it’s MY child! I haven’t had to personally deal with this issue as a biomom, but I have dealt with it as a stepmom. A couple years ago, I was taking my daughter to get her ears pierced and my oldest stepdaughter wanted to get hers pierced at the same time, especially once she heard that their cousin was going to come along too. DH would have been perfectly within his rights to give us the go ahead, as he did, but I had him call BM first. She said it’s something she wanted to do with her daughter when she turned 8, because it was their family tradition. I can completely respect that. And she did take her to get her ears pierced just a few weeks later.
I think there are some “girly” events that we need to be mindful of like buying a training bra for the first time or a dress for homecoming, or even that first mani-pedi. If you’re a woman, you probably intuitively know which events I’m talking about—think about the ones that you shared with your own mother. If you’re a father, there are some “father/son events” that are treasured like driving for the first time (read about our “oops” here), learning to shave or learning to tie a Windsor knot.
On the other hand, as a biomom, if you’ve got the corner on the sharing the first “girly” events, or if you’re the primary custodian, don’t forget that it’s only fair that you give up a few things as well. Last summer, my BFF called in tears because her ex was going to take their son to Hawai’i with wife 2.0. She was devastated because it had always been her dream to take her son to Hawai’i for his very first time and she felt like her ex was cheating her out of sharing firsts with her son: his first time on a zipline, his first time at a luau, his first time swimming in the ocean. I put a positive spin on it for her and said, “You may miss out on his first time, but think about the first time you get to go together. He gets to be your tour guide! How cool will that be for him??” When that didn’t work, I had to remind her that as the primary custodian, she gets a whole bunch of “firsts” and at some point, she was going to have to get used to the fact that her ex (and even wife 2.0) were going to have those moments with him too. It may suck, but it’s fair.
If you’re a stepmom, especially a non-custodial stepmom, you might want to have a list of events in the back of your mind that might need to be shared with mom the first time, instead of you. And if one of those events comes up, think about your motivation for wanting to participate instead of the biomom. If you’re a biomom, and your ex or the stepmom want to share a special moment, think about your motivation for saying no. Case in point, a stepmom friend of mine and her DH had planned a trip to Disneyland with their four children (2 his, 2 hers). Using common courtesy, the DH ran the trip by his ex who replied, “Absolutely not.” The reason? Because the new wife and her children were going along. Ultimately they went without DH’s children (mostly because the DH wasn’t up for WWIII with his ex), which was a disappointment to all. Malicious intent on the part of the biomom? Maybe, until you hear that one year later, the ex went to Disneyland with her boyfriend and their combined children. Losers in the game? The kids. The missed an opportunity to build a memory with their dad and stepsiblings (and to go to Disneyland twice in a year).
If you’re not a custodial stepmom do you think there are certain milestones that should be “reserved” for the biomom? Biomoms, are there certain milestones that have been shared with the stepmom that have hurt you? What were they? Do you think it was done maliciously? Do you think women intuitively know which events should be save for mom??
Step In the Blender 
I agree with your sentiment. Try to respect the biomom’s right to the “firsts”. It hasn’t really happened yet with my ex’s GF, as she is less than demonstrative with my girls. She did box-dye #3’s hair (at the daughter’s request) and asked if she was sure I’d be ok with it. (I was) But I was surprised anyone could mess up a box-dye job that badly!
Ok so my #2 daughter’s boyfriend’s mom kind of did this to me. A few weeks before her senior prom I was prodding my daughter to go prom dress shopping. She informed me that (BF’s mom) was making her a dress, and they they’ve been looking over patterns and fabrics, and OMG it was going to be great. I was crushed but I didn’t say that, after all, I don’t sew. She did look great, but I’m still sad that someone stole that from me. Didn’t seem right. I’d never do that to another mom. I never told my daughter how sad that made me. It’s only been a few years. I’ll let it go.
I would absolutely LOVE to give biomom those special things. BUT, she wages war with us, not a civil conversation. Please understand that step moms don’t want to steal your thunder, but you have to talk to us nicely for us to both understand where that line is. For instance, I purposefully didn’t sign her up for dance lessons because it *seemed* like that had become a her and Mommy thing. However, we still wanted to give her some sort of extracurricular, so we chose gymnastics. The problem? She is still begging for dance and looking forlornly in windows of studios everytime we pass. Plus, mom became jealous of the NEW “thing” we created. What a royal mess.
I think entitlement issues only hurt the kids in the end but as a mom, even when “grandma” steps on my toes with “first” things it jerks me, so I can see where biomoms are coming from.
However….I am a custodial stepmom so I see both sides.
In our situation, it kindof works both ways. Biomom & I have completely day and night personalities so some “firsts” she could totally care less about and others that she does I wouldn’t even think of.
For instance, she was the “first” to take the kids to the hair salon and made a super HUGE cool deal about it. Me? Never would have paid the amount she paid to do that, but it was important to her.
Definitely a fine line about all of it. Women….biomom or stepmom doesn’t matter. ALL WOMEN ARE TERRITORIAL even if it’s just a little bit.
I have a son and stepson, so I haven’t run into those girlie type of ‘firsts’. But it does crop up occasionally with little things like movies I was looking forward to seeing with my son but that he ended up watching with my ex.
Dear @Biostep,
Just to clarify… I wrote the top-end of that blog post, not DW. And my point was less about what does or doesn’t constitute a milestone event and more the expectations that the biomom who wrote the original article. She had this expectation that step-mom should be a mind reader and/or she should be called/consulted on every plan that was made on the outside chance biomom felt it was a “milestone event.”
Life changes after divorce. One of those changes it that neither mom nor dad may be a part of every single thing that they consider a “milestone event.”
I just wanted to comment so that I am blamed for the portion of the blog post I wrote and DW isn’t.
Further, if you read the original article to which I linked – the biomom’s contention that step-mom “stole” anything is absurd and implies that there was some malicious intent on the part of step-mom.
~Mister-M
Mister M,
Thanks for the clarification.
You are absolutely right. Parents can’t always be involved in every milestone. Not only divorced parents, but married parents too. Do we all need to lighten up? Yes. Is life fair? No.
However, I think there are some BMs and SMs that are malicious when it comes to “stealing” events. Could I have taken SD to get her ears pierced knowing full well that BM wanted to do it? It was DH’s weekend and he had given me the “go ahead” (although he would have had to come along and sign the consent form), so I could have. There’s so much nastiness going on in the world of BM/SM relationships that I think it’s a good thing when we all sit back and examine the reasons for the choices that we make.
Thanks for your post (and your comment). It gives us all more to discuss.
BioStep
Great post! I love the insight. I too, can see both sides of the fence. Love what you told your BFF. The Ex gets to experience so many firsts as she has primary custody. I think it only fair that a child’s father get a chance to share some firsts with his child. And truly, it isn’t about who does what w/whom first. Quality time is much more important than the quantity of time.
We’ve taken our daughter to 2 baseball games, she had a much better time at the 2nd one. She understood more and paid more attention to what was happening.
Also, each experience will be different because it will be the first time w/mom or the first time w/dad. And each parent will want to see and do different things. Luaus are never the same, each one is unique! And can you really ever get tired of Disneyland!? It’s the happiest place on earth, no matter how many times you go!
Awesome post! Thank you!
See, I don’t see it as anything that BM should be consulted on. Especially if she is a custodial BM. How many firsts does the custodial BM get that the noncustodial dad gets no part of?! My husband missed his son’s first steps, first word, first haircut, first tackle football game, etc….. Those are so much bigger milestones than first time to Disney or first airplane ride (one first we did get) or -for the girls- first mani/pedi, first bra, etc. If the BM really wants to make a big deal out of doing them first, go do them now before Dad and SM have a chance.
Sorry if I sound majorly confrontational about this. Headache + misbehaving kid = grouchy me.
I see both sides, as I am both a BM & a Stepmom..
However, when a BM has primary custody she can expect to be a part of a whole lot of firsts, because the kids live with her most of the time. When it’s dad’s time with the kids, unless it’s in the parenting plan to consult one another, if he says go ahead, then we go ahead. How many firsts, has he missed? How many times do BM’s make decisions on these firsts wthout consulting dad? Why the double standard? It’s not exactly fair & the kids end up losing out & what they mostly see is that mom is still running dad’s life. At least that’s how it’s been in our experience.
I totally agree with this post, except that the step-mom in this story probably didnt realize that it was the first manicure/pedicure. It is not something like ear piercing or training bra buying or prom dress shopping. It would not occur to me to ask either. And I am not going to ask about every little thing that I do.
Copy from my facebook response:
I think a mani/pedi isn’t a milestone. Ears, as a permanent body alteration, should be cleared with both parents ANYWAY. But other things, I’ve stopped caring about BM at all. I discovered after a few years that if I didn’t take the initi…ative to do certain things, SS would never experience them. Example, I NEVER EVER EVER helped SS make anything for a class party or bring cupcakes/cookies for his birthday, and guess who was the boy without cards and without a party?
Now, of course, once I started doing things with SS- hiking, theater, etc.. BM would find out and try to out-do me on the same thing or preempt me on the next big event. But, you know, even though I wasn’t trying to compete with her, that sense of competition, frankly, has made her more involved and a better mother to her child.
I still tread carefully. If the class party is going to be on BM’s time, DH reminds her now so she can do it. I don’t step in to the mother’s day events at school, and only show up at the family ones if DH can be there with me or if SS begs me. She has still never showed, but I leave that open for her. However, it’s not about who gets to share what milestone. At least not in my book and if she ever complains she can argue with DH about it.
Maybe a son is distinctly different, however. You focus on girly things in your blog, but are there any equatable mother-SON milestones you think should be left to the mom? Honestly, within the traditional view of childhood, that might be harder to find. But then, if father-son bonding is so important, why is it not okay for the stepmom to “have” an occasional milestone with her stepdaughter EOW, while the stepdad can “take” most of the father-son milestones for granted because dad is an EOW parent?
“reserving milestones” = possessive parent, IMHO. After reading this thread, I reflected on my own childhood… And all those “firsts” mean nothing to me as an adult. They are no indication of the relationship I have with my parents now. I’m no less close to my mom because our neighbor bought me my first makeup kit and taught me how to use it. I’m no less close to my dad because my mom’s BF bought me my first car. And… I’m fairly certain that if my mom was upset because she didn’t approve of the way I acquired my prom dress, I would have been LIVID with her for interfering with MY plans for MY event.
SM isn’t a mindreader and BM shouldn’t feel threatened… My relationship with my mom was nutured over cold spaghetti and conversation. Should my dad’s GF have consulted my mom about the dinner menus she planned?
Nice. I wondered why there was so little voice of reason coming out of this discussion.
Seems like no one here really cares how the child feels. It’s all me me me from the parent’s point of view.
I’ll bet BM is more than willing to dish off the not-so-great firsts in a child’s life to the SM or DH. Like a child’s first trip to the dentist to get a cavity filled.
I gave up being my son’s baseball coach to SD. My dad was my baseball coach as a kid and frankly, I don’t have that fond a memory of it. My son doesn’t even like playing baseball.
When parent’s of all ilks stop thinking about themselves and start thinking about their kids, then none of this matters a damn.
Talk to your kids. Ask them what they want. Then do that.
Best of luck
Jack
Sorry, I have to comment on your port. As a Bio mom, letting dad or step mom take over for or step in for dentist or doctor appts doesn’t happen. Those are important appts and I do them. That way, since I am the custodial parent, I know first hand what is going on…even if that means missing work and possibly getting in trouble for it. If there is a dentist, doctor, or orthodontist appt, I was the one who made it so I am the one that takes her!
To Teresa:
Doctors’ appointments are important, I agree. My SD lives 50/50 with her mom and with us. Mom and Dad coordinate appointments and whoever is available takes SD. EXCEPT: when Dad takes SD to a medical appointment, he writes an email to Mom explaining what happened, what the doctor did and said and what the next step is. But when Mom takes SD to a medical appointment, she does not proactively share any information and, when Dad asks what happened, she says (and I quote verbatim), “I as her mother will take care of it.” Which not only violates the court order to share all medical information, and not only makes coordination difficult, but sometimes is not even true — like the time she said she would take SD for vaccinations, did not do so, refused to tell Dad the name of the doctor, and Dad had to ask SD to ask Mom to please take her for vaccinations — at which point Mom finally scheduled the appointments.
I suspect that Mom believes SD belongs to her (as in is a possession) or that Mom can discern no boundary between herself and SD and so believes SD is part of her. That is the only way I can explain how possessive she is and how dismissive she is to Dad.
Anyone have any insight?
Anon, here’s my perspective on BMs that don’t share info with exDH: most of the time it’s not because BM thinks that the child is her “possession” or can’t separate herself from her child–not sharing info is a way of getting back at exDH. Of course, that’s not right, but it does happen, even if it does violate a court order. Sometimes it’s exDH that “creates the monster”. I’ve seen it and I’ve been that monster before too.
I understand Teresa’s POV, but my guess is that if her ex or the SM had to take her daughter to the doc, she’d be right along with them. Her interest is in her child’s health and you can’t fault her for that.
In my particular situation, my ex provides insurance for the kids and has never taken them to the doc (even when I’ve asked). Our youngest has a heart condition and needs to check in with the cardiologist yearly. I’ll inform exDH of the appointment, but he NEVER offers to go along and has never for the results of the tests. At this point, my attitude is: you have access to her medical records, if you want to know, call the doc yourself. Unfortunately, exDH’s attitude is the same for everything else. I’ll tell him about an event or an appointment, several times in fact. When he doesn’t show up, he’ll tell the kids or his GF or anyone who’ll listen, that I never told him. I look like the controlling psycho BM, until you see the text messages that I’ve sent him informing him of an event, or listen to the VMs that he’s left confirming that he got the message.
In your case, I would highly recommend documenting every time the parenting plan is violated and filing a motion in family court if it continues.
Dear BioStep,
Could it be to get back at him even if she left him (and the kids, in the marital home)? I would think that leaving him in front of the whole world would be “get back” enough. Also, that was over five years ago. One kid has graduated from high school since then. She has bought her own house and received (and rejected) two marriage proposals. Life goes on.
Anonymous, unfortunately yes. I’ve seen it in action. However, BMs are not the only ones to blame. There are some exDHs and SMs that are just as mean and spiteful. BMs get a bad rap. I’ve had conversations with BMs, SMs and BioSteps this week about there being 3 sides to every story: yours, mine and the truth.
I have to agree with this. When I was a step-mom, I always respected what the bio mom wanted and asked first before doing anything with the kids that she might want to do as well or first. She birthed them, not me and as far as I am concerned that is her right as the bio mom.
Luckily, my kids step mom takes no interest in my kids, so that has never been an issue for me!
Excellent reply! It truly amazes me that step mums victimise the biological fathers as some sort of innocent saint like harrassed victim. From my experience it would be good to remind all Step mums that as a normal and decent mum, the bond between a mum and her child is not one that is based in the majority of cases, upon ‘possessiveness’ or ‘manipulation’ or to ‘get back’ at the father, it is simply an unexplainablke drive and innate need to protect, to nurture, and to feel pain and hurt when another female takes on the mother role. Every decent woman who has had children will know this feeling deep down, step-mums who refuse to acknoweldge this and justify their imposing actions and interference with this bond (at any level) will innately know it is to hurt the bio-mum (conciously or subconciously) indicating that it is normally the step parents/mums who have the biggest issues. Centred upon control, possibly insecurity or even jealousy. I would honestly love my daughters father to be with somebody who holds this perspective rather than a lot of other step-mum mentalities.
Sorry… I thought of more (and some of it has already been said).
What about the wishes of the child? If the child asks SM to do something that might qualify as a milestone, and SM has to check with BM to see if it’s ok… And if it’s not ok…. ?? What message does this send the child? Is the child suppose to learn that everyone should walk on eggshells so as not to upset Mom? Does the child learn that he/she is responsible for Mom’s feelings because of the activities he/she shares with other people? Isn’t that the kind of thinking that incubates alienation?
It is not natural for children to pause for their milestones in order to consider the audience. Babies don’t wait to take the first steps until Daddy gets home from work. Same goes for first words and rolling over all those other firsts.
It doesn’t matter who was there for (insert event). What matters is the relationship. What’s more important? Being there for the first manicure? Or being the first person your daughter turns to when gets dumped, gets engaged, gets pregnant, etc?
At first I would have probably said no. But as time moves forward, my stepdaughter showed me otherwise. I’ve been a stepmom to my husband’s 2 daughters for 21 years. We’ve had a lot of variations when it comes to custody. The girls live…d with us from every other weekend to having full custody to having them go back to mom. I also have a son that is the same age as my stepdaughters.
When my stepdaughters graduated, I wanted to be there because I had been very much involved with their education and their activities. I felt that it was my place. Of course the girls wanted their mom but deep down, I felt I had a bigger place (of at least deserved it). Then the girls were getting married, I felt that we should share this because we were paying for part of it (the girls paid the rest) and I had been in their lives for 19 years (at the time). Last year, my oldest stepdaughter had a baby. She wanted her mom but her mom “deserted” them. I felt it was not my place because I couldn’t tell Julie (SD) what I felt when I held her in my arms, what was going on in my head while she was growing. I could only share what I felt with my son. There was a void that no matter how hard I tried, I could not fill it. This was the milestone that belongs to BioMom and she failed to fill it.
I feel so sad for Julie because she really wanted her mom there and she failed her. I was there but still, I could not fill that hole. I’ve been there every step of the way and Julie is so very grateful and thanks me all the time, but we both know that when a woman has her first baby, she often wants HER MOM.
No one can “steal” events if the other person isn’t being territorial. The thing that irked me about the the original article, and about what I see here, is that no one is talking about the kids feelings in all of this. Or about the fact that the children have every right to love all of the people who are in their lives, and have every right to make memories with all of them. What this territorial issue does is ruin the child’s memories. Because each milestone memory becomes marred with the reaction of the other parent who felt left out. I think it’s wrong to do that to a child.
Milestones are things like graduation, school plays, birthday’s, etc. The child should be able to share those things with both parents, if at all possible. The rest: mani-pedi’s, trips to Disneyland, etc – are not milestones. They’re extras. I think parents should be happy that their child has those kinds of extras in their life, instead of selfishly worrying about what they missed out on.
Also, it really gets under my skin to be referred to as “wife 2.0”. I am not an updated/upgraded version of my husband’s first wife; I am nothing like her. Using a term like that perpetuates the stereotype of a man who left his wife for someone younger and prettier once the original was marred by child rearing.
Maria, don’t let “wife 2.0” get under your skin. That’s just me being too lazy to write “her ex’s new wife” or “the second wife”. It’s not meant as a insult, it’s just an easy way for everyone to recognize that it’s the second wife.
Too often readers get annoyed with terms that stepmom bloggers use. We’re really not trying to offend, we’re just trying to to make things easier for the reader to understand, especially when it comes to extended family trees!
Thanks for making a distinction between “milestones” and “extras”. I thought the same thing.
as a biomom with a step-mom in the picture, I completely agree with this! There are definate milestones that I want to share with MY daughter…if step-mom would do one of them I would freak! Luckily, step-mom and me are on a better communicating level and she now runs things by me. Thanks for this post Bridgette…I appreciated it!
I also have to make a comment about my BF’s kids. He has custody and the mom rarely does anything with them. Alot of promises never fullfilled. I was the one who took the daughter to her first concert. I have been at majority of the sporting events for both kids while their BM rarely shows. As a BM I respect her having the firsts with the kids, but when you make a promise and break it over and over again, it bothers me. So, since my BF has custody, I go off what he says I can do with the kids. That being said, if I as a BM think an event would tick me off as a BM if the SM did it, I make sure my BF has cleared it with their BM!
As previously stated, it is all about the kids and too many don’t remember that when it comes to this territory. I try to always ask my daughter about certain events, and if my BFs kids invite me to an event I am there!
I had always hoped my ex would marry again, so my kids would have (hopefully!) another loving parent to care about them. Since I’m not going to live forever it would make me feel better if I knew they had another “mom” to look out for them.
I’m secure in my relationship with my kids, so I’ve never felt insecure or upset when I would hear about one of their father’s girlfriends doing something fun with them. I felt grateful another woman was showing an interest in them (she didn’t have to).
As a CSM I have witnessed most of my stepkids “firsts.” First step, word, first bra, etc…
BM flipped out when I bought SD her first bra, however SD needed one and BM had 6 months of court ordered supervised visitations to complete at that point and I wasn’t going to see SD wait 6 months to get something she needed.
If you want to spend your child’s life being angry at the other parent (s) I’m sure you can find an endless amount of things to hyper focus on to re-enforce that you have a right to be angry because of such and such events/comments. But, is it really worth it to waste your child’s life being angry about _________ or about __________.
Or do you want your child to feel loved and cared about by as many people as possible?
I don’t see how a child having extra adults/parents to love them could ever be a bad thing.
If you’re living your life trying to piss off or upset the other parent on purpose, that’s one thing. If you’re just living your life trying to be a good, loving parent, that’s another thing. I tend to believe most people are doing the latter.
This is the healthiest comment on this whole thread. Children should be loved and supported. BM’s, SM,s, DH’s or any parental figure who react with jealousies and anger only hurt the innocent child who loves their parents. This immature behavior causes the child to feel “stuck,” as my SD told me this morning. The adults in this world need to grow up and work together to make the child or children in their lives feel secure and safe by role modeling kind, happy and selfless behavior.
And of course, it never ceases to amaze me how many biomoms reply in threads like these “it’s all about me first and what I want…” something that is normally not part of any step-mom’s reply.
Another point to make on DW’s 15-things… they were deliberately “snarky” (if still on-point) to the original post to which we referred.
This absolute requirement that there be some mandated deference to the biological mother is what is absurd. As if giving physical birth entitles them to some extra special consideration for anything.
Get a grip. It doesn’t. Milestones, as Jack so wisely stated, are about the children – they aren’t about the parents.
And the parents who typically make it most “about them” are biological mothers… not bio-dads… not step-parents.
Just look at the replies in this thread… look at those on my blog post… and then go look at the ones in the original iVillage POS.
Entitled bio-moms overwhelmingly make it about them. It’s there in black-and-white and there is simply no ignoring that.
Here’s my “solution-conscious” response… For the moms who feel the SM should refrain from certain activities: How should the SM know what those activities are? Is this something that’s listed in your parenting agreement? Do you plan on adding a pertaining clause to your parenting agreement? Does Dad know what qualifies as a “milestone”? Is it OK for the child to enjoy the activity with the SM if Dad is also present? After all, he *is* the child’s parent. Do you think the adults should get together on a regular basis to discuss age-appropriate milestones that are pending? If a girl begins menstruating while staying with Dad and SM, should she immediately be sent back to her mother’s house? If you prefer SM call you to ask about impromptu events, how many numbers should she try and how long should she wait for a response if you don’t answer?
I’m sure there are more questions depending on each individual family… Obviously, if Mom’s wishes are to be granted it will take a LOT of communication and cooperation on her part.
Communication is the key to any relationship, not just in a blended family situation. If BD was paying attention in his former marriage/relationship, he’ll know what would be considered a special moment for BM/child (and vice versa). In my case, exDH knew that it was my dream to take our daughter to see The Nutcracker when she was 6. If he had let his GF take her without telling me, I would have been glad that my daughter had seen the ballet, but sad that I missed the magical look in her eyes when the curtain rose.
And on the other hand, when DH took BS on his first drive, we both looked at each other afterwards and thought, “We should have saved that for his dad.” We called him to let him know. Was he disappointed to miss that first “white knuckle” moment ;)? Yes. But he knows there are more in store.
There are alot of factors to consider too. Custodial stepparents vs non-custodial. Bio/stepparents who don’t really care about milestones or extras vs bio/stepparents who do. There’s no one solution…but this is where having a good relationship with the parents in the other household really pays off. Oh, if we could all just get along!
In the end, there has to be some give and take on the part of the parents (bio and step). More importantly, it ultimately has to be about the kids and not about parents (bio OR step) “one-upping” the other. That’s where I think it gets sticky for parents. There’s way to much malicious intent in blended families.
What I find interesting is how quick everyone is to point out that the BM has control/entitlement issues. I disagree with Mister M; I know many BDs that make things all “about them”. The difference is that SDs don’t get online and bash BDs at the rate which women (SMs and BMs) bash each other.
Biostep, Thanks for some interesting food for thought. I also disagree with MisterM. He seems to go searching for blogs to haunt and further trash all BM’s. Him and SM are bitter much! Obvioiusly so. He mentions that “it’s all about the kids” and then goes on to wax eloquent about his wifey and how she says this or that and wants this or that. No, it’s not all about the kids to him either.
I think you are very right in it so much depends on many factors — CP/NCP, whether or not BM/BD is an involved parent, whether or not BM or BD cares about those milestones. And, of course, how the kid feels.
I linked to your article today, hope you don’t mind!
As a non-custodial bio mom whose ex has a live in girlfriend, I’m not so hung up on milestones. I just wish the ex and his girlfriend would take a much bigger interest in making sure the kids are doing their homework and not abdicating the “academic parent” role at a 6 and 8 year old. The kids are slowly realizing that if they need something done for school, they better ask mom. And the teachers have his number at this point and pretty much only talk to me. Very frustrating that he got everything in the divorce and still is so hateful. He definitely treats the kids as “his possessions”.
I’m on both sides of this fence also. One frame of mind that keeps me sane and my children happy, is when I remember that whomever they had the experience with doesn’t matter. What matters is that your children get the experience.
Imagine down th road a bit — you child is grown and you have a great relationship — but the SM has “boundary issues” so she is constantly interfering. You have raised your kid to be respectful, so they try to be fair — but the pushy SM does NOT try to be fair. Greatest fear = loss of love from your child or the SM monopolizing them now that they are grown and fabulous (not so much when they were young and she terrorized them) — you are not assertive enough to put yourself in the middle but SM has no problem with that — warming up to the girlfriends, overstepping in SO many ways. Can’t fight fire with fire — you’re just not that way. Do you just give in and become marginalized? Sure — you have always put your kids first — sacrificed a ton. But as a human being you have the need to be loved as well, and it doesn’t seem possessive or “putting your needs first” to yearn for your children to love you and for them to show it even when the SM is running interference. Only a saint is able to forego the love, affection and occasional attention of thier children so that everyone else is more comfortable. Really? Is that what is expected of us? Because I don’t see the X and the SM making the same kind of sacrifice.
Just an example of a milestone in my situation that was taken away. I had told ex that I wanted to be a Girl Scout leader for my daughter. He thought it was a great idea. (My mother had done this with me, and I have great memories from it)I have bought the books, filled out the forms, paid the fees, and was in the final steps of the process when stepmom texts me that they have registered dd up for Girl Scouts, already talked to DD about it, told her a friend of hers was in the troop, etc. That is the nonsense that should not happen. Girl Scouts should be a mother/daughter domain. I have no issue sharing this with stepmom, but to be completely disrespected like this is wrong. So now I am stuck. DD is already excited about this troop, knows another kid in it, etc. I was told way after DD, so now at this point I am putting my DD first and not going to be a leader at this time. Feels like a slap in the face. So now do I list off to ex and stepmom all the milestones I would like to have with DD? No, because they will go out of their way to take them from me. He is very vindictive that I left him, and his new wife does whatever he says. This puts me in the position of feeling like I have to rush things if I want to participate. Like when my dd decides to get her ears pierced….do I push her in hopes that I will get to be there? Do I tell them its important to me, to have them take her just to be first? Or do I just hope that I get to share that. She is my only child. So yes I feel like there are special moments that being a mother to a girl that I should be there for. I have wonderful memories of certain events I shared with my mother, and I would like my daughter to have the same. Stepmom has her own biological daughter, so really its not like she won’t experence mother/daughter moments of her own. I wish she would just stop trying to compete with me. Its not a competition. I am sure someone will point out all the “Me’s” and “I’s” in this. I am her mother. I want to be her mother. I have great memories of some of these important events with my mother. Is it wrong to want the same with/for my daughter? I hope when she is a mother, that she gets to experience the moments of growing up with her child, and doesn’t have someone knowingly take them away from her. Those moments are the rewards for all the hard work we do. I would rather be her mother than a disinterested female figure.
I am glad to have found this website. I have my own set of issues with the BioMom. I am a custodial StepMom and have been for the past 6 years. I am a mother to my husbands children through and through. He has 3 kids and I have 2 (1 of which is our child together). I had a cruel custodial stepmother growing up and I vowed to never be like her. They are all unique, creative individuals that need all the love and guidance they can get. I do everything for them, with them and it has earned me the title “mom”. I know this is something that the BioMom hates and feels hurt about, but I refuse to tell these beautiful children to stop calling me mom. I earned the title. When they refer to me when they are on their visits with their mother they say “other mom”. And when they are with me they say “our mom” and that is perfectly ok with me. A mom isn’t only the person who gave birth to you, it can also be the one who is raising you day-to-day, nurses you when you are sick, lectures you when you need one, makes you every meal with lots of love in it, listens to all the latest gossip at school, helps with homework and making decisions, talks to you about female issues that will come up soon, and so on. I would like to see everyone’s thoughts on this.
I really appreciate reading all of your heartfelt comments. My daughter’s BD left when she was very little and has recently become engaged. I am having a very difficult time sharing my daughter with a new female. I not only view the firsts of everything like mani/pedis as mine, I view them ALL as mine. I resent that she gives her baths when she is at her dad’s house. I resent all of it…however, I know this is wrong. I should be happy that there is someone that is kind to my daughter and in my heart I am. But how do I get over hating this woman and resenting the fact that this stranger is doing my job?
Emily,
No disrespect, but it sounds like an issue beyond your daughter. Really this is something you may need to go to therapy about and this is not an issue with the other woman, but allowing yourself to let go and grieve over a relationship lost in a healthy way. By not letting go, you are allowing him to have continuous control . Forgiveness (who knew?) actually is the key to this. I am an SM and give my SD baths…because I do not want her dirty and I am kinda OCD about it, plus DH ex-girlfriend left him so I am at an advantage…circumstances change, and you may need some coping techniques to move on rather than fighting over semantics which will hurt you and your daughter in the endI am not a Bio Mom, but I am praying for you and your daughter. .
I agree somewhat with Mamma J. Having a child with another person means that you have to share that child for a lifetime. While I’d like to think all the milestones are mine, mine, mine–I know that they’re not. My children (especially my son) deserve to have milestones with their father. If another woman ever permanently walks into his life, she may get to share some milestones too and I’m going to have to suck it up and smile about it.
I think I would speak for the majority of biomoms and biosteps when I say that yes, you should be thrilled that someone is kind to your daughter (and cares enough to send her home clean!!). She’s not doing your job, she’s helping your ex do his.
Before I did the “stepmom stepback”, I was the one that made sure that my stepdaughters went home bathed and fed, with clean clothes on. While I love DH, he’s not exactly great with details (or the washing machine) so my guess is that BM could probably pinpoint when I stepped back. Instead of being resentful about being bathed by her stepmom, be grateful that you have more time to spend playing with her! Learn to be grateful for the little things that her stepmother does that make your life easier!
One other point to bring up: do you hate the other woman because you haven’t fully resolved your feelings about your ex and the end of your relationship? Your resentment may be misplaced.
Resentment, at any level, can wreck havoc on the children of blended families. I’ve seen too many families destroyed and too many children emotionally damaged because one or both of the bioparents harbored anger and resentment. I would encourage you find the source of your resentment and resolve it. It’s the best gift you could give your daughter.
Im a SM And my husband and I have custody of ny SS. I love this boy dearly and honestly our relationship is great! Because we have custody all medical, school, all decisions are made by my husband and I. BM dies not interfere on how we raise my SS, she calls home maybe once a week and sometimes every three weeks! They only see each other during breaks and holidays and to be honest I have been more a mommy to him than to his BM. He calld me mom once in a while and refers to me as such even with his friends…anyone can be a mother not anyone can be a mommy.
there will alway’s be exceptions to the rule (e.g. if a parent is genuinely unfit to parent and look after their child) however in the majority of cases, most biological mums are ‘normal’ and maternal. Now if you have never had children (although some might instantly disagrree with this) you cannot possibly understand that innate biological drive to nurture, love and protect your baby/child with every inch of your body and mind. It comes down to evolution and simple biology that is a mechanism to protect our off-spring and to uphold and mainntain that maternal bond that is one of the most powerful attachments . Yes of course fathers too love their children, but when you feel your baby growing, moving inside you for 9 months, that exclusive maternal bond from right at the beginning nothing in the world will ever come close to matching a normal mums bond and feelings towards their child.I have read most of the Bio mums comments on here, and I truely belive that most step-mums just either do not (or want to) understand this level of maternal instinct, because they have never given birth or if they have the issues expressed time and time again on this type of forum are simply a symptom of their own innate issues/insecurities (normally based on jealousy a deep rooted desire to control). I have been a step-mum and I can honestly say that I alway’s encouraged their father to consult with their mum in making decisions about social clubs, appointments, school etc, because I have an inbuilt deep rooted respect for the mothers position in that childs life-they gave them life and again I will reiterate that for most normal mums this is simple biology, no step mum will and cannot live up to a good mums position in a childs life. They can love that child like the bio dad, they can role play for that child, they can of course feel strong attachments to somebody elses child, but never will anybody come close to understanding how it feels to have given birth to your child unless they to have gone through it. consultation with a bio mum isn’t depriving a child of his or her wishes/wants/needs, it’s just reinforcing the position of that very special natural and innate bond between mum and child.
Just because your husband has full custody does not give you the right to make any decisions on behalf of your step son. You need to allow your step son to value the unique situation and love that he still has for his BM, no matter what you think of their relationship. She is still his mother.
I am a Biological Mom of two boys. Both boys live with me, but have weekly visitations with their Father and Step Mother. It seems that most on this sight are just here to bash the Bio Mom, and that most of the bashing is being done by the Step Mom. I would like you SM’s to know that when I gave birth to my boys I had their father to co-parent with. I am now being forced to co-parent with someone that I don’t even know. It is my experience with new SM that she would just prefer to erase the BM out of the picture all together. It seems to hurt her to think that her new partner ever loved or cared about anyone other than her. She continually tells my boys that I am a poor parent, calls me a witch, stupid and crazy. She tells my boys that she will be their mother when she adopts them. What?? She is college educated but has yet to figure out that there are three sides to every story she has been told. His side, my side and the truth. She drives by my house 4 to 6 times a day just to see if we are home, often stops in front of the house just gazing at it. When the boys come for a visit she constantly washes their clothes (I don’t mind that) and puts them places that they boys cannot find them, so they don’t come back home with them. I then have to email BF to ask for the clothes and am told that the clothes are not there. Of course they are there, even the boys know they are there. I do not know what attachment this woman could have for these clothes, or if it is just a way to cause more and more problems between BF and myself BF and I got along fairly well until SM moved in, and decided that most if not all comunicaton would come through her or at least involve her. At least twice a year I have to replace all of the clothing that has been kept from the boys. Once the clothing has been purchased and worn, the “lost clothing starts appearing and the new stuff is yet again retained at BF’s house. SM has made it so that BF and I cannot have a conversation about our children without her being present also. The last time I checked these boys had both a mother and a father who are totally capable of making decisions in their best interests. SM’s do not make decisions about the kids when the Bio parents are available to do so, which in my case, is always. I have tried to explain to SM that she can be a friend to our son’s, possibly even best friend to them, but that she can not ever take the place of the mother who loves them with all of her heart. I am sure that not all SM’s create such problems for BM’s but it seems on this page all we find id a lot venting from some very jealous, bitter and vindictive SM’s. Support you new spouse, support your new SK’s, but respect the BM, and her relationship with her children.
Thank you very much for commenting. We definitely need more BMs to comment. As you know, I am a BioStep, so it’s easy for me to see both sides of the coin, but since there are many stepmoms that comment on my blog, it does tend to look a bit slanted. That being said, make sure you read “Confession of a BioMom Gone Bad” which is a piece I wrote for StepMom Magazine about my personal bad behavior.
I think the reason why many SMs tend to band together and feel the way they do is because so much of BMs’ “bad behavior” is the same. Almost like someone handed them/us/me a playbook. Read this post too: http://stepintheblender.com/2010/08/08/the-biomom-playbook-moves-that-are-sure-to-backfire/
And you said something that is true for BOTH SMs and BMs—there are alot of “jealous, bitter, vindictive” women in both camps. Being in my 7th year of this journey, what I can tell you is that the problems stem from deep insecurity and the need to control. BMs and SMs alike need to act like reasonable adults and stop the madness.
Your BM should be THANKFUL that you are reasonable.
Thanks for reading and keep commenting!!
I am a BioStep as well. I have 1 child and my husband has custody of his 2 children. Their BM lives 3 hours away and right now has declined visitation with them for the past 2 months. I refer to my SK as “my kids”. They live in my house, I raise them, I teach them, I care for them. Their BM does not contact them or attempt to even see them. They know our family dynamic. They know I am the SM, my son knows my husband is his SD. It’s not a possesive thing when I call them “my kids”. It’s just easier than singling out each child. I never want them to think that there is a difference in how they are treated so they’re all “my kids”. I cut my SD hair, buy her clothes, shoes, school supplies and anything else she wants or needs. I plan all the kids birthday parties. I go on every field trup, go to every dr appt, check kids in and out of school. I have to, it’s my job. A few years ago the BM was involved for a period of about 6 months and we went to dr’s appointments with the kids(together. in the same vehicle!), went trick or treating with the kids (again, together, in the same vehicle!) I’d love to work with her and co-parent in a healthy way but since she is not around as a mother, I have to pick up her slack…What it boils down to is making sure the kids are healthy, happy and well cared for adn loved. IF that falls on my shoulders then I am happy to do it!
Excellent viewpoint from both sides! Well done. I’m of the opinion that shouldn’t the child have a choice? What if the child is more comfortable asking the stepmother to join her or do these “milestones” with them instead of the Bio parent? I’m a mom to two daughters and if they wanted their ears pierced and asked their step then that’s great. I sometimes feel that maybe it’s more about jealousy and control around these issues rather than feeling it’s a missed milestone. If my daughter happens to get her period at her fathers and is comfortable asking for help from the step then again that’s great! She obviously has a good relationship formed. I think we lose focus on the kids and their rights and wants and needs and focus too much on parents step or other wants and needs…it’s a milestone for kids too.., let them decide…that is what i do with my kids & step-kids , within reason of course. But that’s just my view.
I am getting married to a man that has two children with his ex wife. He has primary custody. Within just a few weeks of dating him, ex was sending glamour magazines, books etc through the kids to me. I share no common interest in such things but told he kids that it was so nice of her and pretended to be interested. Then she send me invites to candle parties and such that I did not attend. First and foremost, this was within 2 weeks of dating. I barely knew my fiancée let alone her. In addition, he warned me that she would pretend to be this super sweet person and later on use any info learned to berate and rip me to shreds. So I remained polite, but distant. I hate drama…especially female drama. Fast forward a year and we are now getting married. Ex absolutely despises me…even though I’ve only talked to her a handful of times…basically a friendly hello and goodbye. How she can hate me after that, I dunno. My soon to be step daughter asked if she could call me stepmom and I told her she was free to call me what he wanted. She asked to call me mom and I said “it doesn’t bother me but you should definitely check with your mom because that might hurt her feelings”. She asked mom about calling me STEP mom and she freaked out, tears pouring down her face…the works….and said absolutely not! Now my stepdaughter just feels bad for even asking! It’s like even though I am raising her kids, I’m not entitled to any form of “mom” treatment. Like I’m her personal nanny or something!
Unfortunately, this sounds very, very familiar.
My husband has had full custody of his 2 daughters (ages 8 & 5) for 2.5 years, we have been a blended family along with my two sons,(ages 8 & 4) for a year now. The BM lives 1.5hr away in another state and has every other weekend visitation with them and 2 phone calls a week. DH works long hours, with a long commute and since October of 2011, I have devoted myself to being a SAHM to all four. I treat the girls just as if they were my own, although they call me “Miss ____”, and never any reference to “mom”. I am responsible for getting them ready for school, breakfast, making lunches,drop off, extra activities, pick up, homework, dinner, baths, doctor’s appointments, birthday parties, ect. and I absolutely love it, especially since DH & I are unable to have children together due to a severe health issue I had earlier this year, having a “fulltime” big family is absolutely wonderful and a huge blessing. However, the unbelievable disrespect I get from BM is overwhelming. She is constantly trying to “compete” with me and bad mouthing everything I do, from I am too strict because the children have chores and rules, to I think I am smarter than everyone because I went to college, I think I am better than everyone because I keep my house clean, just absolute nonsense just to “talk”, she has them ruin the clothes & shoes I send them in during visitation, loses their personal belongings, and will not allow the children to speak to me during their visits there, even when they were begging to talk to me during my surgery hospital stay, she refused and punished them for asking to speak to me. She tells them I am only trying to take them from her and I don’t really care about them, I only want to make her mad by taking them shopping, or to the movies, ect. She tells people I “take over” everything in the children’s lives, which is a little ridiculous if you ask me considering I do not have a choice but to take care of their daily needs as I am the one who has them in my care. The damage she has done to these children is undoable.Emotionally, they are torn, even though I am the one who cares for them, takes on the role as “mom” with the exception of 4 days a month, they are constantly told I am not the their real mother,I can’t love them like they are my kids because they aren’t, they do not have to listen to me, they are told I caused their parents divorce (She left their father and the children for a man she met on Facebook & moved 120 miles away), she tries to convince the children that I won’t let her see them or talk to her (Their court order of child custody was in place for a year and a 1/2 before my DH were together and no changes have been made, despite the severe need to make a few). She purposely is an hour- to two hours late for each pick up and drop off of the children, but then tells them it was my fault,She sabotages any school or sport event by showing up with the man she lives with (the FB fellow) who the girls do not like and gets the children upset by telling them *I* won’t allow her to pick them up and take them with her to McDonalds or to the park, when *I* clearly am in no control over those things. Being a BM myself, I can not imagine trying to hurt my children by destroying their sense of security of who loves them and takes care of them. I can only pray that my ex husband finds a woman who will find it in her heart to care about my children just as if they were hers, make them feel apart of a family when they are there and just give one more person in their lives to cheer them on, support them, love them and cherish them.I never dreamed being a SM would be so emotionally draining, not because of the children, but because of the BM. It is a job that no person with a thin skin can handle and biting my tongue has became a professional sport for me as the children are the ones who are hurt in the nonsense of jealousy and bad mouthing. I am often reminded “I GAVE BIRTH TO THEM, YOU DIDN’T!!!! THEY ARE MINE!” and as true as this may be, I am filling the shoes that were left empty the best I know how and I will do so with everything I can give because children deserve a home filled with love, regardless of whose womb they may have grown in or whose DNA they share. Parenting shouldn’t be about keeping a scoreboard, it is about what is best for the children now and in the long run.
As a StepMother and “non custodial” but my HUSBAND has Joint Physical and Legal custody, I have been dealing with this for all 7 years of my SD’s life. Here’s the way “I and DH” see it. If BM wants to be included in a “normal” fashion then she should make an effort HERSELF to not be so nasty, angry, overcontroling, and demanding. Im sorry but our “Biomom” BM is just NOT going to get along for anything. She does the bare minimum to be counted as a “custodial parent” in order to keep her child support and CONTROL. Biomom gave up the “normal rights to firsts and getting to do everything with my SD only” when she beat physically on my husband, lied, hid the child, refused to let him be involved unless he was “with her” and has flat refused to get along since she agreed to Joint Custody. I will not “call on” the mother for making memories with my family. we have more children since SD’s birth. We are a family first. Obviously anything in the court order that needs to be informed with the Biomom is obvious, major life changes is obvious, but thats between DH and her. everything else is fair “game”. you may call me what ever the hell you want. and I KNOW most Biomoms will be swearing by the end of this. but you know what. if DH and I seperated, I would be in the same position. Sorry Toots, your personal hurt is yours to bare alone. Think of how my husband felt when you refused to let him see ultrasounds, refused to let him be there for the birth of his first born, refused to let him take her as a baby at all with out you right there, finding out the only way he will see his daughter is if he remains in your abusive relationship or he has a bunch of money to take you to court, not being allowed to help feed, diaper, be there when his daughter was sick, know you have had 6 different “boyfriends” that you made a baby call daddy, when he was here and willing. Before you demand respect, give it to someone who deserves to be there for things too. You want a uniform life where everything is just peachy, try getting along and actually “coparenting”. Because if DH and I seperated, this is what I EXPECT to deal with if I do not take the steps to make sure we coparent.
I think there are some very obvious milestones that a bio-mom should have. First training bra, discussion about getting your period, girly stuff like that which are major. But all else is off the table IMO. My SD is a product of not just her mom but her dad & he gets rights too. I think there are only a very few handful of bio-mom opportunities that are rightfully hers. A matter of “i want to take her to her first ballet” is more of a “this is my thing & you know it & you took it away from me on purpose”. Other wise, I dont read my SD’s mom’s mind & I dont plan to. We also do not ask permission from one another – its been made clear what we do in our home, is not her business. Infact, this is in their custody agreement. I think if my SD’s mother wanted to make some thing special or sacred, she has to communicate it with us. I’m certainly not going to be a mind reader. But I would NOT get her her first bra for instance. I will get her her second or third, or fourth. These things, I totally get.
I received a scathing email from bio mom after a short shopping spree to Walmart with her daughter. Evidently I stole a milestone moment from the bio mom. While shopping I asked if there was anything she needed while in the HABA part of the store. She said she was out of deodorant. I purchased some for her and it went to bio mom’s house. Having raised four children both male and female, I understand milestones. At no time did I ever imagine that purchasing Secret for an 11 year old girl would be a milestone. That was 4 years ago. Due to a continual barrage of bio bomb emails, I have stopped doing anything with the steps. Now who do you think is considered to be selfish and mean by her step children? Yep, me. Where should I plan to go the next weekend that they are at our house?
I am full-time stepmom to two boys (12 & 14). Their bio mom gets them about every other weekend. She left them and their father years ago so I never think twice about “firsts.” I work fulltime and I’m still the one to take them to the doctor, dentist, ortho, etc. when she was a “stay at home” mom she didnt even do those things. She would have her mom take them so she didn’t have to. She doesn’t pay child support and very rarely comes to any event for the boys. She will tell them things they need to do on their nightly phone calls such as, “I think you need to take a vitamin because you sound tired.” The 12 year old eats it up, bless his heart. He just wants to know she loves him. Anything she tells him he takes 100% to heart. He still cant understand why she left. It seems like the 14 year old thinks of her as the “fun parent” and doesnt take her very seriously. There aren’t many rules at her house, which is cool with him. Bio mom will get angry at dad when the kids don’t call her from time to time (they usually call her every night). She will express deep concern after a weekend of dealing with typical teen attitude and brotherly squabbles and enjoys telling dad what he needs to do differently to improve the boys’ behavior. Give me a break! These are normal boys except for the fact that their mother decided she needed her own life away from them. They both feel conflicted because their mom ran away but they want her approval and love. I’m the one there day in nd day out, driving them places, making sure they are safe and fed, that they have clean close that fit, etc. I provide the stability in their lives. I don’t think twice about any firsts. If I didn’t provide those experiences they would most likely never happen.