Just because a woman doesn't love her stepchild as if she's her own doesn't mean she's going to treat her like Cinderella.
Technology wasn’t working for Heather and me the day I was a guest on The Stepmom Connection. Because the archived video only included my audio, we decided to cross blog the topics, so you could get in on the conversation too. Be sure to check out the companion post on Cafe Smom.
The first taboo topic we discussed was: “I fell in love with my husband, not my stepkids”.
When I was at the height of my frustration with being a stepmom, I read Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin. I came across this sentence and quickly wrote it in my journal with the words “LIBERATING TRUTH” right by it: “Many of us can’t feel maternal towards our stepchildren. While we did indeed choose a man with children, it would disingenuous to pretend we chose the kids. We chose HIM, they came on the side.” Finally. Someone said what I’d been guilty about feeling.
A few weeks later, friend on Facebook posted that having a stepfamily was hard on her marriage. It was right after I had read Stepmonster (and I was feeling very empowered) and I commented on her post by saying, “During times like this, that I have remember that I fell in love with my husband, not with his kids. Take care of your relationship first.” Within 10 minutes, I got slammed to the mat by a soon-to-be stepfather. He asked how I could NOT love my stepchildren since they were part of the package? He loved his soon-to-be stepdaughter and couldn’t imagine marrying her mother if he didn’t love her like his own. He told me I was an awful person; a cold, heartless shrew. It’s exactly that kind of thinking and criticism that keeps stepmothers silent.
Let me say this out loud: If you don’t love your stepchildren, you are not defective. There is nothing wrong with you. If you’re a stepmom that felt maternal love towards her children right away, count yourself as lucky because for the rest of us, it takes time and for some of us, it never happens. And for all of you that are shocked by that, please know that just because we don’t love our stepkids doesn’t mean that we aren’t going to do right by them. Get the images of Cinderella out of your mind, ‘cause it’s just not gonna happen.
What makes things even more confusing is if you’re also a biomom. You may not love your stepchildren as much or in the same way as you do your own biological children and that’s okay. It may come with time, or it may never come at all, and that’s okay too! I remember the first time I told DH “I don’t love your kids like I love mine and I might never.” Instead of being judgmental or getting upset, he said, “That’s okay, give it some time.” While my relationship with my stepdaughters continues to grow and evolve, I still don’t love them like I love my biokids. I continued to feel guilty about it until someone said to me, “So what if you don’t love them like they’re your kids? Are they expected to love you like they love their mom?” No, they aren’t and it would be wrong if they did.
If you don’t love your stepkids, give yourself some time and some grace and adjust your expectations. One of the stepmoms in the chat room said, “Let the relationship evolve organically.” It may happen. It may not. But you’ll need to deal with whatever emotions or relationship that evolves.
How do you feel about your stepkids? If you don’t love them like they’re your own, have you ever admitted it? What was the reaction of the person you told? If you do love your stepkids as if they’re your biokids, what do you think of women that don’t?
Step In the Blender 
When it comes this topic, I’m extra-glad that I don’t have my own children. I can see how this would complicate matters. But because I don’t have kids, my maternal “instincts” are moreso stimulated by the presence of BF’s sons. That being said, I have different relationships with each of them- the level of connection isn’t the same and I doubt it ever will be. And I’m OK with that.
I do love the kids, but if I didn’t, that would be OK too. I think. From my perspective, I respect them as fellow human beings and I accept the fact that they are Boyfriend’s children. I hope that, regardless of the presence (or lack thereof) of the L-word, they will in turn respect and accept me in the same manner.
What a refreshing article! It’s so nice to stop the sugar-coating and just be honest. It’s more difficult than people realize to automatically love stepchildren in the same way as your biokids…and even more difficult when the step-child makes it harder on you to love them. After 5 years with my husband, I have yet to bring myself to feel a genuine love for my 9 yr old stepdaughter. From the day I met her, it was apparent she had many many behavioral problems and issues. Her mom is a convicted felon, who was arrested for 3 counts of felony fraud on 3 different people (stealing over $20,000 from each person, including MY husband before they were married!) She also had several run-ins with the law for shoplifting on a military base plus several unpaid loans. Her 2 other ex-husbands have both stated that they left her because she just cannot stop lying and cannot be trusted with even the simplest things. Clearly, my stepdaughter’s mom is a serious pathological liar, thief, and master manipulator. At 41 yrs old, she finally lost everything and was forced to move in with her brother and his new wife, while they pay the retribution for her crimes to prevent her from going to jail! She has only visited my stepdaughter a total of 10 days in 2 years and sends no birthday or Christmas gifts. My stepdaughter had a horrible example up to age 7, as she lived with that person full-time for the first 7 years of her life (DH was away a lot on military deployments.) We finally had to take her and are now raising her full-time. Needless to say, manipulation, lying, and cheating are second nature to her, making it extremely difficult to connect with her, although I’ve tried and tried for years. She treats my DH (her dad) terribly…screams at him daily and lies to him over things other kids have no reason to lie about. I hate hearing her try to manipulate him. Watching her treat him bad makes it even harder for me to love her because I know how much he gave up and sacrificed to save her from her mom. He even bailed her mom out the first time by paying the $45,000 she frauded on someone else’s credit card. He lost his entire retirement savings to that because he didn’t want his daughter to have her mom in jail. There’s a lot of negative history as to how he and I came to be responsible for this child and I have been letting guilt eat me alive because I can’t love someone who exhibits so many similarities to her criminal mom and whose behavior constantly diminishes our own family dynamics. I’m living in fear most of the time, wondering what behavioral problems will cause serious pain to us.
I’m in the exact situation you are. I dont know what to do. I also do not have any love for my stepdaughter. It’s really hard to try and love someone you dont like. Its her behavior thats turns my stomach every day. She is very rude, she lies every time her mouth opens, her demeanor is horrible, She thinks shes better than thou, and she will deceive you any chance she gets. We can not trust her. She speaks very badly to people about her father and i. And her dad doesn’t do a whole lot about it. I believe he allows it because he fills guilty. Her mother is a horrible person. She lost custody of her four children. Just the one is my husbands. But she is exactly like her. And even when i new her mother before my husband i got together (i did not like her). So its hard to like sd when she’s just like her Mom. She now has been with us for two yrs, it has been the worst two yrs of my life. She was ten when we got custody. Now twelve, and everything seems to be getting worse. My husband and I fight all the time about her. I have a 22yr old daughter who was a blessing, never any problems. But her father and I were very strict. We divorced when she was three yrs old. And she was always a good child. Im very proud of her today. So its hard for me to just sit back and watch whats going on in our house. But thats what i do. Im glad to have read your story and know im not the only one feeling this way:) I pray everyday for a change. I love my husband, but im loosing patience. Im also worried about whats next Shes a very dark child. She writes some crazy stuff on paper. Im concerned she might try to do something to us in our sleep! My brain just does not stop thinking about whats next!!!!
WOW…reading this article helped me so much. I met my husband as we were both single parents. He has an amazing relationship with my son, but his daughter and I have never got along. From the get-go, when we met she was 4 and her BM was never around and didn’t see her for months at a time, so I was forced into a situation where I was supposed to be the mom to her. She hates and has always resented me because she felt like we were “keeping her away” from her BM, we told her many times that we call BM to come see her but its up to her to do it. Well fast forward a few years and when BM got pregnant by another guy she didn’t like her daughter calling me mom and came back into her life. It was a real struggle to my husband to let her live with BM but honestly…it was for the better of ALL of us because her living with us was a nightmare every day. Even as a little girl she is evil and manipulative, slovenly, insists on arguing about everything, and has been physically violent to my child when he was barely 2 years old. Now I am in a situation where my husband is mad at me all of the time because he knows I hate his daughter and insists that I “fake it” and pretend to like her to her face so she can stop being a total attention whore. I am not sure how this is going to work. I would just prefer to disengage myself because i am NOT her mother, her BM is a lazy slob and needs to teach her daughter to be a lady and behave herself! And I am also at a serious cross-roads here now because my husband’s sisters have taken it upon themselves to be extremely judgmental of my parenting of SD for the last 4 years I’ve been in her life…but now its at a whole new level!!! They are now posting rude comments on my facebook page if i don’t include SD in pictures….I have 4 children (1 previous that my husband adopted…so he IS now my husbands child, and 3 with my husband) it is really pissing me off, I am completely ALLOWED to post pictures of my own children all I want! Honestly, their judgement of me and my husband’s forcing me to do things that aren’t true to my feelings are actually pushing me away from SD even more. I care very much for her well being and want the best for her, but I cannot love her the way I love my own children, she is an extremely rude and difficult person to get along with. She plays the “feel sorry for me” game with all of my husbands family and lies, hits, and is just a bad person.. At times I really wonder if I should have married my husband, he is the most wonderful man I have ever met…but he really came with some baggage and there are times when we fight about her that I wonder if he would leave the rest of us because of her. My other kids dislike her because she is mean, but I really wonder if he had to choose he would pick evil SD over his family. All in all, it is good for me to see that i’m not some mean old SM, I’m a real person with real feelings that other people have too!
Thank you for validating. My feelings as a step mom of over five years at first i felt very maternal. Towardd my stepkids. But the i have my own kids to take care of and i can not be a mother to kids who a) don’ t want a relationship with me and b) have a hate filled mother who constently lies to them about me and their father. Maybe someday we can have a relationship but it is not my responciblity to parent them. I look at myself more as a teacher in thier lifes love me or hate me but you still have to be nice, do you homework, follow house rules ect.
Wow! I’m so relieved by finding this. I’m not married, and do not plan to do so any time soon, but I am a bio mom of 2 & my boyfriend has a daughter. Before I met this child, my boyfriend painted a picture of her that is only real in his mind. He told me his daughter was great, a beautiful person who “wanted to save the world”. Then the day came for me to meet this child, only to find she is the most disrespectful, confrontational and annoying child I’ve ever met. My children can be terrible because I am not a blind mother, but they respect adults and other ppl. They share with other kids. This child comes to my house and does not let my daughter play with her own toys. I honestly want nothing to do with this girl. I do feel bad because my boyfriend is an amazing man, but this is affecting how I feel. I’ve been a single mom for my 2 children and I feel I shouldn’t have to deal with more headaches….if only he hadn’t painted such a prefect picture if her…..
“This child comes to my house and does not let my daughter play with her own toys.” There are many other stepmothers who have shared similar sentiments of their biochildren being made to feel like outsiders in their own homes. I’ve heard instances of bullying and even physical violence by stepchildren towards biochildren in the place that the biochild is supposed to feel safe—his or her own home. Because of that, many stepmothers and their husbands spend custodial weekends apart in order to protect their biokids. It’s definitely an issue.
yes, but do you think about how THEY feel. and you say the biochildrens home, well why isnt it considered the stepchilds home as well, get over yourselfs and don’t get with someone who has kids if you can’t handle it.
In the two cases that I know of in particular, the biokids don’t have another home to go to. In one case the other parent is deceased, in the other, the parent is uninvolved, so it IS the biochilds primary home. Is it the stepchild’s home as well? Of course it is. But I guess the question I have for you is, how much bullying and/or violence are you willing to tolerate between stepsiblings? I don’t think it’s a matter of getting over yourself or not being able to handle it. In fact, I think these two stepmothers handle the very touchy situation quite well. i don’t know about you, but I’m not willing to have my child bullied or assaulted outside or inside my home.
You asked if stepmoms think about how the stepchildren feel. I’m sure they do. I’d like to take it a step further and ask what drives a child to bully an autistic stepsibling? What makes a 9-year old girl beat her 8-year old stepsister’s head against the floor and send her to the ER with a concussion? Would I like to know how those children feel and what leads them to violence against their stepsiblings? Yes, I would. I know that if that happened in my home, I wouldn’t allow that kind of violence, regardless of the fact that the perpetrators are my husband’s children.
Do you have another solution for dealing with bullying and violence between stepsiblings? It isn’t as easy as “don’t get with someone who has kids if you can’t handle it.” I’d love to hear any suggestions that you might have.
Good luck with your thinking, i hope you don’t have to deal with what myself and the other women in my boat deal with. Just a lil about me I am a bio mom of a 1 yr old and my fiancé has two kids one 17 (not his bio) he meet BM with 6month old and one 13 and I can tell you when you have a child of your own, when you feels those kicks and the love growing inside of you it will be difficult for you to love a child who didn’t grow in you and who is not yours by choice. When I was pregnant with my son and my fiancé broke the news to the girls the older was soo upset that she left and went to be with her BM mind you BM had a baby 5-6 months prior to that. So tell me, how do I love a child who feels this way about a piece of me growing so innocently?
You don’t Candy, you love your own child and let this 17 year old run back to her mommy…..It is never going to get any better than that….I could NEVER be with someone who has teenagers. The worst. They will have loyalties to their mother and if mom is nuts good luck to you. I had my step sons at VERY young ages when they were both in diapers and their mother NEVER EVER was in the picture..;.Had she been, I would have RUN far away…..BM makes it very difficult for another woman….Why bother. Get a guy without kids. I find its usually the BM who makes it so hard. NOT the actual kids from those previous unions. BM usually resents the new woman in her ex’s life and turns her own kids against that new step mom. RUN….My sister is going through exactly the same thing. She has demon step daughters…and now she just takes care of her own 8 year old daughter and SHUNS those other girls who have run back to a very abusive real mom…At least she does have the support of her husband. He knows his almost adult daughters are rude, disprespectful and horrible creatures. My sister refuses to even allow these two girls ages 16 and almost 18 into their home anymore. Says if her husband wants to leave…he knows where the door is. She will NOT cow tow to these girls who verbally abuse her in her own home. You MUST have your husbands support to do this…which most men do not have. If my teenager was rude, verbally abusive to my new husband I would not allow this type of behavior. I am not saying they have to call my new hubby daddy or love him….but they must respect the man I have chosen…since I would never choose a crappy man to be near them
I have not had the privilege of meeting my stepdaughter. Mom is keepin her brothers & me at bay (re-unification after 3yr separation. Mom kept husband from obtaining parental rights. Mom is controlling & manipulative~ emails & texts speak, not just speculations… dad & daughter(5) bonded & ready to move on to next phase-leaving house & meeting us – mom won’t allow it although court order states he can take her out when comfort level of child is reached. Mom didn’t tell her about husband being married & having kids, making him ask her before he tells daughter about her brothers). Anyway, I imagine in time I will love her. I won’t love her like I love my boys, but I will nonetheless. She is my husband’s child & our son’s sister. If I don’t feel that love, the good thing is my husband will understand. I know its going to be hard to even be her friend because of how things are now with mom, let alone a authority figure. She’s only 5 so its hard to say. I know not being able to meet her until mom says so is not sitting well with me & its causing me to be resentful. So I’m hoping this ends before its “over before it begins.”
One of the things my youngest stepson said to me was “you have to love me.”
I asked him why. He told me that I had to because he was part of the package deal with his dad.
I very calmly and tactfully told him that I loved his dad to the moon and back but loving someone is a choice not a “have to.” I told Junior that loving him was a choice I made every day and that some days were easier than others. I also told him that just because he was his dad’s son didn’t mean I “had to” love him.
I did not expect or demand that my husband love my two daughters any more than he expected or demanded that I love his four children. When we got married, our goal was polite civility and respect. We were fortunate – our nearly adult kids genuinely liked each other and still do. When all six kids, spouses and now grand children descend upon our home, it’s a beautiful thing.
As Wallace D. Wattles states so brilliantly in “Winning Love” – we are under no moral obligation to love another.
I met my husband when I was 17 years old and he was 27. He came with two kids age 9 months and the other was 2 years old. Their mother dumped them in foster care and went off in her drug world. Husband got the kids out of foster care and then I met him with the two kids. I was then 18 years old and we all moved in together. He and I and his two sons both in diapers. Bio mom NEVER showed up for visits, NOT one. After about a year we never heard from her again. I ended up at 18 taking care of his kids or babies really…They called me mom from almost day ONE. I did everything from diapers, feeding, playing, everything a mom does…I did love them…but at my age I was tired of taking care of HIS kids. We ened up having two more kids a boy and a girl…I was now 23 years old. I was not able to love his two sons the way I loved my own two kids. I cared about his children but that mother child bond was not there. As hard as I tried, INSIDE my heart I could not love them like my own. Over the years I beat myself up over this. His two sons did NOT know I was not their real mother until they hit the teenage years. They never said anything about me loving my own kids more, but deep inside I think they knew….I have to say I do LOVE the two boys…just in a very different way then I love my own kids. My husband and I ended up getting divorced…had NOTHING to do with any of the kids….Our kids blended in together…all four of them and they grew up together and they are all siblings together. Even after the divorce I remained VERY close to those two boys. I was in their lives during everything they went through from school, sporting events, weddings, grandkids…everything….ex Husband and I stayed very close friends and he passed away a few years ago. All 4 kids are now in their 30’s….we are ALL very close. I have a total of 5 grandkids from all of them. We have NEVER EVER used the word STEP in our family. Not when they were babies and not ever during their lives. I was always mom and those two boys were always my sons. I once showed them a picture of their mother. They both said, “burn them”. “She is not our mom”. “You are”. the oldest around 25 years old told me he was so lucky to have been raised with me and said he would have had a terrible life if I was not in it and his real mother was. But now, 37 years later…I still do not love them like I do my own children…Is that crazy or what???? I would die if something happened to either one of them..I would defend them with my own life…but there is something about looking at my own kids and knowing they are MINE…I made them….Very difficult……I have felt such guilt for so many years….Glad I am not alone…and glad I did NOT have crazy bio mom around. That would have totally changed everything and I am sure I would have been divorced right from the get go…..
I might ADD, that bio mom of my two sons, died when they were both teenagers, over 20 years ago…Drug overdose. We heard about a year after her death that she had died from a long lost friend…They never knew their own mother except as babies in diapers…at 9 months old and the other was 2 years old…
I have a question Terry. My fiancé and I are tryin to easie our family. He has two daughters one (17 not his bio) and the other 13. The 17 yr old doesent know he is not her BD as she grew up with him since she was 6 month old. This girl is causing many problems in our home and because of the situation my fiancé doesent know how to address some issues. Recently BM called and said 17yr dad is looking for her. Mind you BM is crazy and dillusional. She plays tricks and games with my fiancé because she knows he loves these girls. Now how do they go about tellin this child that my fiancé is not her BD? I am getting tired of her attitude and negative energy in our home.
Hi Candy. I will tell you I raised my step sons since both were in diapers. There mother never came around and she eventually died when the boys were 14 and 16 years old. They did NOT know I was not their mother. One wonderful day my husband got mad at me and blurted out to the kids when they were 14 and 16 years old that I was not their real mother. Kodak moment if you could have seen the boys faces. They were crushed and did not understand any of it. I will add that they were very hurt. BUT, when I sat them down and told them the story of their mother…they got it. I am sure one of my step sons wishes he could have met his mother. He would not have liked what he saw…Heroin addict and sold herself on the streets. She died of drug overdose. They have grown up and are now 48 and almost 40 years old now…Time flys..Anyways. They have both told me they were so lucky to have me in their life. They said they would have been dragged through the mudd had their real mother been in their life. They are thankful I am their mom. My husband died 6 years ago…but those two boys are VERY close to me along with my grandkids I have from them. I have NEVER EVER called them my step children. They are all mine….along with the two other kids, boy and girl my husband and I have. All four kids are very close. JUST sit this girl down and tell her the truth NOW…She might be hurt, but she will understand. I have to tell you if my two sons real mother was in the picture LONG LONG ago when they were babies in diapers..I would have run away VERY fast. I would never have dealt with the ex wife or the mother always being up in the mix. NEVER. It only worked out because she left them and never returned…thus allowing me to love them and raise them as my own…which I did.
Can’t wait for PART II….
I lvoed reading this! Just get it all out there! Why hide our feelings. I can say that I love two out of three SD’s. I can even say I love them almost as much as my own. However, I cannot say that about the oldest one. Hell no. Then again she has never let me in. When she was younger she used to say I favoured my two bio over her. Yet she didn’t love me like she loved her mom. But I was expected to love her like mine? unconditionally? When at the same time she did whatever she could to ruin any relationship I tried to have with her?When she didn’t love ME unconditionally? Now we are plesant for her dad’s sake and really that is all. Half the time I like her and half the time I totally cannot stand her. She irritates me. and I irritate her. I am okay with it since we both know how each other feels. We have moved on and deal with it. I do hope for the best for her in life, as I would not wish ill on anyone and would want to see her thrive and do her best as a young adult (she is now 19). I totally loved this post as I can relate. Problem is that her and my problems had caused a TON of issues with my husband and I in the past. We have moved on but sometimes it still hurts.
i fell in love with my partner not his child i care for her.but not the same as my own why do some people think that we should love our stepchild more then a child that grew inside us we felt them move we gave birth too them its totally diffrent love am i wrong for admiting that?
No, I do not love my stepchildren. I do, however, love their father very much. They have made it very difficult to love them, so I really don’t feel guilty or badly for not loving them.
Ahhh…it feels good to get that off my chest!
Im so glad I found this, I thought I was the only one who doesnt love her step daughter..
Don’t feel bad. It’s perfectly normal to want a normal life without previous relationships (no matter how insignificant they were) in the way!
I have felt the same way since I married my husband. He was only with his ex-girlfriend because she got pregnant after two months of dating. His daughter’s mother has been trying to make my life miserable for so long. I just found out I’m pregnant and I worry constantly about what she’s going to come up with to get to me when she finds out. The daughter is okay but pretty whiny. I definitely don’t love her, and her mom’s antics make it very hard to do so. We have to give her so much money, and I worry that my kids will be deprived of things later in life because their sister is getting such an excess amount. I’m glad other people have trouble with this kind of thing too.
Me too!! Makes me feel so much better knowing I’m not alone!
I feel the same way Melanie! It’s nice to know I’m not alone in this!
I do love my step children. I don’t know if i can say I love one more than the other, but I love them differently thats for sure! (the oldest make it a lot harder) However, I want kids of my own and I feel like the love I have with my step kids it’s not the same unconditional love I really want to share. I sometimes feel my husband doesn’t understand that I don’t recieve the same love from his children that he does. But i also worry about introducing a new baby into the family, how it will affect my stepkids and change the dynamic of our family.
I don’t buy that whole argument that Johnny McSlammer laid on you.
I’m one who believes in a number of things with regard to step-children:
1 – It is possible to love them. I believe you can love them right up to the difference between having a biological connection and not.
2 – I believe it’s possible for some people to love them “just like they were their own.”
3 – I believe there is a difference between “loving” someone and “caring” about someone. I believe that it’s possible to have a good relationship with your new partner without “loving” your step-children. I don’t believe it’s possible to do so without “caring about” your step-children and their health and well-being.
4 – I believe it’s also possible to think a whole lot less of your step-children than anyone might be ever willing to openly admit!
I thought I was the only one. I love my husband, but I don’t think there will ever be a day that I truly love his 2 girls. I have no connection With them what so ever. I’m glad when they go back to their mothers house and my husband, son and I can go back to our normal way of life. It seems like they completely disrupt our daily flow of things.
I TOTALLY feel the same about my stepdaughter! Holy. You nailed it right no the head. I am totally happy when Monday morning rolls around & she goes back to her mom’s & I can move on with our lives!
I 100% feel the same way you do!
And same again here…!
That is how I used to feel as well, for 2 week periods I lived one life and the other 2 weeks another, we had his 2 girls on a 2-2 rotation. However as of 6 months ago their mother left the province and moved away leaving the girls with us. They are now living with us full time, and I am responisble for them for 2 weeks at a time, as my husband works out of town. For for two week periods I feel like a single mom of four children which is a danting enough task. I have 2 bio children of my own, two boys, and I struggle everyday with guilt that I don’t love them the same way. I care for them, buy them things, everything is ALWAYS fair, I do everything with them that I do my own, but at the end of the day I don’t love them like I feel I should. I care for them, and waht the best for them, I want them to gorw up well rounded women, that are successful, however I struggle to love them.
There mother is still in the picture, she calls them, and I know they have a never endig love for her, one that regardless of waht I do will never be replaced. I know they don’t love me the same as they love their mother, but I do feel like I should love them like they were my bio children. There are times I feel like they try to take the places of my bio children, days that they go to visit their father they are excited that ‘there are no boys in the house’ and that we should do something special becaseu they are not home, it angers me to hear that, they will never replace my sons, ever. I miss my boys when they aren’t at home, but the girls get excited that their isn’t four kids in the house. The oldest girl is very much an attention getter, always wanting to do one-on-one without anyone else, but in a fmaily of four children that doesn’t happen much. She will make comment that she wished she were an only child, and I tell her she never will be, she has a sister that she has had since she was 2 and 2 brothers, ones I brought into the relationship, and a little brother that she has with her bio mom. I am at the end of my leash, I feel guilt, but NO ONE can say I treat them different, I am very fair to make sure they all get the same, however I loved my boys before they were even born, and I don’t have that with the girls.
She’s a kid. She’s not trying to replace your sons. Did you have siblings growing up? Was there a time when YOU ever wished you were an only child? When I was a kid, I was excited when I could get alone time with my parents, or when my brothers weren’t around. I think most children with siblings have moments like that. I’m sure she doesn’t have a vendetta against your kids besides regular old sibling rivalry.
I have to agree with Bano. Girls at that age find boys icky, and since you’re the major female figure in their life, they’re probably excited to spend girl time with you. If the girls went somewhere and the boys were excited that their sisters weren’t home, would you feel like they were trying to replace your husband’s children? This is just regular kid behavior, imo. They might not replace your bio children and you probably won’t ever love them the same way, but try to enjoy your girl time with them or at least try and understand where they’re coming from.
Don’t over look the fact that your SDs may feel abandonded by thier bm and are looking to conect with you as their female role model boy girl times are normal. Try not to look at it as negative towards your son but more positive towards you after all they are including you … after years of trying with my SDs now all i have left are my thoughts and prayers for them as they have falesly accused me of child abuse. I am now thankful for everyday with my biokids and for the life my husband and i are building. May be someday they will understand the distruction lies cuase but for now i’m glad thier BM is the one having to face the consequences of all her and their lies. BtW it took us moving 1200 miles away and not allowing comunication between her bios and steps for my bio children to start to heal. I relised after the fact that i was starting to loose my relationship with my bio D. Because she looked up to her big sissys so much, she was starting to believe their lies and join in in thier bad behavior.
I too feel the same way! My husband mother has his daughter and we are fighting in court to get custody of her (terminate the guardianship) since 2010. My SD who is almost 11 comes to our house every other weekend, and sleeps in OUR ROOM, while we sleep on the couch because NANA says she has to have her own room; I only agreed to give up my bedroom if she lived with us, not just for visitation. Its not the law that a child who doesnt live with you has to have their own room. Its just ridiculous. My husband never disciplines her, or acknowledges anything wrong that she does and tells me that I just hate his daughter. My sons live with us (one from ex)and our son. I absolutely can’t stand when she comes over, she has horrible hygeine like his mother and she lies all the time. The grandparents buy her whatever she wants, so she has no manners never says thank you for anything, acts like we owe her something. Oh and I forgot to mention, another thing that happens when she is over is that my son has to leave HIS home at night because that was a stipulaton NANA added in mediation, that my husband didn’t feel necessary to discuss with me, before he just agreed to it. We are on the verge of getting a divorce because I have had it and I am tired of fighting with him over it because he just disregards anything that I say anyhow. I really just can’t deal with it anymore. I don’t want to get divorced again, and put our son through that but I feel like a prisoner in my own home when she is here, and he just sides with his daughter because he doesn’t want to cause conflict. If she lives her I can imagine what kind of chaos and disorder will be cause, plus my husband mother will be interfering in our lives probaly calling DHS on us anything to try and get her PAYCHECK back. I feel I have the right to voice my opinion about this situation to him since I am the one working paying all the bills including his CHILD SUPPORT and have been for the past 8 years. Me and SD used to have a great relationship (she even called me mom, since her BM wasn’t in the picture due to her love for meth and getting beat on by her new baby daddy) but since the court issue started grandma has gotten BM involved (who is now sober only because she was caught cooking meth while the cops came, and her 2 small kids were present too) LOSER. My SD acts like her mom and grandma are SAINTS she will one day get a reality check I am sure.
I have just started reviewing your site (came here via Lee Block/Post-Divorce Chronicles), and I wanted to ask a question from the other side of the equation.
I’m a biomom whose children are being “consumed” into a new family unit with my ex, his very overbearing wife and her own two children. They are so fixated on the concept of creating a family together — by blending her kids and his/my kids — that it has been the source of serious concerns for me for the past few years. My concern arises from this: She constantly talks about how she loves my children JUST AS MUCH as she loves her own. But this “love” is revealing itself in disconcerting/creepy ways, almost to the extent of seemingly trying to replace me as the mother (removing reminders of me, like when my daughter and I paint our nails together to match and stepmom removes it; changing physcial appearance, like taking my daughter to get a hair cut to match step mom’s hair WITHOUT my permission; stepmom calling my children “her” children in every public setting possible, including her own blog, etc.).
I am only a biomom…not a stepmom too. But I do have a boyfriend with his own kids, and I can honestly say that I know I have the capacity to love another person’s children. But as a biomom, how can anyone ever love another person’s children as much as you love your own? There is a special place reserved in my heart forever for my own kids, and I cannot imagine it being any other way.
And by the way, I do not have deep-seated insecurities about being replaced — I know my children know who their mother is, and I’m totally confident in my role. It’s just hard to sit back and watch as this manipulative game is playing out.
I have tons of respect for step moms, but I do feel there’s a “right way” and a “wrong way” to do it. Trying to force love and reveal it as being “just as much as” the love you feel for your own children — this just doesn’t seem right. Am I mistaken?
I feel this way now. My ex started dating a young (teenage but legal) girl for whom I at first gave the benefit of the doubt instead of condemning her for being the “other mom”, but when some tense custody issues arose with the state and BD she decided to get involved and say some nasty things. Suddenly I was “a bad mother” and my daughter calls her mom. I had treated her boyfriend badly and I should lose my parental rights.
I’m not comfortable sending my daughter there when I know she is around but I try not to say anything. I’ve seen her post pictures of them online and saying she wishes he had had my daughter with her instead and how she only sees me when she looks at her.
I understand that she wants a perfect little family with him, as I have to admit I am trying to achieve just the same with my fiance and his son, but in a very different situation; But turning it into a battle over who the better mother is only going to hurt my daughter.
Oh wow Ally, can I relate…I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Just know there are others out there struggling with these same issues. It’s the hardest thing in the world to send your children into a situation that you KNOW with every fiber of your being is unhealthy. Ugh… 😦
Mikalee,
I am so sorry that your Ex’s wife took over this way and I agree she was way out of line. I am a step mom to two boys whom my husband has custody of. I have tried really hard to remind the boys that they need to honor and love their mother no matter her choices or actions. I have really struggled because I don’t feel the same way about these boys that I do my own two children. My kids are grown and in college.
Being a stepmom is a hard place. I believe my role is to support my husband in being the best dad he can be, to teach the boys to honor their mother and to love my own children completely. I also believe I am suppose to guide these two boys to grow up to be honorable men.
I would encourage you not to talk negatively about their step mom or their dad but be yourself to them, love them completely, stay consistent, and be there for them. Never give up on them. Like you said, they know you. Kids are really smart and see through things. As my kids have gotten older they have told me things that they “saw through”.
Trust me… Your kids will come back and tell you how much they appreciate this!
Thank you, Bella, for such a thoughtful reply. Your advice is spot-on…and the odd thing is, my children are already telling me how much they see through my ex and his wife. Bizarre, considering the kids are a mere 12 and 10 years old.
It sounds like you’re doing exactly what you should be doing with your step-kids, despite a very difficult situation. To teach them to love and honor their bio mom — even though your husband has custody, and she clearly has made questionable choices considering she doesn’t have custody — is noble indeed.
Congrats, thank you again, and I wish you and your family the best of luck.
I have enjoyed reading everyone’s posts and I hope that I don’t get to badly critized for what I’m about to write. I’ve been with my husband for 9 years and we have been married for 2. When I met him he informed me he had a son. I never met his son the first year we were together. I found out he had tons of child support debt which now that I am in charge of the finances has been paid off. After the first year we were together I would insist that my husband see his son. I would encourage him to do so……So from year 2 – 4 he would see him every other month for a couple of hours. I was in college at this time and I never really thought much about us being together long term. I was to focused on my graduating and getting a job, becoming established in life. So now we are onto year 5…..we moved into together were engaged two years later and married on year 7. Now we have been together for 9 total : ) I have to be honest…..my husband never seemed to take interest in the fact he had a child unless I made him, my husbands mother would bring him over, or my husbands family would get together and someone would pick the child up so he would be included in the family function. I also have to say that I dislike he has a child. I use to not, but once we moved in together and then got engaged and now married I truly hate it. The son is now 16 years old almost 17. We have no realationship at all. I’m ok with that. I married my husband not his child. I love how our life is. He’s never around but when he does come around I get very annoyed . I honestly see him about 5 times a year. My husband says that he sees him all the time, but I know that he’s lying and he only says it to make himself feel better. We plan on having kids soon and I really don’t want his child to start effecting our life when we do. i feel like a horrible person sayiny all of this, but it’s the way I feel. I’ve gone to therapy for this exact situation but it has not helped . i will literally go weeks without remembering he has a child, and then when I do remember or I know I have to see him at a family function I was to throw up. I have to take anxiety pills to get through it. I read all your posts and I feel lucky in the fact that I’ve never had to deal with him living with us, having him around every other weekend or even honestly seeing him more than 5 times a year. I just wish the situation would go away. I’ve recenlty heard the son might go into the military after high school. I really hope that he does so he will be far away. I know it’s hard to believe but I really am a good person. Constantly doing things for others, throwing parties for people, I just can’t accept this.
I applaud your courage to say how you feel. There are many stepmoms just like you that don’t like their stepchildren, don’t want to have a relationship with them, have no maternal feelings for them, etc. It sounds as though you would benefit from a support system to get you through visits and family functions anxiety-free. Do you know other stepmoms???
Hi BioStep –
Thank you for your response to my message. I have a best friend who is a stepmom but she also has 3 children of her own from other marraiges. I have many friends that are are divorced who have children and are dating men with children. I feel like they have to almost accept their boyfriends kids since they have their own. I came into this situation with no children, and never had any interaction with his child. I can honestly say I have probably been around his kid 20 times in 9 years, and that is the truth. I’m ok with that. I have never considered myself a step mom and still don’t to this day. I know in my heart that I will never love him, accept him, or want anything to do with him. I want my own children with my husband and for us to have our own family wihtout interuptions from . I sounds like such a horrible person saying all this.
The dynamics are different in every family. When it comes to steplife, one size does not fit all. Just as a word of advice, your husband may take issue with you totally rejecting his son. Afterall, they share DNA. It sounds as though they have a distant relationship, but when you do encounter your husband’s son, put your best foot forward and treat him with the same common courtesy that you would treat your friends or even strangers. No one says that you have to have a relationship with him, but at some point you’ll have to come to terms with the fact that he exists and will be in your lives (although sparingly) for the rest of your life.
Oh my god can I can relate to you. My husband and I havr been married for 2months and have been together for 1yr n a half. At first wen we started dating I thought nothing of it for the fact that I also did not expect to get married and stuff I wad only 20 nw 21 but things jst happened. Any who he also did not show any interest in trying to see his children, he has three a 7, 3, 3 yr old from different mothers, but has only met one 3yr old daughter the other two moms didnt want him in the babies lives if he didnt married them which is stupid. My point is I would always tell him to ask if he could see his daughter, to call and see if she needs anything he would do it only after id tell him or his mother or his sister which they have no business I think because they were the ones that would call the babies mom and all this not him.. but dats a diff story. But now I dnt tell him to try n seee her or anything I try to avoid all this. Today he went and picked her up I still have not seen her since im at work but I got so annoyed wen he told me he had picked her up and she was going to stay the night and maybe even for new years .uuh in my head hell no im tryn to have fun and go out on new years not stay home and take care of a child dats not mine!!!! Then he calls me again and tells me the babies mom told him shes glad that the babie is happy when she comes over and that she knows im good to her because she said, ” I want to go to my daddy and mommys house” meaning me calling me mommy!?? This whole cituation is f up.
I love babies dnt get me wrng n everything is fine untill I remember again that she is not mine that she is my husbands and some other womans kid not mine I begin to feel jelousy.. I hope ppl dnt hate me for it but as much as I try I just cant help it.
You ARE lucky. I don’t want kids – never did. My husband and I have been married 3 years. My SD now lives with us; her mom basically said, “I’m done, now you take her.” Not good. I’m pretending everything is okay, but this is hard on me and our marriage. I should have seriously considered this possibility before we got married. I don’t know how, but it never really occurred to me. If any of them had lived with him when we met, I would not have even dated him. I guess that should have clued me in. Live and learn.
So true. No kids of my own and the exact same situation here except my husband works away. So when the bio-mom figured she was done being a mom, I became an insta-single parent. It didn’t work out so well and after a year & a half of struggling with lying, stealing, peeing in vents, ect, I asked my husband to come home and stay home for a bit. He’s been home for 5 months and he is on his way back out to work. Not only did I have a troubled kid to try and deal with, I had a miserable husband. Funny how it’s always the people who didn’t ask for such situations, are the ones that have to suck it up. Good luck to you Anna!
Anna, All three of my step-children live with me. Same situation but the youngest two (15 and 17) were dumped at my house this past year. I do not want them there and my life is a living hell. My husband acts like I’m some sort of monster because I expect them to behave a certain way while he does discipline when he feels like it and on his terms. My life sucks ass and I hate all four of these people who are supposed to be my “family”.
You have your SD full time now?! Well, you couldn’t have predicted what the outcome would have been so don’t be too hard on yourself. Although never wanting kids – and if he has a child, then you couldn’t have expected not to see his kid & for her to be in your life.
Does your husband & ex not have a custody agreement?
You should speak up. This is your life too & it affects you. You should have a voice in your home. I’ve made myself clear about many situations where my husband tried to have my SD at our home more often than I was willing to. I put my foot down & say that I’m not ready for that in my life & that is that!
Please don’t hate me
The few times I am around my husband’s son is at family events such as xmas, thanksgiving, his son’s b-day etc. My husbands family in the last year has began to question on why we never do things all together. I’ve talked to my husbands mother on how I feel and why. I know it’s not right and I know that all families come in different sizes and have different situations. I just always pictures myself with a loving man who only had me in his life. Starting a family together with no other interuptions from past events. I know life is not perfect, but I like to perceive it like that in my head. I try to be courtesy to his son, but it’s hard for me even to see him. I don’t feel like I’m being mean but I know his son thinks that I hate him….which I do not. I just have issues with the situation. It’s hard for me to accept that he will be part of our life forever. I think I might have mentioned that I’ve recently heard his son is planning on enrolling in the military. To be honest I hope he does. I hate feeling like this, I really do.
Lulu, my situation is very similar to yours and I feel exactly the same way you do. I do not have any kids and I hate the fact that my husband has a son. I dread the weekends that he will be at our house, which luckily for me as he gets older is happening less and less. I also feel guilty for feeling this way, but I cannot help it. I have been with my husband for 7 years now and the feeling just gets stronger as the years go by, it’s not getting any better. I do not treat him bad, I know he did not ask to be brought into this situation, but I will be glad when he is grown so we can move on with our lives!
I very much feel the same way you do. I wish it could change but it doesn’t. Unfortunately she’s not old enough to start pick/choosing if she wants to come over but I’m hoping she’ll get bored of coming by & start moving on with her life & come for visits less frequently.
How sucky is that eh?
I read all these replies and just shake my head. I know this is about step kids and the like…but women…WHY if you have problems with these horrible step kids…BEFORE you are married do you think its going to get better AFTER you are married? Just wondering. And for some women to wonder WHY their husbands kids will be part of your life forever is a no brainer…These kids ARE your husbands children. Do you expect him to just dump his kids because he met YOU???? And yes, if you treat the kids like outsiders the kids will KNOW it and act accordingly. I think if you do NOT like the step kids..BEFORE marriage…then do NOT marry the man..even if you think he is some great guy…and AFTER you marry if you hate the step kids…GET out of this marriage. You are all miserable and the kids are as well. Get with a man with NO CHILDREN….How horrible to live your lives with this much hate and turmoil…I would NEVER and I repeat NEVER marry a man with young kids or teenagers..NEVER. I would also have to think long and hard about being with a guy with Grown up kids as well…Ex’s usually cause lots of problems and its just not worth it. I was with a man who had kids 9month old and 2years old when I met him…Mother was NEVER EVER in the picture and then died when they were teenagers. I was able to deal with these two boys since mom was NEVER there and I had support from the dad on how to raise them and discipline them. We ended up have two more kids….and they all called each other brothers and sister…..The two boys always called me mom since that is all they ever knew…Now kids are all grown in their 30’s and dad has passed away…My next go around will be with a man with NO kids..NONE, not even grown kids…Way too much drama…..unless the BM has passed away….Good luck out there.
Dear Terry –
Please remember this blog is about our feelings. I’m not saying my feelings are correct, we are all differnt. However, I should never be made to feel bad about them. When I married my husband I did know that he had a child. However did not meet that child until over a year later. At that time he was 8. In the ten years I’ve been with my husband I have barly been around his child, but neither has he. At the most he sees him 5 times a year and myself 3-5 dpending on the year’s events. I wish I felt differnt about him, but it makes me uneasy and gives me anxiety. I think that when I met my husband if he would have an agreement of every other weekend, I would be fine with it, or we would have no longer been together. That was never my situation, so I’m not sure how I would have dealt with it. I truly hate the way I feel when I’m around him. I think I beat myself up inside more than anyone can imagine about this. It’s not a topic I discuss and when I found this blog, it was a huge relief to be able to share my story. I know that my husband’s son is not going away, and I do wish for him too. However, the realationship they have is very strange and distant but that will not change their connection. My husband has chosen not to be a part of his child’s life. I tried for many years to get my husband to be a part of his life, but he chose not to be. I gave up and I don’t care. Of course, I knew when I married him. I do wish the situation would go away, but I also know that it’s not going to. Does this make selfish, YES ! Does this make me immature, YES ! I know these things. I know that the way I feel , people like you will hate me for. I understand why you would. But I would not judge you for how you feel about anything. We all have situations in life that make us uncomfortable, this one happens to be mine. I’ve always said, I married my husband not his child. Although we have very little involvment with him I wish I could feel normal when I’m around him. Many step parents have to deal with their step children all the time. I guess you could say I’m lucky that I don’t. I wish I would be excepting when I see him 3 times a year. It’s still hard though. I do pray at night and have gone to years of therapy over this matter. It’s just something I have a very hard time with. I do appreciate your thoughts and respect them.
Lulu, Your feelings are definitely valid and normal. You are very lucky that you only deal with a stepkid a few times a year. Just so you know, I dealt with my SD only a few times a year at first, then later we got full custody with no breaks ever. In both scenarios, I always had/have the same feelings about the whole step thing. So, I’m not saying it’s easier for you since the step isn’t will your full time, but look on the bright side–you could be dealing with a stepchild 24/7. 😦
I’m sorry, but if you are going to YEARS of therapy over this..have you thought of divorcing this man. NO man is worth the headache and stress this is causing your life. I am still shaking my head…That anyone would put themselves through this…NO man is worth this.
I don’t like my step-children at all. I feel uncomfortable around them and I don’t know what to do. We don’t live together and I’m always tense and worried before they arrive and relieved when they go home. We live with my biological children and part of the problem comes from my resentment about the lack of effort made by my husband to bond with my children. He remained distant for quite some time, and was only in a good mood when his children were around. I can’t get past this resentment and it contributes to the reason why I simply resent his children. I wonder how long it will take me to get past this. If anyone has any advice, it would be most welcom.
Giro, get divorced. Why did you marry such a man in the first place? To be honest, this relationship does not sound like it is going to last in the current situation. You either sit down and have a serious conversation with your husband and both admit your feelings and faults and move on to work on a better future together, or you go your separate ways. It is not fair to live like that.
I have been married for 2 years and 2 months, knew my husband for 2years before we got hitched. I moved from uk to usa, only to be confronted by having his son live with us fulltime. I really wasnt ready to be a step mom. everything has been about him from the get go, we have never had a honeymoon period, from fighting about the childsupport,custody issues. to the idiot-dragged-up-bio-mother coming around to our house screaming that we had kidnapped her son, i”m just over the whole situation. now he has full physical custody, but this idiot woman is still around ( they barely knew each other when they were in a relationship, then she got knocked up) I just wish he would go away for a few months so we could get our rhythm back, as it is our marriage is suffering. he is a good kid, but i have absolutely nothing in common with him, when i look at him I see his mothers face, her deceitfulness and laziness. at 12 years old he is apathetic, lazy and just annoying. its harder for me too because i want to have my own kids, i often resent the fact that it seems like hubby puts more effort into the son from the “crazy idiot” than he does to getting pregnant. there’s so much resentment building up, its hard to know how to cut through it. i do not love this child, i have even spoken to the child saying that its a relationship that will have to be worked on, which will evolve. i am very honest with my husband that i do not love him, that i may never, but i wish him the best. my hubby has a huge heart, he even took on this womans other child as his own, however i always point out to him thats easy because she was 2 or three and cute as a button, try that with a 12 year old. I’m over the whole step parent thing, truly.
Oh my god, we are in such a similar situation, Prima!
I am 22 and I also moved from the U.K. to the U.S.A for my husband. We knew each other and dated long distance for over a year and then I married him in the U.S.A. I knew he had a 7 year old daughter from the beginning and that she lived with him (since the mother left the father to be with a lesbian, leaving the girl with the dad at age 5).
I got along well with my husband’s daughter and my husband and the step-daughter’s mother were civil to each other and worked together on parenting fine for the most part. The step-daughter sees her mother at the weekends. After getting married in the court house, the girl’s mother called me to ask me why I didn’t invite her! Well, I think the reason was obvious, what a creepy person to say that. I did not and still don’t have problems spending time with my step-daughter and getting along with her, but I do not love her. I do however care about her well being and happiness as much as I do about any other child – because I am a compassionate human being, not because I have a special bond.
The lesbian ex-wife is the main issue. I never had a honeymoon also, and less than a month after getting married, this woman starts to nag about little things like how her daughter is not getting enough vegetables, not enough vitamins, having breakfast too late, not having enough activity, etc. Despite my best efforts to take care of this child, without any previous parenting experience, her mother always criticized. Soon after, the mother and her lesbian lover get into a huge violent fight in front of the child, and things start to spiral out of control from there.
My husband and I cared about the child’s safety and making sure the daughter doesn’t get exposed to domestic violence, but the mother cared more about her lover and wanted to maintain her relationship, despite her own daughter protesting against it and despite her lover physically assaulting my husband in front of the child. This woman threatens me to “have me deported” to tell authorities that I am illegal or do illegal things. All these things she makes up because she wants to get the dad to do as she says, and she can no longer control him with me around. Now with my support, my husband had to take her to court and get a restraining order in place to prevent this mother from letting her child have contact with her lover, which he won, thankfully.
Now comes the custody case, because the mother wants to take the child away out of the country and have custody, even though she lied in court to protect her girlfriend and denied the violence happened. And as thousands of dollars borrowed from family drain on court fees, I wonder if we will ever be able to recover from this debt. I want a child of my own to love with my husband, and I love my husband very much. However, sometimes it is difficult to deal with it all, especially when the step-daughter misbehaves, is rude, lies and does things that are obvious flaws inherited from her mother.
Sounds like the two of you just wanted AMERICAN citizenship…hmmm
Terry, what on earth is in the previous two posts that suggests they were only after American citizenship? Why would anyone from UK want that?
Terry, what a strange comment. What is it in these two posts that suggests they are after US citizenship? And why would anyone from the UK want that?
I am so relieved i found this site! I honestly thought i was the only horrible person in the world that absolutely can’t wait until my five year old step daughter goes back to her mom’s house! I am very nice to her, i try to play with her and take her places. I just don’t know what the problem is. She just aggravates me and when she is around my husband babies her and lets her whine, scream, jump on the furniture, etc. I dont dont have any children of my own, but i want a baby so badly it makes me sick and my husband doesn’t want one yet. Maybe i am just jealous, but it makes me sick hearing him always tell her that he was the first one to touch her when she was born even though she was in mommy’s belly… ugh! it really bothers me to hear all this stuff when im not allowed to have one of my own. If i was to ever tell him that i didn’t love her he would probably divorce me. I have and would NEVER be mean or hateful to her, but no, i don’t want to play video games all the time, i don’t want to make brownies and i dont want to play rock paper scissor! Shew, didn’t realize it could feel so good to get it off my chest and know that im not the only one that isn’t madly in love with thier stepchild! Im sure i’ll be posting again soon 🙂
HAHA! I know how you feel. I am the same as you. I love it when there is a week & half where it’s just my hubby & I….I don’t always know what it is either but I’m not a fan of hers. She’s alright & some days I like her a lot & other days I can’t stand to be around her. She gets in my way & I like it when we can move on with our normal life 🙂
I feel the same way about BF’s three young kids. They’re whiny and he always babies them.
No, I do not love my soon to be steps. I barely know them as BF has EOW custody. I get along easier with his son and I can relate with him because I have a bio-son. I do not like to be around his 9 yr. old daughter at all for many different reasons. I will babysit them on occasion when he works over time and I will make sure the kids are fed and taken care of and have activities to do, but I don’t enjoy it. In fact, I really feel like if he isn’t available to see his kids on their weekend, then they really should stay at their moms or go to their grandmothers’. I think alot of how I feel stems from this—My son is 14 and I have spent the last 14 years making him a priority. Now that he is more independent, I feel like its time to stop putting what I want on the back burner. I want to finish my degree, I want to relax on the weekends and do what I want to do, visit friends, get pedicures, see the movies I want to see……my time for little kid stuff is over. His kids have a great mom and step dad and they do lots of fun stuff. They don’t miss out on anything that kids should experience. So, no I don’t feel the need to step in blaze Super Stepmom.
Then do NOT marry this man. You will NOT be able to do all those things you want to do in your life and its not fair to you. Seems like your husband kinda dumps them onto you. RUN…FAST
Listen guys, I work in early childhood ed and I can tell you that children just want to be accepted and cared for. It’s A LOT OF HARD WORK. It’s a lot of time and effort invested to develop a real, lasting RELATIONSHIP with a child. Children do not know who to trust and who is safe. You need to start working on gaining their trust. Family is family – and you are stuck with them whether you wanted it or not. And you are stuck with them for life, so you better start trying earnestly to make it work. If you want a successful home life, you NEED to treat EVERYONE like family. Nobody can be separated from this category. You can’t just “divorce” a kid because you don’t like other peoples kids being in your care. Your behavior is like a “shout” in the home because you are a “parent”. Did you think that you were marrying into a family so that you could become another child or sibling? I’m sorry, but as a co-authority in the home, the children will never see you as a sister. That’s just gross. Children react off of your behavior. If they feel you are not interested in them, they will immediately know something is wrong. You have to work at it. You should show the kids you are genuinely interested in them by taking them out individually on your own without your husband and getting to know them, and bonding over good times. That’s how relationships and trust is built.
I strenuously disagree that we step parents have to take out our skid/skids. Too often, I have known step parents that put enormous effort into skids that summarily rejected them later, ie: when they were teenagers. I’m not all that “interested” in my skid, I am an authority figure in the household – nothing more or less. I cannot nor would I even want to replace his (horrid) mother. I make sure he looks after his teeth and eats healthy – but the hugs/kisses and mothering are for my son, as it should be. I am not my skid’s mother – he already has a Mom. I, like the others, relish when my skid goes back to biomom’s.
That’s great that you (mlbutterfly) work in early childhood ed. BUT that is a whole lot different than having a stepchild that does NOT want you to be around….no matter how much we try to accept and care for them. Most of these children want their bioparents back together and nothing else matters.
If you have read a lot of these posts, most of these SM HAVE worked hard at these relationships….I know I have with mine. I have one that is wonderful and one that no matter what I do, it doesn’t work. I have been married for 22 years……..long, hard, difficult years when that SC is around, even now, as a grown up.
Do you have stepchildren in your household or do you just “work” with them during the day, then go home to your own family?
Loving and trusting someone takes time, I don’t care if it’s a child or adult. You can’t rush love. It’s not like giving birth to a child that you have had growing inside of you for 9 months, falling in love more every day. Trust also take time…..but if SK doesn’t want any part of it, you are doomed from the beginning.
You can voice your opinions all day long about this subject, but until you walk in someone else’s shoes for awhile, experiencing what they are day after day, don’t judge. Every situation is different, every child is different. (and most husbands are the same. Either they support the step mom or they don’t.). The ones that feel guilty for the divorce (even if it wasn’t their choice) and “leaving” the kids, usually are the dads that don’t support the step mom and without that, SM will never win over the kids. With that said, sometimes it doesn’t matter what either parent does for them or how much they give their love to them, a stepchild is just like a bio child……. Simply A CHILD. If it is in their genetic makeup, their personality to be a liar, disrespectful troublemaker, you’re gonna have a hard time raising them whether you gave birth to them or not.
You said *****”Children react off of your behavior.”**** yes they do sometimes, but not always. Again, if they are dark and evil within, there is not much you can do to change it, or have a good relationship.
I have been with my fiancé for 4 years. I am the 1st long term relationship he had after his separation/divorce. He has 3 children from his previous marriage. The kids were 1, 6, and 12 when we got together. From the time he left their mother did nothing but say bad things about him. She wouldn’t allow him to see the kids but would tell them he didn’t want anything to do with them, they were completely brain washed and believed every word she said. When we got together he was not able to see the kids and that continued for another 9 mo. So no, at the time I knew about the kids but I didn’t know how crazy his ex was. It was his business so i stayed out of it. If things would have been the way they are now I would have ran. We had a great relationship, I got pregnant but that was ok. We were happy. I truly had a wonderful relationship with the girls the 1st yr they were around us. Despite their mother filling the kids heads with bs everything was great but not always good with the 12 yr old boy bc he believed every word his mother said. The girls have been told repeatedly that it hurts their moms feelings to see them hug me,talk to me or to see that they like me in front of her. She would get upset if they talked about me or if they told her they liked me. We thought in time they would see things for themselves and all the lies she has told them BUT it hasn’t. To this day their father and I cannot do right. She lost their home bc she didn’t feel like making payments, told the kids they would have to live in the car bc of their dad leaving, quit her job of 14 yrs bc she thought she would get more child support, (went out all the time & was upfront about it to the kids but they thought she meant bday party not at a bar party)and then lost their vehicle. For 3 wks they lived w/o electric & gas bc she thought she was getting evicted. She has also started utility accts in my fiances name bc she couldn’t get her own. We have a house, both have vehicles, provide anything and everything they need so why are we soo bad?? We can never do right! We only have disagreements about the kids behavior & their mom but its enough to stop me from saying I do. There are times I shut myself off and stay in my room bc I don’t want to be around them. I can’t stand the talking back & ignoring me. Their mother constantly emails my fiancé telling him how much the kids hate coming over here and how they can’t stand me. For a while we have suspected the 10 yr old goes back and forth telling her mom things bc she knows its what her mom wants to here even though it might be a lie. How am I suppose to want to be around them if they make me out to be such a bad person and say bad things about me?
This could be my story except I have no kids of my own and no stepson, but relate totally to the brainwashing and blaming. The girls both know that I’d the act like the young women they are there will be no problems. I went into it realizing I would never be their mother and they would never relate to me other than like an ATM.
Just curious…are you a stepmom?
I have been with my partner for Four years now, we have had a turbulent relationship, and sadly I find myself unable to open up to him in ways I should. He has a 9year old son who has a lot of issues as his mother put him into care when he was a baby. My partner has full custody of the child so I am around his son every minute of every day. For so long I felt I was abnormal for not being able to love his son. Sometimes his son just irritates me and I find myself depressed during the day and happy when its finally his bed time. I have really tried to open up to my partner about it, but he does not understand, he blames me. I do try and make an effort with his son, I take him to parks, swimming, fun-fares and often buy him gifts to compensate for the way I feel towards him. He is often quite cocky and rude to me, this behaviour has improved over the years. I often find it frustrating not being able to snap at the child the same way his dad does, simply because I am always reminded I have not got the right. Im always in battle with my conflicting emotions, sometimes I try to like him (but our bonding time together often feels contrived) and other times he irritates the hell out of me and I start to realise that i do not love him and I may never love him. I really do love my partner and one day in the future I would like to have children with him, however his son creates anxiety around this dream of mine. My partners son is consumed with jealousy whenever he is around babies or younger children, when he is around babies his whole persona changes, he becomes rigid as if he is consumed with hostility. I have often caught him doing spiteful things to babies behind adults backs, like once he threw a ball at my friends 2yr old daughters head. It worries me, because I know that if I was to have a child, although my partners son would be the step brother to my child, I would not trust him around MY baby. I tried telling my partner about my concerns regarding his sons strange behaviour around babies but he said I was the one in the wrong. He became offended and said I had no right and his son was normal. His son is not normal, all of my friends often say he comes across rude when they meet him and he is spiteful to their babies. I just feel like i’m step mum to a devil child at times, or maybe i’m the horrible one for not being capable of loving him.
Do you know what kind of life you are creating for a child if you don’t love them and you’re marrying their parent?! Under NO circumstances should anyone marry someone with children if they don’t love the kids! And anyone that knows their spouse doesn’t love their child and marries any way doesn’t love their child to begin with. You cannot be in love with someone if you don’t love their kids. Its just not possible if they are a fit and involved parent. I’ve gone through a lifetime of a stepparent who doesn’t love me and I would never subject a child to it. It is a horrible, sick, selfish thing to do to a child and you certainly should NOT be advocating it.
Sasha your comment is exactly why this is a taboo topic. It sounds like you had a bad experience with your stepparent. I am in no way advocating that if you don’t like your stepkids, you let it be known to the child/children. My point is that if you don’t love the kids right away or if you don’t love them like they’re your own, you are not defective as a person. I believe in love at first sight (like the first time you look at your baby) and I believe that love can develop over time (like in the case of stepchildren).
Conversely, some stepchildren make it known QUITE LOUDLY that they hate/dislike their stepmother. The stepmother may be showering her stepchild with love, only to have it rejected time and time again. In that case, would you say that the couple shouldn’t get married because the child doesn’t like the stepparent?
I would say YES, if the child does NOT like the stepparent do NOT get married. It will only get a lot worse. Maybe you don’t have to love the step kids but you have to at least like them and both have to have a mutual respect for each other..if not the marriage will be dommed
I’m sorry your step parent was not kind to you. I do not think it is correct that we must love the man’s other children in order to be in a relationship with him. Do we have to love his parents? His siblings? It does not make sense. We can CARE about our skids without having to love them. I *care* about my skid but I do not love him. I do not have the same feeling toward him that I do towards the son I have with my DH. Not even close to being in the same ballpark. I think it would be wrong if I did. *IF* I was to adopt a child, that would be different. I would be their mother.
I agree totally. Except for one thing you mention. You say you can’t be in love with a man if you don’t love their kids. I disagree. I think women WANT to be in love with this particular man…but do not think about loving the kids….I think you CAN love the man and NOT love the kids…BUT again, this type of marriage will NEVER EVER work out. So if you love the man and don’t love or even like the kids…marriage will be doomed and you all will be miserable. I think you all create a fairy tale type of life..thinking AFTER you marry this great man…you will love the kids…NOT going to happen if you don’t like these kids from the get go before the wedding. And I agree, its NOT fair to the kids. They will grow up a hot mess. Drugs, violence, disrespect to you, and disliking the kids you have with their father. Do NOT marry a man if you can’t like or get along with their children….
I don’t believe that you should not get married to someone if you don’t love their child. My husband has very little to do with his son and I”m ok with that. I married my husband not his child and I don’t feel guilty about that. My husband is aware of how I feel and although it has caused resentment and arguments from time to time we get through it. When my husband finds the time to spend with his son he doesn’t alone. I honestly dont’ want any part of it. The holidays are now approaching which gives me anxiety attacks on the thought of us all having to be together at my husband’s mother’s house. It’s not an all day event, and we don’t even pick his kid up or take him home nor does he actually have xmas at our house, I just feel so uncomfortable around him and wish my husband didn’t have a child. I know how hard this is to read and I know how selfish it makes me sound. I just have always had a hard time excepting his child and really don’t even think I will. writing on this blog has helped me cope better when the holidays come around . It’s so nice to vent and I do appreciate everyone listening and giving advice even when you don’t agree on the way I feel.
dont at all feel bad for feeling that way its not yr child understandable.i have a sd i know these feelings of resentment.especially being a woman its even harder as we are the ones who give birth.you dont have to love his child i dont love my sd i care for her but i do not love her like i do my own children and if anyone expected me to love my sd like my own children i carried inside my body and gave birth too to me they are selfish and expect way too much from me.i care for my sd but love i do not feel.
Love is a choice not a feeling, this is why feelings of love are often not instantly there when you first meet or live with your stepchildren, it grows out of actions, time, special moments, bonding, memories and sometimes the very, very small things. Sometimes love does not come at all in the way others expect us to love our stepchildren, but we love them or care for them in our own way and that is okay.
I would predict if you surveyed most Stepmothers there was not instant love for their stepchildren and many may be struggling with it years later, many Stepmothers I know feel incredibly guilty, angry at themselves and even very sad that the love just won’t come sometimes. Those who have very very difficult, aggressive, mean and nasty stepchildren will find it very hard at times to feel loving. But you can care for a child, be kind to a child, create security for a child without necessarily loving that child as if they were your own.
Let’s face it there are biological mothers out there who love their children to bits and there are those that don’t and are hateful and horrid. Personally? I would rather have a Stepmother who was kind and caring, there for me through everything, patient with me who perhaps did not “love” me in a maternal sense over a biological mother who had no time for me, was mean to me, yelled at me, ignored me, criticised me but every day told me how much she loved me. As I said, love is action not feelings. Bravo for writing what many think but don’t say. It’s okay not to love your stepchildren, what is not okay (in my opinion) is to be cruel or unkind to them, there is a difference. I write this from the position of being a Stepdaughter, Daughter, Wife, Stepmother to five and biological Mother to one.
Wow, five step-kids? You are like a saint. Haha! I completely agree with you on everything.
Thank you! This was exactly what I needed to come across. I have spent the last 5-6 months feeling so much anger and guilt. I felt like I must be a monster. Although I can tell my husband doesn’t love my son the way I do it seemed like he might be a typical male. I felt like stepmoms, especially those with kids of there own were programmed to love and nurture their step children… I felt as if I was defective. Now the only difference in my situation is that my husband wants me to claim my step kids as my own. Not only in a social setting, but personally. My step kids have a great biological mother. I think my husband looks over that bc she’s a lousy person to have as an ex wife…
My fiancé and I had been on and off for about 6 years because we got together when we were 16. During one of our lenghtier separations, where we were actually still romantically involved, he had a one night stand that resulted in a little girl. We got back together but it was too much to bare at first so I left for a few month. Just a little history, I have had three miscarriages with him, one while the other girl was pregnant with his daughter. This girl barely knew my fiancé and still really doesn’t but blamed me for him not getting with her. Anyways, my point is that sometimes I feel immense love for his daughter but recently I have just been feeling like our life is perfect without her in the picture. He and I are newly engaged and have had no more breaks ups and have truly matured so much. Our life is everything I ever wanted minus the child. It’s been much harder than I expected and am glad I can finally be honest. He works late and on Sundays so I watch her then and don’t mind but I find myself wanting her to come around less. I feel like a horrible person sometimes and use to always urge him to see her but I am beginning to keep my mouth shut and just let him make his own moves on the matter. Her mother has made empty comment about moving that I am sure were just to get some kind of emotional response put of my fiancé but I really wish she would just pick up and go away. Selfish, I know but I just want the life we dreamed of. it’s a it deeper than this. Her mom is an illegal immigrant who didn’t graduate and can only find fast food jobs that she can’t hold. I would much rather just have custody. It’s hard trying to raise her with our morals, the attention and family life we want to provide when we have her so little. We read to her, play with her, take her to the park and really provide a good foundation for her (she is 2). Her mom loves her but doesn’t spend the quality time and learning time she should with her that even the babysitter is concerned that she still isn’t speaking much. I think the problem is just that I don’t want to overstep boundaries but I also want what is best. I should correct myself and say that her mom could just go and leave us with custody. I suppose I just hold having a child in such high regard since I haven’t been blessed with my own.
Nice to find this blog. I’m feeling particularly selfish and bad today after Christmas. I’ve been with my fiancee for just over 2 years. He’s got 2 kids–a girl, 18, attending University about an hour away, and a son, 16, who lives with his mom. We don’t see the kids very often, about every 6 weeks or so. I have no kids of my own, and have never been interested in having children. To be honest, I don’t like children, any children, much at all. I tolerate the SKs–they are, for the most part, good kids, and his daughter in particular is very responsible–but I don’t like them, nor like spending time with them. I just can’t relate to them at all. Last Father’s Day, they didn’t even give him a card and I don’t think they called, which bothered me a lot. This year for Xmas, they handed him (us?) a single gift wrapped present that might be a plate (we haven’t opened it yet). I know Christmas isn’t about “stuff”, but a gift wrapped plate doesn’t even show effort or thought. Both kids work, and likely have more disposable income and time than we do. His daughter will be studying abroad next year, and he’s talking about going there for next Christmas. I dread the thought of even traveling that time a year, let alone spending the entire time being uncomfortable, as I would be. There was discussion over Christmas dinner about whether the daughter would be home next Christmas, and she commented on how it would all depend on if she could afford it. Yet on Thursday when we took them out for dinner, she was talking about spending spring break in Brazil. I don’t know if it’s because when I was in school, I had to make choices between text books and good food, but I can’t help but get a little pissed off that she can contemplate going to Brazil for springbreak, but expects family to pay for her to come home at Christmas next year.
His son is very lazy and unmotivated, and has been known to lie to his dad, qualities I don’t like in anyone. I know though, that’s it’s pretty typical for a teenage boy. Still, it doesn’t make me want to spend time with him.
In the grand scheme of things, I’m pretty fortunate–we live in a small 1 bedroom apartment, so the kids don’t visit with us there (we take them out for dinner, or he takes them sailing when he spends time with them). I don’t have kids of my own that we are trying to blend. They don’t do anything to antagonize me, or cause me difficulty. I just simply don’t like being around them, and get even more upset when they don’t seem to show appreciation to their father (he does try to be a good Dad, and I encourage him to see them often, without me.lol).
Anyhow, there’s my post-Christmas rant. Now I’ll cross my fingers and hope I’m not expected to do much else with them over the next few days. (I never, ever say anything about my feelings when it comes to the kids to their dad. I’m sure things like not having father’s day acknowledged are hurtful enough for him, without the added bother of listening to the woman you love criticize the kids you adore, so I just keep all of this to myself).
Thanks for letting me get it out.
What are your plans when these two kids have kids of their own and your husband NOW will have grandkids…???? Did ya give that much thought when you married him??? Knowing you did NOT like kids. Why not pick and fall in love with a man who had NO kids??? I just read these posts and can’t understand why all these women who don’t like the kids around even think of marrying these men????..Are you all delusional into thinkings its going to one great happy family..OMG..haha
Terry,
Can I ask why you’re even on this site? Is it just to judge and condemn?
You’re only stating the obvious. yes many if us shouldn’t have married men with kids, but for various reasons we did. But what’s done is done and this site is here to help make these situations better or at least keep us from going absolutely crazy. There’s enough condemnation about stepmothers, we don’t it from you. Either try to be helpful or find another board. Stepparenting is hard enough
I cannot believe this!! I want to thank you so much for posting this, this whole time I thought something was wrong with me for not loving my husbands children. He has three and all from different moms he is only in the life of his 3 yr old daughter . I hate the fact that he has to talk to the babys mother it bothers me soo much. When he brings her around I get these weird feelings, many different emotions that I just cant explain. But I just dont understand why if I love babies! When she comes over ofcourse I treat her like part of my family I bathe her feed her dress her the whole nine. But inside theres always that weird feeling ugh I dont understand she even calls me mom!!! Am I a monster???! Every time I look at her a picture my husband with her mother and it makes me angry, someone please help.? I dont have any children of my own for the fact that I believe im not ready to have a little life depend on me. There is still a
lot to do out there explore new things and I believe a baby will not allow it. Sometimes I say to myself, ” shes not my kid, why should I worry about her..?” Or change my plans because she’s coming over? I have never said any of this to anyone I always kept it to myself. Although everyone around us admires me for being there for the baby and taking care of her. I am soo confused at times everything is goin good and out of no where these thoughts pop in my head all over again. I was always told that if you love your husband you should love his children because they are a part of him. But I dont believe that is true. Well thanks againg for posting this and allowing me to express my self about this for once. . .
OH I forgot to mention, my father remarried when I was 10yrs old and the woman that he chose is an incredibly awsome human being. I always lived with my mother in a different state as them. But would go visit on summer vacations, she was awalys there for my brother and I always worried for us feeding us. Untill this day she calls me every birth day, xmas, new years etc.. And I am now 21. Truly love her and I know she loves me. Honestly
believe if it werent for her my dad would of never tried to contact us. I have two step brother n sister I love them with all of my heart. There fore I get confused even more so if I have an awsome stepmom, Why cant I be one??? Ive had nothing but pretty experiences with her all good memories..
This is jst so weird and confusing maybe I didnt want to follow the same steps and thought I could hav my children w one man which would be his first children also and we would live happily ever after?? And since I chose different im secretly regreting????? Glad there is women out there that understand
(I realize this reply is very late; I have only just found this blog.) Brenda, if you have a great relationship with your stepmother, I would suggest you talk to her about your feelings about being a stepmom yourself. Although your relationship with her is very different than your relationship with your stepdaughter, she will most likely understand where you’re coming from and be able to support you without judging you.
I started out with liking my Skids alot! I have not been able to stand them being in the same room as me since I became a stay at home mom. My one Skid has Aspergers and ADHD and he makes me want to hang myself at times! The other is 5 and does nothing but cry, give attitude, and throw tantrums! I ended up having a bio child and it just makes me resent the other two more. I feel my DH spends more time and gives more attention to his first kids. The oldest are in school so they have to go to sleep early so they go to bed early, and complain that the baby gets to stay up late when he sleeps till 10 AM when they don’t wake him up! Mind you we have full custody of all three kids! I hate staying home and wish I could work! I love my husband to death but his kids drive me crazy! I am glad to see I am not alone in this!
I cannot believe it when I hear skids are permitted to sass their parents (including step parents) in that fashion. They should have consequences for whining/disrespect etc. You make the rules, based on age/ability. It would make me very angry if they were commenting on how I parent my ACTUAL child! It’s none of their business, IMO.
My stomach turns as I write this next post…….these are my fears and my nerves are at an all time high and need some support. I’m finally thinking of having children of my own, but want to vomit at the thought of my husbands family making comments that our child we created together looks like his son…..I vomit at the thought of his son holding our child and wanting to spend time with our child, my stomach turns at the thought of his son showing up at birthday parties and his family wanting a picture of the siblings. From my previous posts you can see that my husband see’s his child about 10 times a year (maybe) and I really have nothing to do with him. I’m very scared that when we start our own family the fear I have listed above will start to happen. I seriously can’t stand the thought of it. 80% of the time my husband and I are at family events his family brings his child to them. My husband doesn’t take the time to do it, his family does. I’m just scared that his family is going to bring his son around when a baby is born and make it all into something it’s not. We are not a family and will never be a family, and when we have our own child that will be my family, never his child. I really again am so thankful that I’ve found this blog, becuase I can’t talk to many people about the way I feel. Only my closest friends know that my husband had a child. I don’t tell anyone becuase it makes me sick.
Do not let the fact you have a skid alter your plans to have children of your own. One thing I have decided is that I cannot and will not determine what sort of relationship my son and my skid make with each other. They actually play together despite the big age gap, which makes me smile. Me and DH’s son absolutely adores his big (half) brother and I would say, the feeling is mutual. I hope they will be there for each other when they grow up, too. I had many fears when I was pregnant, as well. One thing: you get to choose who is present when you give birth. I made sure my skid was nowhere near me as he makes EVERYTHING about him and it drives me nuts!
What a bunch of jealous, selfish women. You do NOT have to love your step kids…But did you think your hubby would just trash his kids because he met YOU…Are you all that???? His kids will ALWAYS come first and you better get used to it. If you have a child with this man it WILL be his others childs HALF brother or sister…Get used to THAT as well. How immature you are. You are dreading this child TOUCHING your kid or being in a picture with him??? GROW up…Please do NOT have a kid with this man…His son does NOT deserve this.
Terry, it’s comments like this that keep women like Lulu silent. It’s much more constructive to ask questions to see why she feels the way she does and offer suggestions to help her overcome her anxiety.
I don’t think any of the women on here think that their husbands would “trash his kids” for them. In fact, I think many of them wouldn’t respect a man that did that. However, i do believe that stepparents should be treated with respect by their stepchildren. If the stepchildren are openly hostile and rude, the biological parent needs to put an end to it immediately. Spouses are married to one another, NOT to their children. WIthout a solid marriage, the children have no foundation. And if the children have to much power in the relationship, all Hell can break loose.
Yes, I agree. Step kids should NEVER be rude to the step parents and it is the responsibility of the bio parent to STOP that. BUT, if step parents can NOT even like their step kids and don’t even want them around do you not think the kids KNOW this and will act accordingly? And I also think that before marriage if the step kids are acting up….do NOT marry this person…There will be problems and misery. These step kids are not going to change. But these women seem to love their men and refuse to see the big picture with these brats. Most of the time is the ex wife who causes the kids to act like this. The ex is jealous and upset that their ex husband remarried. They get the loyalty of their kids and talk terrible about the new wife. I still say RUN….if it looks like the step kids will be problems. Its not worth the heartache…They think if they have a child of their own it will change…and their husband will love THEIR kid more than the step kids. Won’t happen. I have been a bio mom and a step mom..and for me the step kids were great..ONLY because their mother died and they never really knew her as babies AND my husband was VERY supportive and just let me be mom to them anyway I chose. I raised my step kids since both were in diapers. BIG difference because bio mom never was around before she died. She just left her babies never to return. I see my sister with step kids and an ex wife from hell and its a nightmare. The only reason this has not broken up her marriage…yes they have one child together is that the husband is VERY supportive and always takes his wife side…knowing his kids who are now almost adults are disrespecful and slaps them silly everytime they mouth off and even PUSH my sister…My sister also has smacked them as well…One ran back to her drug addicted mother and the other is now towing the line knowing she is next to get kicked out of the home. Husband support is KEY here and this is the person who MUST back up his wife…Most men will not do this sadly and the step kids run wild. I won’t ever be with a man who has kids again. Not even grown up ones.
Terry, I seriously doubt these are “jealous, selfish women.” They are quite the opposite if they are even considering helping and taking on someone else’s child. That is no easy task. It’s a selfLESS gesture at a minimum. Your lecture to “get used to THAT…GROW up,” etc is the most mean-spirited advice out there. Lulu is going through the same exact issues and feelings that most new stepmoms go through. It’s a whole new, and foreign world to walk in to and the new problems and feelings are all very normal. The negative feelings eventually subside as the new stepmom gets used to the whole idea. But at first, it’s completely overwhelming and there are many conflicting emotions going on.
I will bow out of this thread. I would be long gone. No way would I deal with the step child from hell or the ex wife from hell. Not worth it to my sanity and health. Why women subject themselves to this I can not answer…I know the answer deep inside…but I will keep those comments to myself. I have been a step mother and I have raised step sons. Again, the mother was long gone and died and my step sons…rather sons never even knew her. I also had a very supported husband who gave me free reign to raise them any way I saw fit…I might add I was a whopping 18 years old at the time…We had two more kids for a total of 4…….Step is not mentioned in my family…I love my step sons but NO, not as my biological ones. Just human nature…They are all in their 30’s now and we are all very close. After my husband passed away..I got with a man who had one young daughter and a very CRAZY mother. After about 1 year of this mess…I was gone..Let someone woman try to fix that mess…Maybe they can one day come here and vent their feelings…and just stay in the mess they are in….This is my last post……on this subject. Peace to you all…
You want to vomit at the thought of your husband’s son holding and wanting to spend time with his half brother? That’s awfully cruel – his son is a human being too. And like it or not, your child will be connected by blood to your husband’s son. Have some compassion and empathy. For the most part I’ve read the other posts in this blog and I feel for the women in these situations, but I’ve read all your replies and you seem to have serious issues. If it really bothers you that much, you should go to therapy. You said in one response ” I just always pictures myself with a loving man who only had me in his life.” Well guess what? You aren’t. He has a son, and while he may not be in his son’s life a LOT, he still does have a son and he has to be a parent to him. You have no right to deprive a child of his parent. And you keep wishing he goes off to the military – what will happen if he goes off and gets killed? Guess you’ll finally have your ultimate wish, to be with a man who only has you in his life. I wanted to vomit reading this post.
I am 49, never had kids and have no interest in them and even find them annoying. 6mo ago I fell in love with a man my age who has a 5yr old daughter who’s mother died when she was about 1.
At first I was curious, she seemed sweet and having her hold my hand on walks and sit on my lap was so new to me it didn’t bother me much. (I even liked it) I stood up for her when I thought he was to strict, fixed her room up girlie for her etc. I also only saw them on weekends and many times him alone without her.
I have been living here with them for about 3mo to see how it is really. I came from 3500 miles away for the summer and decided to do this before going home, no time like the present right?
Somehow it isn’t working for me, playing mommy saps my energy, makes me aggravated and kills my sex interest. I feel like an ass of course. Here is a homemade family that needs me and all I want to do is run. I’ve been thinking, how can I be good here when I don’t love this child, how could this get better. I will probably choose to leave and that sucks but there it is.
The man btw is the sweetest ever. 😦
I can understand what you’re saying actually…..I felt the same about my SD when I first met her. I saw her every other weekend & usually for only about 1.5 days…some times the entire weekend. It was new to me & she was super cute & sweet & we got to act like family & do fun kid stuff. It was lots of fun. And when we moved in together, is when I realized the responsibility I took on as a step-parent. One that I am not sure I’d repeat again if my marriage failed. In fact I’m pretty sure I would avoid men with children. It’s a lot of work. And I am also a person who never liked kids very much so I don’t find a lot of things endearing. They’re quite annoying in most respects. Totally selfish & clingy.
I went from living on my own for 6 years to sharing a living space not only with a man but a child. One that is not my own. I am not as tolerant & have as much patience as my husband – but as well all know – its not the same when a kid isn’t yours. There is a reason the saying that goes ‘the kids get to go home with their parents at the end of the night’ exist – because a lot of people just don’t have the patience to deal with someone else’s kid. And I act like the ‘mom’ in the house so I do a lot of things for my SD & I don’t think I’m appreciated in the way she appreciates her dad or mom & so it makes the things I do some times feel very thankless.
Step-parenting is NOT easy. It’s quite difficult with a lot of up/down emotions about it all. There are times I love her & happy to see her & then the next day I’m annoyed, cranky & just counting down the hours.
It’s all very normal. And Leigh, if you feel like you need to not be in the relationship – do it. I got pregnant right before I moved in with my now husband so I didn’t really have a choice to ‘test the waters’ so I just lived the life that I fell into. But if I had more chance to see what it’d be like, I’m not sure I’d be married today. it’s just a LOT of effort. Some times effort I just do NOT want to have to make. But my husband is awesome & he’s very well worth it. I vent to my girlfriends often & they are very supportive & understand me very well. It helps to be able to vent about the shitty situations because we’re step-parents.
I’m so glad to find a site like this. I am not a stepmom yet, but because I am resenting my BF’s DD, he doesn’t know if we should be together. Whenever we get into arguements, he always brings up the fact that I don’t love his daughter and that I resent her and why would he want to be with someone who doesn’t love his daughter. I try to explain that his behaviors in coddling her and giving into his ex and taking her whenever the ex wants, regardless of our plans is partly to blame. It also doesn’t help that she has tantrums and attention seeking behavior when me and my kids are arround. BF admits that DD is a completely different person when we are around. Perhaps if she was as good and well behaved when we are there, I could grow to love her one day. I just hate that my BF thinks he may not want to continue our relationship if I don’t automatically love his DD as he loves my 2 kids. I keep thinking that she will outgrow the behaviors, but they are only geting worse and causing us to fight more about the dynamics between or kids and he wonders why the resentment gets worse as the days go on. I hope someday to move past this and love her, but right now I don’t. I feel like she is destroying my relationship with my BF and it is not fair. The sad part is that DD’s BM had custody for the first 9 months we were together, so we built a life between us and my kids and it was great. Then DD came back into our lives and BF began insulting me and my kids and how my kids being younger would impact his DD and how he didn’t want DD whining and acting like a baby. My kids act better than DD now, and all we do is fight. I try to be fair to all the kids, byt BF is fixated on me not LOVING his DD. Thanks for letting me know that it is OK that I don’t…even if BF doesn’t see it that way. Thanks for letting me vent!
Oh to find people in my shoes!!! Confusedmama, you’re kinda right up my alley. We have a mixed bag of sorts….my fiance has two children, one bio one not. Their mom passed (they had split up prior to the passing, she left him for a woman – another story). Anyway the son is 12 and not his, the daughter is 9 and his. The son doesn’t know that he’s not his (again another story). I have a three year old, she’s with me full time, every other weekend goes to her dad’s. His kids go to their maternal grandparent’s house every other so we have kid free time.
We had a whirlwind, falling in love and moving in together not long after meeting, I was meant to be with him. And then the reality of his children sunk in. I feel HORRIBLE but my god, they are dirty (greasy hair, don’t brush their teeth, wear the same things day in and day out until he forces them to change) their rooms are disgusting, their eating habits are disgusting, no manners. They don’t do well in school, they don’t have any extracurricular activities, I am a monster, but I don’t see any redeeming qualities about them. Top this off with losing their mom years ago and I’m a true witch. Now most people deep down can say to themselves that they can’t love sk like their own. I don’t want to love them, I want to be able to stand them. I LOVE summers cause they go to the grandparents cottage and we only see them every other weekend.
Next issue, he loves my daugther and loves to do things with her and interacts with her, and then makes me feel bad because I don’t do the same for his. There is a differential in the way he treats his own kids, the boy who is not his gets punished and the girl can do everything. She’s lying and manipulative and gets his son in trouble, half the time without him doing anything. I tried….I really did when we started, but now I just keep my daughter far away from them. I don’t need her growing up and acting like them, I don’t need her thinking that vegtables are disgusting and not good, I don’t need her thinking that it’s okay to not be clean, it’s okay to not be tidy and to not clean up after herself. I don’t need someone teaching her that lying is okay, or that being rude is the way of life. I’m sure all of this will come on it’s own one day and I hope to nip it in the bud.
I’m seriously starting to question getting married to this man and I feel cheated because the man I love, the one I was meant to be with, has these monsters. I wish that their mom was still around, lol probably a new set of problems, but I feel it would be a bit easier that way.
I am a horrible person. I’m sorry that this probably sounds like poor me whining, but my god they’re awful. My friends won’t come to the house if they are there and my own mother who loves everyone can’t stand them. ACK!!! How does everyone do it? Having my own kid it’s like people expect me to be Mary Poppins and create a family. People ask him why I don’t watch his children…ummmm I’m not their babysitter or their mother…I would never ask him to watch my 3 year old, not his job, not his responsibility. Maybe my thought patterns are cracked but I need something, and fast, so that I could potentially be with the one I love.
He insults YOUR kids and you are thinking of marrying this man???? And yes, his daughter will always be number one in his life. So many females on here are just not getting this and expect to be the CENTER of the mans world minus the mans kids…haha. Won’t happen.
If you are not the center of your husband’s world then something is seriously wrong. Several years ago, I heard a pastor say that the hierarchy of important relationships in your life should be God, Spouse and then Children. It didn’t make sense to me because I always chose my children over my spouse (and at that point, was newly divorced). It made more sense as it was explained to me and I started to live it. Without the solid foundation of spouses loving and honoring each other, the kids don’t stand a chance. Too many time parents give the children way to much power in the marriage. That always ends in disaster.
What a selfish self serving immature load of crap. You chose the whole person you fell in love with. You don’t get to pick and choose. DO the world a favor and start acting like ADULTS that actually had a CHOICE in the matter and stop taking CHILDREN hostage with your hate. Let’s think about maybe staying the HELL AWAY FROM A MAN WITH CHILDREN TO RAISE.
My mom died when I was a young teenager. My whore of a father couldn’t even wait six months before he was chasing a whore of a woman down the street. The day after my brother graduated from high school he pressured him into joining the military so he could get rid of him. He was married to that whore a month later. He and HER did the same to me as soon as I graduated. To hell with all you selfish manipulative sneaky sluts all acting like you are the VICTIMS and feeling sorry for yourselves. You are the scum of the earth. I hope you all have miserable lives and die unloved.
Wow.
Normally I wouldn’t approve a comment like this, but in this case I think it’s a perfect example of how misplaced anger towards a father is taken out on the stepmother.
Even though you wish all stepmothers (“whores and sluts”) a miserable life without love—WE wish you the best and hope that you resolve your anger towards your father and stepmother so that you can live a fufilled life of happiness.
Best wishes to you.
Thank you for this comment. This blog is wonderful, I am glad I am not the only one. I never thought it was “normal” to love a step-child. I do have a 9 year old step-daughter and I do not love her. I do not feel it is my place to, because she has her mother in her life and I did not raise her since she was a baby.
I do however care about her well being and happiness, just as I would care about any child, and that is because I am a compassionate person. I do not feel I need to love her in a maternal way to provide her with security, a good home and upbringing, etc.
I do think that despite the lack of love for their step-children however, step-parents should make an effort to create a relationship of mutual respect and appreciation with the child, so as to make their lives easier and their relationship with their spouse thrive.
It is not healthy to let oneself grow resentment towards a child, however bratty that child may be. Raising/guiding a child as a step-parent is difficult, but it is important to agree with the father on disciplining the child together, as a team, to make sure that child’s bad behavior is fixed. Watch Super Nanny for tips. No one should expect you to love the step-child, but please be more tolerant of him/her… after all, it is not their fault they were brought into this world in a dysfunctional divorced family.
Wow… I’d like to offer an extremely heart-felt suggestion on behalf of the rest of the world, or at least people you might have to come in contact with: Please, PLEASE, get therapy. You are obviously very hurt from issues from when you were a teenager, and (assuming you are actually an adult now, based on your comment I can’t guarantee that) you haven’t gotten over losing your mother and feeling abandoned by your father.
I hope you are able to get over your obvious issues at some point and learn what real love is. I’m sorry you feel so betrayed by your father and that you were replaced in his life by your stepmother, I really am. I truly feel sorry for you to have such anger and hatred in your heart. It won’t be until you deal with those feelings that you will be able to feel real love yourself.
As for your comment that “we” are all “selfish manipulative sneaky sluts” acting like we are “VICTIMS” who feel sorry for ourselves, please take a close look at your attitude. YOU are the one feeling sorry for yourself. WE (meaning, stepmoms) chose to marry a man with children. WE were able to love someone who came as a package deal. WE more than likely did NOT break up anyone’s marriage. WE are able to love. WE are able to forgive. WHO exactly is the victim? Seems to me it is the one calling her own father and the woman he married (after he was WIDOWED – you don’t say that he cheated on your mother, just that she died and THEN he remarried) – whores.
Because I am a mature adult capable of forgiveness and love, I choose to wish you a happy life and the ability to actually LOVE someone other than yourself someday. I also hope that you choose to love someone who doesn’t already have children, because I would hate to see more innocent people exposed to such hatred as yours. Best wishes.
Wow, Jen. It must have been very hurtful to see your father chase after a woman so soon after you own mother died. I would be so angry, as well and very resentful. And it might be possible that the woman who became your stepmother resented and hated you as you suggest.
But just because a woman doesn’t love her stepchildren doesn’t mean she doesn’t treat them with respect and care. Just like most teachers, stepmothers help care for and raise children who are not their own and they do their very best to make that child feel appreciated. I’m sorry if you weren’t treated kindly, but not all stepmothers are like that. Love is not required to treat children well.
“Love is not required to treat children well” rings so true. My bio mom didn’t treat me very well or care for me as a mother should. She always thought about herself first & me last. She was her own motive in life. Even with my trials & tribulations & uncertainty as a step-mother, I can say I’ve been giving my SD a better more stable, safe home than my own mother did.
Jen, you do have a lot of anger & I think you are misplacing your anger. It’s not all step mothers….we are all one & different. Being a step parent is not an easy job. It has its ups & downs & just because we vent our frustrations & feelings does not mean we treat the kid(s) like shit. In fact I believe (like me) a lot of us mask our true feelings to protect the children & make them feel wanted anyway. This is supposed to be a ‘safe’ place to come & vent & discuss & share our ups & downs with people who understand us.
There are a lot of bio parents who have a lot of ups & downs with their own bio children that I am sure if they were to be candid about their feelings/thoughts – it would not be that different from our feelings/thoughts. We as step parents are NOT required to love our stepchildren just as they are NOT required to love us. We are only required to love the man we married & to respect & care about his children. In exception to those of you who have step kids that are just awful towards you – then you do NOT need to show respect back that is not received & you are not required to be a doormat because it’s your husband’s children. I also believe that us wives are just as important in our husband’s lives as their kids. I don’t see why we should be second best & have to take any of the BS because its his kid. We hold tremendous importance in our husbands lives as well. Blood does not = Family. My husband always expresses to his daughter that we are equally important, he’s equally lucky to have BOTH of us in his lives & that he loves us EQUALLY – albeit in different ways. And that’s how it should be!!!
First off I had no idea my now husband had children till I was already in love with him, so im a whore and a slut?.. Mmm I dont think so and I dnt hate the kids I just can’t love them. Sad you blame all of us here because of what your father did . well I wish you the BEST!
Wow, I can see why step mommy had NO love for you. You are the demon seed step child everyone is talking about. Take a look at yourself and figure out why you are not loveable???? Take out your anger on your daddy sweatie…that is who you are so mad at…Jealous that daddy wanted to find a woman after your mom died….You are also very angry for mom dying and leaving you…Stop blaming everyone else for your unhappiness and bitterness. Its shows honey…
My favorite line in this entire article was “Are they expected to love you like they love their mom?” Many people are very hypocritical about this whole thing. SMs are expected to love their skids unconditionally like they are their own children. They are expected to make the same sacrifices, the same concessions, the same everything. Yet they are constantly told “You are not their mother” “Stop trying to be their mother” How can you ask a SM to love her skids as if she was their mother and then slap her in the face for acting like their mother? In my personal opinion, as long as the SM cares about their skids, treats them well and understands that they are a part of the package and a part of their husbands life then they are doing just fine.
Thank you for this comment… I’m RealAudio struggling and you’ve put something’s straight in my head
Yeah – I don’t believe step parents should be expected to love their step kids. Nor should step kids have to love their step parent. It’s a feeling you either have or you don’t. It cannot be forced. You choose your husband, not his kids.
I feel like “Jen” might suffer from some major “daddy” issues. Very sad and she probably should talk to someone and if she joined the military, I wouldn’t let her near any guns 🙂
I love this post. I tried everything that I could think of to have a good relationship with my SD, all of my efforts have gone unappreciated and have been twisted into something negative. I finally realized that I can’t be the only one to put forth effort. I do love her, but I’ve come to truly dislike the cold hearted person that she has become and I most certainly do not love her in the same way that I love my own two bio kids. At the same time, I do feel horrendously guilty about this because it’s not what I wanted, it’s not how DH and I had planned it to be. The thing about a blended family is that there are outside factors (my ex, DH’s ex, their spouses) that can really affect your home, both positively or negatively. My ex and his wife work really hard along side me and my DH to keep things positive and healthy for my kids. On the other hand, DH’s ex, does everything in her power to alienate us and create contention with SD. I’ve come to accept that I can’t control her or the fact that SD believes every horrendous thing BM says about her dad and I. I’ve accepted that for now, it is what it is (we’ve been 100% alienated for the last 1 1/2 years) and that hopefully someday SD will look back and see things for what they really are.
Jen, I don’t feel like I’m a victim. I know that I have made mistakes along the way, we all do, but I can honestly say that I have given it my all and that my intentions have always been pure and good hearted, SD and her BM, can not say the same. It is very frustrating that society so easily believes the whole Cinderella/wicked stepmom syndrome. We are real people too and deserve to be treated with respect as well. Blended families are tough, there are so many dynamics and outside factors involved that make every situation unique. It’s nice to find a blog where honesty is accepted 🙂
This blog has been a little refreshing. I have a stepson who was abused by his mother and stepfather and almost died. My now husband and I were just dating when it happened so he went to live with my husband’s mother who didn’t make the situation better. She thought because he was abused that pushing him to do anything would be a detriment to his psyche, well he didn’t feel he had to do anything for himself or that he had to do anything in school. Fast forward 2 years and me and his dad get married, I always told my husband I had reservations about being a stepmother to him because he was kind of a “bad” child before the incident that i really thought he would be a challenge to deal with. I have a child from a previous relationship that my husband bonded with pretty quickly and I felt bad that when his son came to visit I was so happy when it was time for him to go home. So now I’m married and my husband enlists in the Navy, I find out I’m pregnant and we moved far from home and combine all the kids under one roof. I am now dealing with a child who has mommy issues and hates if I tell him he has tobac do anything he doesn’t want to and when I talk to him stares at me as if I’m speaking greek, I have an infant and a husband that is never home. I really feel overwhelmed and to top it off like I feel bad because I hate being around his son and there is nothing I can do about it that isn’t going to cause alot of friction. I feel like my husband does nothing with his child but expects me to do everything and gets mad if I mention it because he says I don’t spend anytime with him either. I hate being a prisoner to making sure he is a productive part of society because I married his father, i wish all the time I could go back to life without him in my house, I was less stressed and happy.
I haven’t liked my stepdaughter since she was 3 and I was only dating her father. She has always been an ill-mannered brat. She is 8 now and I have been married to her father for 3 years. Sometimes her and I get along, but mostly, I get annoyed just knowing she is coming home from school soon. She was raised by three people – her drunken mother (only once in a blue moon), her father, and her grandparents. She has had NO stability in her life – so I cut her some slack in the beginning and just tried raising her with manners and morals and whatnot. Her and her mother recently “bonded” so all of a sudden, the kid treats me like crap, as much as an 8 year old can. She is completely disrespectful and consistently goes behind my back to get her father to say YES to something I said NO to… Anyway, long story short, I have finally come to terms with myself; I realized I just don’t love her. I care about her as a human being, but it stops there. I have tried for 5 years and I just feel like giving up. My husband knows how I feel about her and he doesn’t say anything — sometimes I think he is a spineless twit. But that aside, I am so glad I found this page because I would NEVER admit this to anyone in real life. I put on a show in front of even my best friends, and it is tiring. I can’t wait until she is 18 and moved out.
Hello, I am also glad I found this page and your post. Your post really reflects how I feel. I have been feeling guilty because I am a nice person and I try to live a good life but how much abuse is a person supposed to take. I too put on a show for others,for my husband, my in laws, the general public. I have been trying for 4 years to cultivate a relationship with this child. The mother constantly undermines my attempts. The mother has periods of time where she stops allowing her to come for court ordered weekend visits. She has started allowing her to come again. I cringe at the thought of her visiting. My husband is usually at work so he does not have to endure her bratty behavior. He himself seems to avoid the child because he is older, the child is disrespectful to him as well and she has no social skills. She says she has a plan to get rid of me. That’s scary and I dont know what to do without causing problems in my marriage. The BIOMOM would love that. I cant tell anyone. so again. I can relate to the way you feel. Had I know it would be this way…it would have been a deal breaker. We have been married for almost 4 years.
I feel your pain. Husband and I have been married for 14 years. He has 2 daughters from his previous marriage. I met them when they were 5 and 7. At first I was thrilled at the prospect of being the other adult female in their lives. I was right by my husband’s side while we went through the child support payments every month, and all the while the mother saying we don’t pay enough since MY salary should go into the equation. I was supportive when she took husband back to court for more money, failed to let him have his weekend visitation, and all the while told the girls we were awful people who only care about money. It wasn’t long that the girls became absoutely hateful when I picked them up for their weekend visits. They weren’t really hateful to me because I told them early on that I wasn’t there to become their mom, since they already had one. But boy, did they treat their father like crap! We took them on trips, paid for their back to school clothes, their entertainment, their school supplies, their medical visits (which occur at the insistance of their mother for EVERY BRUISE and SNIFFLE), and took them for every summer – for years. My husband worked nights at the time, so it was up to me to pick them up, entertain them, and drop them off to their (horrid) mother. Frankly, my husband is really a lax father due to his guilt at not seeing them daily. He kind of has this idealized image of this “new” blended family, and left all the details to me. When they were here for their visits, he rarely interacted with them, preferring to watch TV. He did things with them only at my insistence, because that’s how HIS father did things. The mother wants to be the best friend, so when the girls told her they wanted to live with us, she told them if they stay with her, they can have every “free” animal in the paper. Of course, they stayed with her. They ended up with 8 dogs and 6 kittens, all of which were eventually dumped after the girls tried to get US to take them, since we have 3 acres of property! The girls were never taught how to make friends, or value the needs of another person. They were poor students, because neither parent insisted they study and when they became seniors in high school the mother didn’t even require them to attend school if they “didn’t feel good.” That turned into the youngest daughter missing 2/3rds of her senior year so she could stay home and watch TV with her mom (who, incidentally, doesn’t work). The girls don’t understand the value of money because they’ve never had to earn it. Now 20 and 22, neither one has a job. They are lazy and don’t know how to cook a meal that doesn’t come in a box. They can wash their clothes, but are to lazy to fold them so they get tossed on the floor. Everything they wear is mismatched and wrinkled. They don’t take daily showers because their mother told them it dries out their skin. They post the most hateful things about their father PUBLICALLY on their facebook pages, things like “mom says you have another kid that you have never acknowledged.” My husband gets annoyed, but that just means he “unfriends” them for a while and then 2 weeks later they are friends again. They are disrespectful and curse like sailors. For the last year, I just make myself scarce when they want to spend time with their father. In truth, this means they come over because they want money or their car (which was MY FATHER’S CAR, by the way) needs a tune up or some other issue. I usually am not home or, if I have to stick around, I’m in the bedroom until I know they are gone. They both want me back in the picture, of course. They miss the good things I used to do for them. Truth is, I HATE who they have become – carbon copies of their worthless mother. So my advice is, BEFORE you get married to a guy with children from a previous relationship, DO SOME INVESTIGATION into his parenting skills and those of the ex-wife. A blended family can work only when ALL 3 ADULTS are on the same page in the child raising book. In my case, I was raised so differently: I went to sunday school and chuch, I respected my parents, I had lots of friends and enjoyed school and couldn’t wait to get my first full time job. Neither my husband or his first wife were raised this way, so it’s no wonder the daughters have become people I would have avoided when I was their age. My husband has had to give up his dream of the perfect “new” family. I told him my reasons. As long as he respects my decision, he and I are okay.
Yana, I’ve been experiencing almost the exact same thing as you. I know what you mean, I just feel like giving up so often. i take it one miserable day at a time. I get serious anxiety when I know SD is coming home from school soon. I used to cut her slack too because I actually felt sorry for her situation but after visiting her mom for the first time in 3 years (her mom doesn’t want anything to do with her), SD is suddenly a complete jerk toward me. I couldn’t agree more with you that I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL SHE IS 18!
I don’t love my stepdaughter like I love my own. She’s mean to my 2 year old. I she’s very demanding and backtalks everytime I tell her she’s doing something wrong. She cries when her little sister gets a present and she doesn’t even though she got a present the day before. She asks why every time I ask her to do something. I just can’t help not loving her like I love my daughter. PLUS we only have her every other weekend
Be glad you only have her every other weekend!! I have both my step kids everyday and they only go to their BM every other weekend!
I felt very guilty before reading these posts. I dont like my SD. I tried to develope a relationship with her when she was younger. I have suffered so much abuse at the hands of her and her mother that I cant take it anymore.So I dont try anymore. She says she has plans to get “rid” of me. I dont know what the plan is but that is really scary. If she finds herself having a good time with me, she will burst out crying. I guess she feels guilty because she knows her mother does not want her to like me. It is really sad. So for self preservation, I try to remain neutral.
Kim, unfortunately there are many stepmothers who feel exactly like you. A funny story for you from another stepmom about her stepchildren “plotting to get rid of her”. She overheard a conversation between her SDs and her DH where they said that they hated her and they “want to pour water on her and make her go away.” DH was puzzled by that until he found out that their mother had shown them The Wizard of Oz for the first time the week before and they (the girls and their mother) decided to call her (SM) the “Wicked Witch of the West”. The SM took the whole family swimming that day—and she didn’t melt. 🙂
This was a great article and Like many I got the “OMGOSH I can relate” thought.
I have a wonderful husband and we have been together for about 5 years now. We have been married for 3 years. My husband and I have a unique family. When I met him his youngest was 2 and the oldest was 14. His ex-wife took off and left him with 9 children, YES i said 9. Needless to say he got custody of all 9 of them. I have two Biochildren of my own and we have one together. 12 children all together.
Like I said, their mom took off, I have never met the lady and in the 5 years that I have been with them they have seen her once, she calls every sunday but most of the kids don’t want to talk to her, and she’s sent maybe 3 packages. She doesn’t pay child support, can’t hold a job, and doesn’t pay for school supplies or clothes. Pretty much worthless. She promises them everything and constantly lets them down. So I am left picking up the pieces.
The oldest has moved out and started a family of her own. One of the other boys we had to send to live with her for the safety of the family. The more I deal with the kids the more a believe in genetics because I see her in them more and more. The deceit, lies, hatefulness and just overall ugliness, that these kids display on a daily basis. I understand there is alot of emotion going on with them to have their mom just abandon them. But I get so frustrated at the fact that she walks on water and I’m chopped liver. I bend over backwards taking care of these kids, and caring for them but I find myself resenting them (really their mother) more than loving them. I feel myself just “waiting until they grow up and move out” and I don’t want that to be my sole goal. I don’t want to just live life and end up resenting the kids.
My husband is military and he was gone alot and to be honest, I am not a gambling woman, but I would wager a large sum of money on how many kids weren’t actually my husbands biochildren. That makes me sad. He loves them unconditionally and he tries really hard to make of for where their BM lacks and I feel that that actually hinders their growth. I find them walking all over him and they pester him until he caves in because he’s tired and has no more energy. That is about the only area we don’t agree on. I want him to be more firm and the kids know he doesn’t have the energy most days because they wear u out!!
We have other issues too, way to many to go into and it just adds to the resentment. I really fear that I am struggling to show love and I don’t want that ugliness to turn me ugly! I know these kids have been through alot and only need a loving mom but I struggle on a daily basis trying to make up and repair what their mom screwed up! I care about these kids otherwise I really wouldn’t be here, I can think of may other ways to live than in a house with 10 kids. My DH is an amazing man but we are both tired of fighting with the kids, e don’t fight with each other, which is nice. But it is a constant battle in our house some days!! I am so mentally and physically exhausted all the time and my temper is short. Any ideas suggestions would be helpful!!
Thanks!
Well I feel very relieved to find this blog. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years in march. We met years earlier through his sister, and occasionally saw each other at parties ..I never thought we’d be together, I always found him attractive- but we never were alone to get to know one another. Over the years in between relationships we would have romantic encounters, but it never evolved into anything serious. One day he asked his sister how I was doing, and to arrange for us all to get together (with her and her fiance) She did, and that night something changed- the next morning it was hard to leave him, and one day later we were inseparable. The point of the background story was that I knew he had children- and at that point they were living out of province with their mother. I didn’t think much of anything except that I was having fun. We were dating for 2 months, and moved in together, on a casual whim to see how we felt living together. Four months later his ex dropped her 2 kids off our doorstep, claiming that she was an alcoholic and couldn’t take care of them. That was about 2.5 years ago, he has full custody now- and she gets every other holiday. I have struggled immensely emotionally trying to feel like this is normal and okay. Some days I feel like I am their mother. I’ve never played the role of step mom. I have been the one crying when they go to their mothers, feeling like she is taking my kids away. But other days I look at the little girl and see her mothers face and remember that she isn’t mine. Some days I feel so irritated by them, and wonder what my life would be like if he never had them. I feel so guilty for feeling like that, like a horrible person. Recently my brother and grandma have asked me “do you hug and kiss the kids?” with this deeply concerned look of pity on their faces..even though my family cant accept that i’m dating a man with 2 kids- and because of that i feel uncomfortable giving the kids overly motherly affection in front of my family- but then they turn around and judge me! making me feel like I should be more maternal or something. And all this after I get reamed out for “ruining my life being with a man with kids” I feel torn. I’m expected to love these kids like my own, but then get hassled for my poor decision to get involved and take care of them!!! The damn child tax check even comes in my name, my salary is reviewed to determine how much daycare subsidy we receive- but In court I have no rights, they wouldn’t even let me into the hearing- because I’m not family!!!!!!!! SO when it’s convenient for everybody else I am mommy, and when it isn’t- I’m a disillusioned women who’s being used by my boyfriend for childcare, and dominated by a mother in law who has my work schedule, and calls to report me to my boyfriend if i have to work overtime, and am “late” to pick up the children.
My day:
wake up at 7am
get kids dressed, fed
get myself dressed and fed
drop boy off at school
drop girl off at daycare
drive to work for 9am
pick up kids at grandmas right after work 6pm (if im late get in shit- cant even make a stop on the way home)
go home feed kids bathe kids
eat
put kids to bed
cycle starts again
some days i’m very happy. some days i want a child that is ours only. but i cannot imagine how over whelmed i’ll feel.
The kids tell me they love me 10 times a day..and mostly call me mom, but sometimes rachel. I wonder if I am sort of removed emotionally from children (never liked kids or planned on having any) or if it’s different when you have your own.
My boyfriend doesn’t seem to be overly attached to the kids, he does his job as a father, but sometimes i can sense he wishes things could’ve been different (the children were the unplanned result of being a guy in a band sleeping with a party toy girlfriend with whom thought he loved in his inebriated haze)
Sometimes I beat myself up about not being maternal enough, not putting the kids first. But this is my life! I’m 26! I still haven’t achieved my goals! I still have a future that is mine, and I can’t give all of myself to these kids- but wish I could. I wish their mom lived closer, and actually gave a shit (she went on to have 4 abortions and another baby with a random that she dated for 2 months who had a girlfriend at the same time) She now has a new boyfriend that she lives with, and runs a daycare from the house. So here I am taking care of her children, while she’s getting paid to take care of her new baby and a slew of other peoples children. She swings by every two or three months to pick up the kids in her bf’s car- showers them with gifts, and sleepovers in the hotel, fun, games, no discipline! The kids don’t go to daycare or school when they are with her, so it’s almost like I push the daily grind- and she just swoops in for fun times! and then drops them off with me so she can get back to her new life.
WHat is a girl to do?
i’m sorry for this incoherent rant, i know the punctuation and sentence structure is all over the map…
I want the kids to grow up right, learn how to be good people, and care about others, and themselves. I want them to have a good education, travel, learn about the world, and dream big. I am trying to find my path personally, but at the same time trying to be a mom to two small kids that aren’t biologically mine. I’m trying to be a good girlfriend, daughter, granddaughter and friend. I want to take care of everybody else, but I also need to take care of me. I wish we had more support from his family (grandma helps, but always complains, is an alcoholic, and on disability welfare) so obviously I’d rather take the kids, sacrifice my social life to keep them out of that environment.
Again, it is comforting to know that I’m not the only one struggling at times. And I think it’s worth mentioning, that women are expected to play many different roles; breadwinner, housekeeper, cook, taxi driver, lover, nurturer etc.
we are resilient, powerful beings that should empower each other, support one another, and even when we feel we might break under all the pressure..know that we have a strength that is unparalleled, that we are a force of nature- and as long as we use our powers wisely, we have done all we can do.
I really enjoyed reading this post. You sound like you are such a good person, it is obvious you love those kids and they are lucky to have you. I can see how it is hard not to be resentful or bitter sometimes. To go from living with a man to having two small kids dropped off at the house is huge. I certainly hope he appreciates you. Be sure to take care of yourself, your young and you deserve to have what you want for yourself in life. In my situation I feel like I put my bf and his son’s feelings ahead of my own, otherwise i was a bad person. Now that I’m in to deep I realize that what I want personally in life is important to. It does not make me a horrible person I hope.
omg i am so glad i found this site! i really felt i was alone and a monster. i dont think i am and i am glad to hear other woman say they love their husbands but dont have to love the children. My boyfriend has a daughter and his friends try telling him i dont love him because i dont accept the kid. I love him so much and he loves me so much and are planning a life together having kids. but he knows how i feel. he knows i dont accept her, i resent her, i dont like seeing her or her being around too long, i hate hearing her call him daddy. i hate any affection from him to her. i guess i just cant wait until we have our own family our kids together to enjoy seeing him give our baby all the attention in the world. This does not mean i am mean to her whatsoever not at all. i just want her more away so we can have our own llife. becasue of my complaints we only get her everyother weekend and even though i still cant stand it its way beetther then every weekend like it used to be.
I have two step-daughters. And I know I have a duty towards them. I look after them — cook, clean, do laundry, help with school projects, take them to movies, celebrate birthdays, holidays, look after them when they are sick. I do all of this because when I married my husband, I knew I was becoming a wife and a Stepmother at the same time. It is a responsibility I accepted. Here’s what I have to say to you — regardless of whether you love, like, partially love, partially like your stepchildren, you are required to do your duty to them to the best of your abilities. If you do that, then you should be proud of yourself. Love may or may not figure into the equation.
I do the same for my step-daughter. I do agree with you, however, I believe in a duty to try to build a relationship of mutual respect with the step-child. I do not believe it is my “duty” to look after her, since I don’t have any legal rights to her and I am not her mother. She has two parents who are responsible for that. I do take care of her anyway, but it is because I want to, not because I HAVE to.
Men and women should be equally capable of being single parents and care for their children on their own if they have to. If they have a new spouse, that should not change their responsibilities to their child! That spouse did not vow in marriage to become a babysitter or child carer to another person’s kid! If a step-mother raises and cares for a step-child, it should be considered something extra-ordinary, not a duty, and appreciated as such. A woman who marries a man, vows to be a good wife, not a good step-mother.
Hi – i’m glad i found this blog as i’ve been really struggling with my emotions. My BF and i moved in together almost 2 years ago, we’ve both been married before and have 3 kids each, ranging in ages 15-23. 4 of them live at home full-time and the other 2 come over a lot. I’m having issues with his 16 yr old daughter, besides the fact that she’s a drama queen and everything is about her… i had one of those too so i get that but its her lying about chores that gets me so mad. Just yesterday, i asked her to empty dishwasher after dinner as i know for a fact the other kids have all done their share and i can’t remember the last time she did and she said i loaded the whole dishwasher and cleaned the whole ktichen today. i just about fell off my chair as i didn’t leave for work until 10 and I had cleaned the kitchen and the dishwasher was pretty full, i had meant to turn it on but forgot. I told her this in front of her dad and she said well it was messy and there were glasses all over the living room (ok, maybe there were 2, thats it). of course her dad says nothing. this stuff happens all the time. why am i letting it bug me so much that i’m thinking maybe this isn’t working. I love this man with all my heart, he loves me , i know once they all move out we’ll have a wonderful life together. i know this sounds trivial, she’s not playing games with her mom (her mom isn’t involved much at all) and she doesn’t make lies up about me so why can’t i just ignore this???!!!
Sounds like your 16-year old stepdaughter is being 16. Think about her behavior from her perspective: her mom isn’t around very much, so she’s the last person that she’s going to lie to or play games with for fear that she will disappear all together. You’re a permanent fixture in her life and she’s learned that she can count on you, no matter how badly she behaves. Try not to let it bother you and remember that the teenages years (and all the not-so-fun behaviors that go with it) pass. Good luck!
Ahahaha let’s see what those of you who have hubby’s that don’t see their bio kids (to your relief) think when your marriage is over and he now wants nothing do with your new bio kids ( to his new wife’s relief). Bet you change your tune and he’s suddenly a heartless bastard and the new wife is a manipulator.
Grow the hell up! Step parenting is hard – bloody hard, but you are the adult! I think you are talking yourselves into not loving the skids! I’m bloody glad I am not you and that none of my kids live with you. What a bunch of selfish bitches…
What about the selfish bitch mother who gives her daughter to her dad and me because she’s done with her? I didn’t ask for this.
damngoodstepmom- what is your point posting something on this page??? No one needs to change their tune. THis blog is for women who have these feeling towards these rude, and unappreciative kids or just stepkids in general TO VENT, We all have something in common, our husbands or boyfriends ex wife, girlfreind kids in our homes causing turmiol! No one is talking themselves into not loving these other women child(ren), but personaly I CANNOT love a child who did not love mine while growing inside of me, can you??? You cant be be none of us, you cant be ME, you havent walked in any womans shoes here so you have no real reason to be calling ppl names, no one is a selfish b*tch other than the person who cant understand what others are through. WHO IS SELFISH NOW??? And be careful how you think about other’s marriages… always remember not to throw stones when you live in a glass house!!
Name-calling certainly doesn’t help. There’s a big difference between being a selfish bitch and being honest about your feelings.
And it is very adult of you to start name calling people who are are trying to be very honest and open on this topic.
You’re assuming only step MOTHERS don’t love their skids. What about the step FATHERS? Gotta love the obvious sexist bullcrap that women must be maternal to all children – even the ones they have not adopted and aren’t actually theirs. Why should we invest so much emotional energy into a child that will treat us with disdain when their mother decides to roll back into their lives? I TREAT MY SKID BETTER THAN HIS F***KING MOTHER DOES but I do not love him! Allegedly, she loves him though her behaviour says otherwise.
She neglects him, feeds him garbage food, doesn’t get his hair cut in a civilized fashion – he is on honour roll at school when he is with us, for academics and attendance. He suddenly has 1 or no cavities rather than the many he used to have.
It is also not the step-parent’s responsibility to dictate to their spouse about when the spouse should see the skids – that is TOTALLY on them! My marriage is strong, thanks anyway…
I have 2 boys with my husband, and he also has a 9 year old daughter, the product of a 1 night stand. I hate, hate HATE that he has a child with someone else and just try to forget about it. Of course I am pleasant to her when she is around but I will never love her, much less love her as much as MY kids. Luckily we were able to move to Florida where my family is and his daughter is still in ny with her mother. She only comes to visit once a year for a couple weeks at a time so our home isn’t disrupted too much. My husband knows exactly how I feel. I wish I never even started dating a man with a kid but hindsight is 20/20 and now that we have 2 kids of our own everyone just kind of has to deal…it is what it is I suppose. When we first got together I would have near panic attacks just being around his daughter…I must have had really low self esteem back then! I would definitely advise anyone considering marrying a man with kids to run for the hills. Also, in reference to something “damngoodstepmom” (ha!) Said about when we get divorced…we actually DID separate for a while and my son’s father was as involved as ever, so I guess no blanket statements can ever be made in steplife!
I admit I do not love my stepson until now I felt I had to try very hard but all this has done is made me resentful so going forward I’m taking a step back. I am a childless SM and I find it hard to cope sometimes as I’m used to it just being us two does this make me a bad person as its eating me up inside! My husband says I’m always on at him but my SC uses bad language towards me I’m in a situation and I don’t really know what else to do.
My husband says he will see his son alone maybe it’s for the best but it hurts as we do have fun most of the time .
I don’t think your a bad person, I understand how trying so hard every day can give you bad feelings and make you resentful. I really don’t think that I could deal with having bad language used on me, I would snap. I certainly hope your husband picks up for you. All you can do is try.
I’m so glad that I read all these posts. For so long I have thought there is something wrong with me, that I am a bad person. I met my fiancé 8 years ago when his son was 7 and never expected to get into a relationship with him mainly because he had a child. But my bf grew on me and he does have a good kid but I have never found it easy. Regardless of what a sweet, good kid he was I was always bitter and resentful. I wanted a relationship where it was about me and my bf but I made the choice to get into it. I have tried so hard to make his son a part of my life the past few years but I still find myself upset and wondering what I am doing some days. His son’s mother left him when he was 4 and eventually cut contact with him, never even called him on his birthdays or Xmas, never sent him anything, does not even pay support. That was very difficult on him and then the past year she made contact through facebook. They talk and visit now and he is over the moon about mom. He does not look at me as a mother at all yet I am the one who helps provide for him and try to be apart of his life every day. He is 14 now and is growing into a such a good young man but I get so pissed sometimes that he doesn’t appreciate me more when his mother really is not that great. What does she do for him. She sent him down a used iPod in the fall and I thought how nice, it’s time for her to start doubt things like that. When Xmas rolled around I noticed she never sent him anything, she told him the iPod was his Xmas gift. Really! She pays nothing toward raising him and can’t give him her used iPod just because. Then she writes things on facebook for everybody to see about how things were complicated a while back and she loves him more then anybody. Why not call your son or write and private message. What I really find hard is trying to look out for him and have input in his life and his father jumps down my throat. I’ve just about had it, I’m considering leaving. It’s so hard to be comfortable and be a family when I’m allowed to put food on the table for him, drive him around, pay the bills, etc but if I try to be a parent me and my fiancé always end up fighting. I feel like more of a parent to my cats. It makes me resent and have hostility towards his son.
All weekend I could not wait to post again ……such a relief to get all these feelings that build up overtime off my chest. Everytime I write it truly makes me feel better and I LOVE NOT BEING JUDGED for the way I feel. We all have situtiions in our lives that make us uncomfortable. My husband haveing a son is mine. I admire many of you who use the words step daughter or step son, becuase I can’t even speak those words out of my mouth. Only a hand full of my closest friends know about my husband’s child and these are the only people I vent to. I was blessed when I found this blog and have recenlty found another woman who feels the same exact way I do about this situation. Many of you deal with your stepchilren every other weekend etc…..I feel lucky that is not my situation. I see my husband’s son maybe a hand full of times a year. The anxiety building up when those moments happen, I can’t even describe. This past weekend was a “moment”. When he’s around it’s always at a family gathering so luckily I can ignore the situation as I keep myself busy talking with others. However I must admit that it makes my stomach turn to see my husband interact with him like they around each other all the time. It’s like my husband tries to be something he’s never been for 17 years, I feel he tried to make a good impression on other family members as If he’s involved in his son’s life full time like most dad’s are. As mentioned also in previous posts of mine……if it was not for my husband’s mother his son would not even be at these family gaterings becuase my husband doesn’t think about bringing him. My moter in law has recently been informed by myself on the way I have felt for 9 years and now I feel as if she purposely invited my husband’s son over the weekend to a family b-day party. She can be a very minupulative person. I just don’t know how to deal with my feelings anymore……as the years go on they only get stronger and as I’m getting older I start to think more about having a family with my husband but I feel like that has already been taken away from me becuase he has a son with someone else. I fear of comments that will be made, I fear of his son holding our child and his family wanting to take family photo’s, I fear of b-day parties that will be thrown for our children and his son being there, I fear what to tell our children about the child he had and if he’s considered a brother or not to them becuase in my eyes he is not. I know that I sound like hate reeps from my bones, but I don’t hate his son I just hate the situation and wish my husband didn’t have a son to begin with. I hate that I will never feel 100% whole like I want to to share special family moments without in the back of head having anxiety over this. For the rest of my life I have to deal with this and I don’t know how. His son is 17 and is talking about joining the military. I pray this happens. I pray he goes away and for the first time I can have a life with the thought or fear of having to be around the situation. I always feel so selfish when I think of it because I’m actually very lucky that it’s only apart of my life a hand full of times a year. I could go on for hours typing awaying until my fingers hurt, but today is a hard day for me due to the family weekend b-day party. we were in charge of taking his son home after the party even though the only reason his son was there was becuase mother in law wanted him there……..the ride home was so uncomfortable for me. My husband made small talk the whole 45min with him asking him questions that I felt if you were really involved with someone’s life (like he tries to tell me he is) then you would know the answers to all the questions you are asking. I just need strength right now to put this once again behind me until the next “moment” occurs.
I spent last night celebrating my step sons birthday and I could not wait for it to be over. I do so much for the child, more then his own mother and I am never appreciated. His aunts, uncle and grandmother all went around giving him gifts but when his father gave him a gift from us I received no thank you, he did not even mention that it was from me as well. Same thing Xmas time, we showered him with gifts and after he finished opening them all he put his arms around his dad and said thank you. It makes me so bitter and resentful. I know that I am supposed to be an adult and it would be hurtful but I would love to ask my step son what his real mother does for him that is so great, what makes him love her so much. I have never meet the woman but like I mentioned in a previous post she left him when he was a little boy and never so much as spoke to him in years but has recently reconnected. I haven’t asked yet but I don’t think she even gave him a birthday gift, she never gave him anything for Xmas, she pays no support, she does not have to deal with any of the parenting but she can send him little messages on facebook saying I love you baby boy and nobody will ever love you as much as me. I have sacrificed my own needs, my wants and the freedom I would like to have with a partner to be a step mom and I don’t know if I can do it any more. It’s not even that bad but I want my own child who loves me and I love back. I’m to the point where I feel depressed. Do I think about my own feelings or theirs.
all i know is i have been with my husband now almost 8 years – he has a daughter whom i tried to love for all of this time – she is now on her own and i am so thankful for that – but honestly there is really nothing about her that i like – at all. she is deceitful, a liar, coniving, very messy and dirty, does not respect other peoples property, does not respecet her dad or i – not quite sure what is left. She is the only person i can think of that makes me that angry – most people even if i don’t like them much – have some qualities that i appreciate and respect – with her there truly are none. What a sad and frustrating place to be. Yet i am trying to encourage her and her dad to go for counselling so that they can have a relationship – deep down i don’t even care . . . . . . how is that for honest?
I am so glad I found this. I honestly need to vent and could use some advice as well. I am recently re-married and on the verge of being divorced again and the biggest problem is skids. I am a Biomom to three boys ages 11, 7, and 5 me and my ex have joint custody but we have been in court for the past year trying to sort things out and hopefully do whats right for the kids its never ending. Needless to say that itself is the most frustrating and emotionally draining thing I have ever been through and continue to go through but to top it off I fell in love with someone almost 2 years ago and we got married in June. He has 2 children girl 6 and boy 11. I have been their full time mom ever since. He has full custody of the kids…their mom is an alcoholic duggie criminal who has had no contact with them for more than a year. They by no means are horrible kids not even close…but in my opinion living with her for the many years they did has seriously damaged them and to top it off my husband being a single father who was exhausted all the time did little in the way of raising them. Yes he loves them. Yes he does things with and for them. But when I came into their lives there was NO discipline and he teaches them no repsonsibility or manners. I thought I was going to swoop in and make everything better. Not even close. His kids are disprspectful to me at times, the don’t take care of things whether they belong to them me or my kids, they lie and the ss has a horrible temper and is mean to my younger boys a lot which I cant stand. The sd acts like she is afraid of me when he is there…why I have no clue but I get blamed for it and degraded for it all the time. If I come in a room she will leave. MY husband says its my fault that I scare her or make her uncomfortable. I have no idea what to do…she was like that before I ever came into the picture. And she doesn’t act affraid of me at all when we are alone. I don’t get it. I think a big part of it is her mother passing out drunk and leaving her to fend for herself when she was 3. I fully admit their father and I are night and day as far as raising kids and since im a teacher and they go to my school I am the one who spends most of the time with them and I am a considerable amound harder on them than he is. But I’m like that with my biokids. I want to raise kids who will become repsonsible kind adults who will be able to to live a comfortable life and contribute positivley to society. And I want the same for his. Today we got into a silly argument but he blew up and it turned into the same old dialog of what a shitty step mom I am because his kids act different around me. It ended with him yelling at me that he loves them more and always will. Things like this make me so resentful. I am on the verge of giving up…if I haven’t all ready in my mind. I have tried so hard to do what I thought was good I take them places reward them for good grades, show an interest in what they do but nothing seems good enough. I don’t kiss all over them and hug them…its just not my way I am only that way with my bios it just doesn’t feel natural yet with the skids…we have only lived together 8 months. I really don’t want him or the kids to go but I feel so lonely (when my kids aren’t there) and emotionally beat up I don’t know if I should continue to try. Are these types of arguments typical and solvable or should I just give up? Any suggestions are welcome PLEASE!
I definitely know how you feel. I have a SS who is a good kid but if I try to be a parent to him at all my bf jumps down my throat. I think that woman think differently about some things then men but he does not see that my intentions are good, He would rather get offended. For example, when we first moved in together my SS would never wash his hands, never, and I noticed, something I think a parent needs to pay attention to and teach their children. I brought it up and I was the bad one, suddenly I was trying to say my SS was a dirt bag. I have so many examples it is unreal and that is why I myself am emotionally drained. I wish I had the answer or knew what the right thing to do is. I don’t have any children of my own and can’t imagine this being my life forever, if I do not have my own child at least I would not be able to continue on.
I feel for you! It’s uncomfortable to try and function under the same roof when you are supposed to be a parental figure, yet you aren’t allowed to and nothing you do seems good enough for them. I think your husband needs to realize how tough your role is and that you have been trying to do more than what their own biomom has ever done. He really should support and respect YOU more than anything because the marriage is the foundation, not the kids! If he “loves them more” then he needs to place his priority and focus on you so that they can have a stable, normal environment. You shouldn’t feel guilty that it doesn’t feel natural to hug and kiss them…that is something that can only come with time, and sometimes it never happens and that’s o.k. too. What’s important is they are lucky enough to have a mom raising them who is not a druggie criminal!
Mt husband knows I do not like my step kids and he told me he cannot live like this knowing I don’t live his kids, he says that if I love him I should live his kids
In my experience….? Run!!! (sorry! ) xx
. I am living with my bf and his young daughter since her age of 3. Since I came into her life at 3 she has immediately attached herself to me. Started calling me mommy from the 30th day of my moving in. We do everything together. I teach her how to ride horses, ride bikes, paint, use computer, I teach her spanish the list goes on and on. I also teach her her education writing ,reading,etc…
She had become my child. I have spend days and weeks and months on end watching her blossom into a little girl. She loves me and I her. She is my daughter.
we are very happy with me mommy in the house. in fact she set the pace. I have had a talk to her about it over a year ago and she doesn’t care. She said she loves me and I am her mommy too. So now she had 2 mommies. I left it at that.
This was just fine in our home. Two and half years go by, I take care of her everyday. Bring her to her dr. appt. bring her to school. Play, do homework. its a 26 day a month
special time between the two of us. So, for her to feel comfortable calling me mom is certainly fine with me.
It’s been 2.5 years. And now the bio mother is not liking it .. She sat down my daughter and told her she is forbidden to call me mom ever again. And that i’s wrong. And to think
of another name for me. So Bio mom called me up and tells me her daughter is not allowed to call me mom any longer and she is going to call me cupcake.
Inside info. The bio mother receives a hefty amount of child support a month.
The bio dad pays for all education. private school,
The bio dad pays for baby sitters. extra curricular activities, violin, sports, horseback riding. camp etc.
tennis, golf, tutor. and many more things.
The only thing the bio mother needs to do is enjoy her daughter, take advantage of all of the wonderful opportunities in life she is getting. A financial burden that had been taken right off of her back. She has a lot a free time and is certainly has any opportunity in the world to take her on her days. or her off days to do fun stuff together. Who I am to stop that.? There is nothing need to be paid. Just time to spend. No worries.
It doesn’t happen like that. It’a usually just all me. At this point I am in Love with this child and want to spend every waking moment raising her anyway. But, If her mom wants her, I oblige.
This is the first time I felt totally insulted. Besides me feeling insulted. That poor child was just told not to call someone she loves as a mother mom. I can just feel how her heard sand in her little chest. I know it would upset the child. What is this woman doing? A divorce and living between 2 homes is enough, pawning her off at your sisters or her grandmothers to sleep and stay during your 2 lousy weekend while you are off partying or whatever it is that you do.
That’s all you get with her. If you don’t want her, her dad and I would more than love to have her stay and live with us. This is her home. We are her family.
You don’t work for 7 months and drop her off to me every single day so that I can take care of her. Spring to Oct. and thats not Including November- May. Then I have her all winter everyday. Listen , I love my life, I love my time for me.i have always worked in my career, but with this child. She did something to me. I will never be the same person. I fell in love with her.. And I want to protect and help raise her to the finest young woman she can be. TO me it’s become all about her. I put myself. My whole life aside to be with her. to teach her.. To give her what she deserves. Not with a nanny, but with someone who LOVES her! I did this because when I came into her life she just grasped onto me with everything he has.
2 and a half years go by. I love this child like she is my own. Wondering how a mother could just not want to deal with the stress, work, whatever it is to take the responsibility of taking care of her own child. And then has the balls almost 3 years later. She is not to think of you as a mother. She is to call the woman you love as a mother cupcake. Just because I spend my days with her and she chose not to be a stay at home mom. I am the bad one. I am taking over as a mother and she wants me to stop, but does not want to step in.
That is unacceptable. And the poor child said that really made her feel bad. this baby can feel the tension and the threats from her mother. oh The guilt. Who tries to make their 5 year old feel guilty!!!!
That child can call me whatever her heart desires NOT what her bio mom wants her to call me.. Whatever SHE wants. And that will certainly not be cupcake. .
Your jealousy is not going to get in between us. I am planning to stay a long, long time. I never intended to take your place bio mom. But, I also never intended to be in such a position to be a full time mommy. I know, and she know’s I’m not her bio mother, and as you tell her she came out of your vagina. Coming out of a woman’s vagina doesn’t necessarily make you a mom. You left and cheated on your marriage and went off to live with that man. And dragged your daughter and husband to another state to supposedly save your marriage was a ploy!! A well planned out LIE!! And you left when they got here. Moved in with your bf.
You opened the door for another woman to come into your ex husbands life and especially that little girls life. And boy,,,, from what I saw… She was so desperate for a mommy.
WE have been living as a family in our home for 2.5 years. You live with your new family and we have our own family in this house. This is our family now. And if you don’t like it. Then Too Bad for YOU!!!
If you feel jealous, or something is wrong , you are welcome to talk to me. Or a therapist, but DO not talk to a 5 year old child who doesn’t understand why mom hates mommy sharon. who has done nothing but be kind and fair and basically a 24-7 babysitter for you. You selfish person.
My husband and I have been an on again off again thing since our teenage years. We would get mad, have a cool off period, and be right back the way we were. Then during a cool off period… he decided to “hook up” with a girl, knocked her up, and I was left kinda like “What the !”#& just happened??” So we move on. They get married, have son. I date… go to college… eventually marry. I get divorced and take a second job to keep busy. My now husband starts coming thru the drive-thru every day just to talk to me, give me his number, ask me out… turns out he had been divorced for quite a while and was “keeping tabs on me” as he put it. Anywho. We started dating. Over the next year or so I got pushed into the role of take his son to football, pick up from school, watch him when I wasn’t working my two jobs or taking care of my terminally I’ll father, sometimes babysitting while I was taking care of my father. I spent so much time there that I eventually was kind of moved in, but kind of not, we were engaged, and I would sleep there if I was just too tired from everything to even drive back to my own home. This is when the “you’re not my mommy” rears its ugly head. I was not allowed to sleep in the dad’s bed. He hates me. He wishes I would die… (while I’m suffering enough watching my father die), and i start crying, and so… I go home to sleep in my bed, leaving child in care of his grandmother. Now this is the big moment that has really screwed everything for me….. I’m in my driveway getting out of the car, and the cop car pulls up with my fiance driving and his partner with him, and he gets out all stompin his feet like he is just the billy badass of the law enforcement and starts yelling at me that I will not treat his child this way. That his child will ALWAYS be number one to him, and that I may as well just get over it. Im not sure exactly what I was getting over at that point in time but exhaustion, but it starts the long line of “everything is my fault”. Now, I turn and tell him that if he isn’t even going to get the actual story of what went on, because at this point I really dont know what he is mad about, he can just haul his dang police cruiser right back off my property and not come back. So we dont talk… for two weeks….. and I find out im pregnant. So, he automatically thinks that we are just going to get married again. well okee dokee. He and his son move into my home because his mother wanted to live in his home, and more or less just pushed him and his son over on me. I refused and kept refusing to marry him. LIving together is one thing… marriage, been there done that… im eight months along and he pulls me in at the court house… i had paperwork to do… but when i turn around… there is the guy to marry us.. im lookin at my pregnant belly and I think… hey my daughter needs her father… who am I to deny her that. I do love him, and its been going pretty good so okay what the hay. We have now been married for four years. I have two daughters by my husband, the 4 year old and a 6 month old. And…. my step son. Now my husband has full custody, so step-son lives in my house. I am the bread-winner. I am putting my hubby thru school and supporting him, myself, my daughters, and my step-son. No help from his momma. She gets him on the weekends and takes him all the fun places that I can’t afford right now, so he comes home and reminds me that “I suck”, and he “hates it here”, and “we never do anything fun because we dont have enough money”. His mother puts him up to being mean to me, and he tells his grandma… who tells me in turn… all his mother is doing is making it harder on him and me. Now everything has gotten to where that anything the son is not happy about, well we better get a loan and make that better. We better go buy him this and that and pay for it somehow. But I bought a battery powered jeep on black friday for my daughter and had to take it back because it was too expensive. My husband makes sure to spend all kinds of “just me and him” time with the son, but never does ANYTHING with just either one of our daughters, or even just the two of them. If he plans on taking our older daughter somewhere young child oriented, say a petting zoo… well he cant leave the 13 year old out. he has to go to the petting zoo too. He comes back with 100 pics of the son, and maybe 2-3 of our daughter. I ask why? and I’m a B)#*$. He is tired of my @#)@. I dont do enough for the son. I dont take him enough places. (I take him places five days a week last time I checked.) This last time was I asked for him to spend some adult time with me. He has not taken me on a date since…. geez I cant even remember… but it was way before our youngest was born. I say “I’m lonely, I need a little interaction here” meaning ADULT Interations if you get my point…. and it turns into “you have got to spend more time with son… you need to take him somewhere…. maybe then you wont be lonely… and you make him feel bad because you dont love him like you do daughters”… and I snap and say “I’m sick of everything turning into something about son!!!!” I need to get laid that has nothing to do with son!!! Son has a mother who loves him like i do daughters and he makes it very clear that I dont rack up to his mom so quit expecting me to be her. I’m not his mother. She is the one he is with every other weekend. He is with me thru the week.” Husband turns back with, well we will just leave then. “You can have it all!!!” I can have what? I have paid all your bills… sold my stuff to pay for your ex-wifes fraudulent debts in your name… raised son buying his every need and pretty much every want, built him his own room in my house i inherited from my father that you have done nothing to pay for… i even bought your car… so what can i have???? You can have everything, the house the girls.. it all. Me and son will leave.
Ok my point is… OUR daughters are just as freakin important as son. And really… when I think about it… he gives me no time. He gives them no time. And obviously all three are in the runner-up positions when it comes to even receiving his love. Dont get me wrong… I do care for son… I support son… I feed son, I clothe son, son does not ever do without. I clap and cheer for son at every football game, even though his mother does not show. Even tho I hate football with every passion of my body and dont really even understand what is going on half of the time… I still make my butt go, and cheer… in the cold… because I CARE. It is IMPOSSIBLE for me to LOVE him like the babies that formed in my womb. It is IMPOSSIBLE for me to love step-son like these little girls that I nursed for months. The little kicks that kept me up all night. Those babies grew inside of me. I am their ONLY mother. If they don’t get mommy love from me… who will give it. Lord knows they don’t get equal amounts of daddy love, or grandma love, or grandpa love. Step-son is the priority. Now… if it were not a constant comparison to bio mother, it would be different. If I were to actually be able to adopt him, and be able to have a love from him that would equal that of a mother figure, to have him be MINE and nobody elses, then I would let my guards down and maybe try a little harder. But I feel constantly taken advantage of, stepped on, walked on… and ground up in the dirt. Nothing I do is good enough… and everything I lack in makes poor step-son not happy. I can’t punish or inforce rules…. because I’m not the bio mother and I do not have that right. And when I do take TV priviledges or something, step-son gets mad and wants to run off to mommy or mamaw, then daddy gets mad at me and threatens to leave. Well by cracky… this is my house, not hers, and if I’m doin the raisin, then I should at least get some dang respect. I have a tendency to treat the way I am treated is what I’m sayin’.
Giiiirl, you are going way above and beyond what you should be expected to do! It’s bad enough that SS came from a “hook up.” Then on top of that, you are the provider for everyone and are not even treated equal! You are right that it isn’t fair at all that your daughters are basically left behind–it sounds like your husband is overcompensating because he must feel guilty about his son. SS shouldn’t be the only priority when he has 2 other kids in the house!
My husband’s dad treats my SD so much better than the daughter my husband and I had together. So Grandpa will ignore my daughter when SD is in the same room. He feels the need to overcompensate because SD was the result of a casual “hook up” and now has a deadbeat mom with a criminal record. It always makes me feel bad that he doesn’t want to get to know my daughter but he is overly concerned about the daughter of a mental case felon (SD’s mom).
WOW you must be a strong person. I have a SS as well and you can tell my husband feels bad for his younger years when his mom left him because he definately overcompensates as well. My SS is such a good kid but my husband doesnt make him do any chores, waits on him every morning breakfast time, believes every word he says, he is one of those parents who thinks his child can do no wrong. He is 15. He should be helping out around the house but I can’t say anything. I nicely mentioned him doing chores the other day and my husband says he is sick of my rules and I am a *&^%$. I pay the bills, drive my SS around, put his meals on the table, whatever needs to be done but if I make one comment about raising him look out. So how am I supposed to not feel bitter and angry. Why should I do anything for my SS if that is how I am going to get treated. I can see how much my husband loves his son but seriously we do so much for him so why not help out and have responsibility. How is he ever going to learn anything if you baby him, doesnt mean he doesnt love him. It seems like such a basic thing and I got freaked at, is there something I am missing? Don’t know how much more I can take.
Its quite informative to read all the post on here. After years of not having contact with his kids, my partner is back in touch with them. He has 3kids. While I have never met or spoke to any of them, I wonder how this will affect our new life, should I be introduced or at least should they be made aware daddy is married. I want to start our family but so worried About this and even discussing with Hubby. Any tots? Also am beginning to feel somewhat insecure, the other day he spoke to them while in was in, it felt weird, it had always been just the two of us. His ex was even jorvial with him…..
Its so nice to know that I’m not an evil stepmother! BUT, my problems at home are just begining. I’m 11 weeks pregnant and stepmother to a 12 year old and 10 year old. Befor I came around the kids went from their dad’s to their grandparents, only seeing their mom once a year for one week. They worship their mom (even though in adult world she is an unfit mother). Now the kids spend most of their time with me, more so then anyone else. I’m learning these kids have never heard the word ‘no’ befor. Some days I just want to run out of the house and give up. I keep thinking these are not my kids why am i doing this, if they were mine they would know what a time out was!
So, the other day i was telling their father about some new simple rulse i had put in place for them that they had refused to follow. (simple like putting your dirty socks in the hamper, throwing juice box away when done). Anyway I began crying and he ask why i let it bother me so much and i told him befor even thinking of the words coming out “I dont want our child to turn out like them! I will never let my child behave the way they do! i cant stand to think my child will ever be like that!”
He got upset and yelled at me about how hard it was to be a single dad and he did the best he could. well of course i felt horrible for hurting him but I still dont want my kid to be like my stepkids. WHAT DO I DO?
Reading these comments has been such a relief.
On the weekend my husband talked about having his 2 kids spend more time with us, perhaps every second weekend and the thought just horrified me.
I feel terribly guilty for thinking it, but every time I see them its like seeing mini versions of his ex wife. Its really hard to get to love them for who they are when every second thing out of their mouth is a comment on how I do things differently to their mother.
I dont feel guilty for not loving them. It took awhile but I came to be ok with it. When people give me a horrified look for saying so, I point out that they have a mother to provide motherly love and thats not my role in their lives. Seems to placate people.
Awesome! I say every weekend that if I hear one more effing word about stepsons mother, i will scream! I get so mad when he pulls that noise of, “my mother let’s me do that” if I say no ball in the house or no jumping on the couch.
I dont care if I sound like a bitch when I demand that he not kick my dogs. I asked him (he is almost 8 n still in first grade, way to go biomom w/ a masters in education!) if he kicks his mother or schoolmates or his dog and he said no, I said well why is it you think it is ok to kick anything but a ball? Am I a bitch for refusing to allow him to kick my daughter or my dogs or me?
When I married my husband a year ago, he had his 2 girls every other weekend. I’ve known the kids longer than I’ve known my husband because my daughter goes to school with the oldest, my daughter is 14 and SD is 14. I’ve always liked the girls but the past month or so they have been over every weekend and everyday after school until 9 or 10 at night. It’s driving me completely nuts. The 11 yr old acts like she is 3 and I literally can’t stand to be around her any more. She whined and baby talks all the time. I can’t sit next to my husband or even talk to him when they are around, they interrupt every time we try to have a conversation. They don’t clean up after themselves either. I raised my daughter by myself up until now and my husband treats her great. I guess that’s why I feel so guilty for not liking his anymore. When his girls come over everyday I feel like in order to keep my sanity I have to isolate myself from them. I haven’t said anything to my husband because I don’t want to hurt him or make him upset. But i know i will and it won’t be good. I just keep telling myself they are his kids and he loves them. I wouldn’t want to come between them. I’m so confused but relieved that there ate other stepmoms that feel the same way. Thanks for letting me vent!!
Thank goodness for this article and the ongoing posts. Clearly a taboo topic but holds much truth.
I do not hold any love for my husbands child. She’s 11. I have recently had a child of my own and I am so protective of him. I don’t want my sd near him or even touching him.
My husband senses that I feel negatively about her. She’s just so frigging annoying and her nasty habits are excused by him and his family.
It makes me cringe when his family members state that my son looks like her. No!!! He looks like his father. Uggghhhh I hate when she comes over and I’m miserable the whole time she’s here.
I have no problem with my Hubby spending time with his daughter. I just don’t want to be included in their activities and it suits me just fine if he takes her and spends time with her at my mil. Or if they do their own thing while they are here.
I have no feelings for this kid.
I am hoping that once she starts highschool she becomes interested in other things and the 2 hour ride from her house to ours isn’t that appealing to her.
Nancy – I completely understand how you feel. I also hold no lover for my husbands child and a huge fear of mine is what you said in your posts. I dread and will hate the comments made by his family of our child looking like his son. It’s a creation that my husband adn I made and has nothing to do with his son. I do not have kids yet, but we are trying to start a family. I have such anxiety on not being a mother or all the responsibility that comes along with is, or giving birth. I have anxiety over his son interacting with our child when he’s around, me having to watch that, the comments his family members might make and especially the mother in law trying to make a family our of something that is never going to happen. I am around my husband’s son about 5 times a year. It’s enough for me and I dread every freakin moment of it. My mother in law plays a big role in those 5 times which tells me even more how much my husband could care less and I wish she would stay out of it. I keep praying that his 17 yr old joins the military as planned and will not be around when we start our family together. Don’t feel bad for the way you do. We all feel different ways.
I have been living with my step kids for about 4 years now and it was not until recently that I made it known that I do not like or love my step kids! My husband and his reaction was that he couldn’t be with a women that didn’t love his kids he said that if I really loved him I would love his kids I said that is BS I fell in love with him not his kids with all these kids put me through I do not see it ever happening . I have my own kids and he says I took the total package with you , but with men it’s different they can have step kids and love them as their own us women are not build that way. There was an article I read not sure where but it was an experiment on a cow or a lamb where they try to give the mom someone else’s babies and the animal knew it wasn’t “their own” and pushed them away from her , after I read that I was so relieved that I wasn’t evil as they make me seem to be “they” I mean by his family members . They want me to hug and kiss and be all lovey towards them , I’m like are they crazy. I found this website by googling “i hate my step kids is something wrong with me” though I really don’t hate them , I just want these years to rush by so they can hurry up and move out , but it seems like time has slowed down , on the other hand my kids will also be gone so it’s difficult.
I’m really glad you mentioned the difference between how men & women respond to step-parenting. I’ve often wondered why it seems like men have an easier time saying, “I love my step-kids like my own.” That’s very interesting the study you found about other mammals and it DOES make sense. Women have that so-called “maternal instinct” and it applies to the kids they have themselves. By the same token, I’m just as nice to my SD as I would be toward anyone else’s child who isn’t mine. I’m nice and friendly toward them but I have the hardest time truly bonding, connecting, and being all “lovey” towards them.
I’m so glad I came across this forum. I’m not the only one feeling this way about the SKs!
I don’t hate my SKs…I just don’t particularly like them. I’m not a monster. I’m kind, giving and polite to them, yet not afraid to step in and discipline when needed. The fact of the matter is, I don’t connect with them and truthfully, I don’t try nor even have the desire to bond with them.
Admittedly, it was very tough in the beginning, but ladies, it does get a bit better with time. It’s only been about a year since they came into my life, so it’s still early on for me. Maybe, after a few years, my feelings towards the SKs will be different.
I will keep you posted…
Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou! I hear what all of you say.
There are different loves though, aren’t there? I feel sexual love for my husband, platonic love for my closest friends, maternal love for my biokid (love this term and I’m introducing it all over Queensland) then the love I have for my stepson, 12.
From what I can gather, I have quite a close relationship with my stepson as I’ve known him since he was 5 and his father has allowed me to raise him as my own. Think this was one of the aspects which made him fall for me in that he thought I could instill much stronger moralistic and ethical attitudes than his biological mother.
What I grapple with is the lack of control I have over my stepson so have come to understand that it is not that I do not love him, but that I’m extremely challenged by the behaviours his mothers family holds. I’m talking about basic things about taking responsibility for your own actions, telling the truth, the weakness of jealousy, not blaming other people for what you yourself have caused etc etc.
I cannot control what happens outside my house so the only way to deal with this is by letting it go. Yes, it is very arduous explaining very very basic behavioural expectations such as loyalty, putting others first and the really big one, compassion. My biokid gives me very good leverage though, to instill these expectations and I can control what goes on in my house and I can set expectations about those behaviours in terms of his relationship with his much younger brother.
Don’t be so hard on yourselves – you actually do love your stepchildren though of course not in the same way as your biokid. Like me, you are probably disgusted by the behaviours your steppies learn when they are not with you.
Maybe set behavioural and emotional goals in your own home that are clear and say “this is what we do in this family”. Brings the steppies in because they feel as though they belong.
Yesterday was one of those days where I just did not like them. I wanted to throw them out the door and be done with them. They were being extra bratty, whiney and rude. They are young, so I can hear some people saying, cut them some slack, but I know kids their ages who are much better behaved (even on a bad day).
They’re not always easy to handle, and even my boyfriend has a trying time with his kids. My BF and I support each other and try to work as a team when dealing with brood. I have no bio-kids of my own, but have much experience with my nieces and nephews. I think he’s soft at times when handling their unruly behaviour. He is sometimes receptive to my ideas on how to handle the kids, and other times it falls on deaf ears. How do I handle that? I am by no means criticizing my BF’s approach; just think he could be a bit tougher on the kids. How can I possibly love these kids when I barely even like them? I’m not going to beat myself up for not feeling the love….It’s okay not to. I doubt I ever will at this point, but never say never. Stay tuned…
I feel so much better now that I know that I am not alone. I have been with my husband for 6yrs and married for 4years and I moved in with him after a year of our relationship. I went from raising one daughter to raising 4 and at that time they were all in their teens. They are all on there own as of today however I am still dealing with stepchildren drama. I thought that when they moved that things would be better however it is getting worse and when I say this I mean that my marriage is falling apart. One of the stepdaughters is disabled however not to a point of where she can’t fend for herself I mean she has her own family and home now but my husband still thinks that she is this 5 year old that can’t take care of herself. I am so irritated because he talks to her in baby talk on the phone and has demanded that she’s to stay at the house twice a week, every week with her baby, so that she could spend quality time with them. Yes I can understand the quality time spent however its my home to and I should have a right to say “no” once in awhile. He refuses to listen to my side and tells me I am mean and heartless if I don’t want his daughter at our house. I on the other hand had to deal with his other daughter that lives in another town on facebook and how she said that I don’t make them feel comfortable when they are there and I truly don’t see how they could say those things when I try my hardest to make them feel accepted in our home. I buy them things, we go camping and do other family gathering things together, yet they don’t appreciate any of this. I am the one that is always apologizing and trying to make amends and I am sick of it, totally tired and drained of it all. I really am at my wits end and don’t know what to do anymore my husband is always on there side and says I am mean and heartless when I refuse to have them over to our home. Sad and tired! : (
I am in this situation too. I don’t have a problem with my two stepsons, age 3 and 6, but I do have a problem with us not being able to get anything done on the weekends. They visit alternate full weekends and then they visit from Friday morning through Saturday noon on the “short” weekends. So they visit every weekend. We both work demanding jobs and are not able to do much just to manage our lives and maintain our home during the week. Date nights are few and far between. Frankly we are exhausted. I have two sons who live with us and they are 15 and 17 and do not require as much attention since they are older and have things to do themselves. My husband also has a 20 year old daughter from his first marriage and she lives in another state.
When I ask to change the schedule for a weekend or take a weekend off you’d think it was the end of the world. I don’t know if it’s a bigger problem for my husband or his exwife – who left him for another man and has the majority of her weekends off to do whatever she pleases. He keeps most of their communication to himself. My nephew’s high school graduation is coming up and I don’t know if my husband will be able to attend with me. I attend most of my sons’ weekend events alone. It feels very lonely at times.
Then to compound it, it infuriates me that it seems the exwife controls my schedule. We were together for a year and have been married three months. It didn’t seem like such an issue in the beginning but now as real life is setting in, it is a huge challenge that at times depresses the hell out of me.
How hard would it be to substitute Thursday nights for Friday nights on the short weekends. My husband’s work schedule would accommodate it. Then we would have a full weekend twice a month to do home projects, have dates, take weekend trips, or just relax. Am I a selfish bitch to want that?
Couples time is essential to a good marriage. Having time to yourself to do things is critical to your sanity. No, you are not a bitch for wanting either of those things, nor do I think an EOW with one night during the week arrangement is an outrageous request. In fact, it’s what most divorced parents do.
I feel all of your pain, my ss age 7.5 is the biggest brat! Biobeeeotch has no rules n he is loud at 6 am, (my daughter age 13 is sleeping n he wakes her up), he thinks he runs the free world n everything is his even if it belongs 2 her, DH or me, trashes my house every weekend, cries like a 2 yr old, tantrums all the time. I’m not allowed 2 say anything or put him in timeout or he tells his mom I’m mean, which I am not, if I could manage the behavior I would but then he’d be in timeout all the time! worst of all he HITS N KICKS my dtr n my 2 little Beagle n dachshund dogs. I’ve loved his father since the day we met and wanted to beat the sh*t out of his ignorant mother since I met his dad. Doesn’t make me evil to dislike his behavior, makes me human and a sensible mom both bio and step!
My problem is unique in that my stepdaughter is not a monster. Well, she is a pathological liar. She’s the type that will say “I’ll be there in 5 minutes” but she means 45 minutes. Or “Oh yeah, I was just gonna do that” when you ask her if she cleaned out her car. Yeah, right. But other than that she is generous, kind, never raises her voice, calm, neutral, etc etc. The thing about her that I resent the most is her attention seeking behavior. She stole so much from my kids over the years. She would try to steal their friends. At birthday parties for my daughters, she would somehow manage to lure all the kids into her room and I’d find my daughter alone on the couch and all the kids in my SD’s room! What??? My father was visiting from out of state recently and she somehow managed to get him to take time to come see him at her work. My beef about this is, my dad lives 3,000 miles away and was only in town for 6 days. Many of us wanted to spend time with him. But she feels that he should take time away from his family and go see her? My kids would never expect her grandmother to take time away from her to visit them. They understand the connection. My dad hadn’t spent hardly any time with my own kids because they had to work and this was a time frame that they would be available. The thing is she constantly does things like this. She is extremely needy and has horrible boundaries. Now that my kids are grown, I resent her because I feel like she caused me so much time away from my kids, focused on her shenanigans. I feel that she knew what she was doing and it was her extreme jealousy of my kids that caused her to be forever trying to steal the show. If I had understood this then, I would have called her on the carpet much sooner. I didn’t know how to handle it then. She still does stuff like this. She acts all calm and quiet but she is always plotting her next attention-seeking endeavor. I have a million examples. It’s an everyday obsession with her. I don’t really like her at all. It’s sad.
This is so scary! You sound just like me talking about my step daughter, but she’s only 5!!! Ahhh! The thing is, all around she is a sweet kid and she never means to bother anyone, but I want to say she can’t help herself… At least I hope she can’t. She lies about EVERYTHING! The scariest part is the part about your kids grandfather… My mom came last month when my daughter was born to help me out… She couldn’t even give me a hand when I needed her bc of my step daughter. I try really hard, but I’m at the point where I resent myself and I feel like I must be a sorry excuse for a woman bc I can’t stand her for longer than 5 minutes.
One more example. She barely passed high school. She wound up in community college, which she dropped out of. My kids were at the university. People would come over and ask my kids what they were majoring in. My kids hadn’t decided or were kind of vague “maybe become a teacher, not sure”. When they’d get to my SD, she would say her major was Marine Biology. Marine Biology! All heads would turn towards her and people would Ooohh and Aahhhh. She dropped out of junior college due to failing grades. She knew she was never going to be a marine biologist. But like I said, anything to outshine my kids.
That would really upset me…especially the part where she has carelessly taken so much away from your time with family! How upsetting that she deliberately sneaks in more time at the expense of others! I’m pretty sure that when my SD is a teen, she will do exactly the same. She is also a pathological liar and we have tried unsuccessfully for 3 years to teach her cause & effect, consequence, and even “natural consequences.” I’ve even read her books and Bible stories that show morals and how our actions impact others but every time, she just looks at me with a blank stare and says, “I don’t get it.” I truly believe she does NOT get it. She got home from school 2 hours late one day and talked my adult neighbor into bringing her to the door so she “wouldn’t get in trouble.” Another time, instead of coming home, she went straight to my next door neighbor’s house and told him she couldn’t get in her house because I had “locked all the doors on her.” It wasn’t until after he hobbled over on his crutches to ring my doorbell and tell me what she said, that I realized the extent of her lying to make us look horrible! Why in the world would she do such a thing?? So, she was AGAIN 2 hours late after school so my husband told her she could go straight to her room and not have dinner. She freaked out, opened the windows of her room so the neighbors could hear, and started screaming, “NO! Please don’t make me sleep outside!! I don’t deserve to sleep outside! Please help me!” I’m like WHAAAAT!??? The next time, she was 3 hours late and just casually walked through the door and said, “I know. No dinner for me, right?” We said, No it’s not that easy. She suddenly opened the front door so the neighbors could hear and screamed, “No!! Please don’t hurt me! Please just ground me for 3 months! That’s all I ask…just ground me for 3 months! I won’t do it again! Please!” It sounded horrible and I’m surprised the cops didn’t come! It’s all acting and lying and the most horrible form of deceit! So, we did ground her like she “wanted” but on the first day of being grounded, she opened her bedroom window and yelled outside, “Why?! What is this all about? What did I do to deserve this?!” My husband went in her room, calm, and ready to explain to her again that there are consequences for her actions and decisions. Sadly, his dream in life has always been to teach his own child about life. Before he could even open the door, she ran and barricaded it, still screaming, “Don’t hurt me! Don’t beat me up!” Because of that, I don’t believe it’s as simple as “attention-getting” behavior. She has his attention way too often! On top of all this, she has absolutely no compassion for others and I cannot teach her kindness. I’m convinced there is just no way to teach this child. I’m also convinced her biomom is to blame for her poor morals and late start in understanding social/family dynamics. She’s a convicted felon who uses and frauds everyone around her, including stealing $15,000 from an elderly woman. Unfortunately, she raised this child for the first 7 years.
This ppl are awful. Im married now with 3kids with me when I meet my husband . To this day my husband doesn’t really love nor care about my kids. He doesn’t help me financially. Everything is his version what’s mine is mine what yours is ours . I’m sick of these kind of ppl ( yes , I know what you guys thinking why not divorce him well.,we almost did but stupidly still play big roll in my life but learn to admit and accept. But I do know the kids learn to pay attention . Like I said my husband will regret it down the road when these kids are grown . He will be sorry that he didn’t give himself a chance to be a parent( he does have kids his own & I can’t have any kids anymore) I wish those step parents out there will act like a parent with no pretense . You know from the start your significant other have children
Oh my gosh, I am SO glad I came across this site and know that I’m not being a horrible or petty person for not wanting to take on the responsibility of full time parenting of my live in BF’s four (yes, four!) kids. His ex is trying to dump all of them on us, one already lives here, which isn’t too surprising since she’s managed to get someone else to take them every since she’s had them, but I do not want to be a full time parent to his kids. First, we aren’t even married so they aren’t even considered my stepchildren and secondly his “brilliant” idea of us working different shifts so we can do “tag team” parenting makes me want to run away. I’m here because I love him, deal with his one kid being here because its a fact of life — and already feel like I’m taking on the primary parenting role (unwillingly) with that one…I sure as hell don’t want to do that with a four kids that have had little parenting and are out of control. He (my BF) makes me feel horrible — that I should work with him on it because I’m his GF and love him…WTH? I’m his girlfriend NOT his live in babysitter and I’m already doing most of the parenting for one of his kids so he doesn’t have to pay for daycare. I’m frustrated, feel like I’m being cornered and made to feel bad over something that isn’t my responsibility, and I’m really upset that he was presumptuous enough to try to put that on me. I have children too, one is grown and one is at his dads this school year, and I would NEVER decide I could drop daycare and have him be my daycare solution…I was a single mom for a lot of years and never dropped the ball on my responsibility to my kids, whether someone was in the picture or not.
In reading this post and comments, and looking around me, I’m starting to think that these single dads assume the woman they are with will assume the role of mother to their children — taking over the responsibilities for their children — because they somehow think thats a woman’s role…even if they aren’t her children. and I care about his kids, as his kids, but have no desire to raise them or become substitute mom to them. I feel guilty because we, as women, were mostly taught to be maternal and nurturing — but inside I have no feelings of being either toward children that I didn’t take part in bringing into this world or intend on raising Its a really hard situation, its causing huge amounts of tension in our relationship and I’m afraid it will end it because he’s so adament about having them all move in here (to our 2 bedroom apartment)…but I know I would be completely miserable with them all here — out of control and not listening to, or respecting, me. I’m so sad tonight because it was the subject of another blow out today and he all but told me if I didn’t like it I could leave… so much for that huge love he claims to have for me. I’m sick about this, I really do love him and want a life together but if it don’t know if being miserable having to deal with four kids that aren’t mine to raise, mostly by myself, for the next 8 to10 years is something I care to do. Now I feel like I have to choose between being miserable or being alone — tho ironically he couldn’tI have them here if I were to leave, at least not until he found someone else to bring into the home to take care of them — and I never thought I would be in this situation.
I’m so glad to read I’m not alone in my frustration and confusion over this…I’m so sorry any of you are going thru the same type of feelings and situations, its horrible…and I hope you have more support, respect and consideration from your husbands than I do from this man I fell in love with, uprooted myself to be with, and feel so put upon by over this new issue of whether I stay and raise his kids or have to say goodbye to him to avoid. I so don’t want to but I am here as his partner, lover, mate — I didn’t sign on to raise a group of children that I didn’t bring into this world…didn’t know being with him was conditional on being his kids parent full time….and I don’t want to spend the next decade of my life (if I’m lucky enough to have a decade of life to go) feeling put out and taken advantage of as a free childcare service.
Thank you all for your comments here…it makes me feel like I’m maybe not such a horrible person after all for standing up enough to say “no” to something I so do not want to do.
Myself and my fiance found out a few months ago that his 15 year old son was out drinking and smoking weed. As I would expect my fiance handled it or should I say did not handle it. He was told not to hang around with a few kids that seemed to be the bad influences (not like they forced him) but he did not get grounded for one day. I recently found out that he might be hanging around with this one guy again so told my fiance and as usual he got so offended, thinking that I am just trying to get my step son in trouble. He doesn’t see that I am trying to be his partner and that as his father I thought he might want to know so he can keep an eye out and make sure he is not getting into trouble. It happens every time I bring up anything about his son. He never sees the good in it, he just thinks I am trying to accuse his son or call him down. When he was 11 or 12 I noticed that he was never washing his hands. That’s something that you learn at an early age so I tried to stress the importance to my step son but he still did not listen so I talked to my fiance about it and he accused my of calling his son a dirt bag. I don’t know how much more I can take. I either have to shut up and just put up with how my fiance does things or constantly fight. Like I said my step son is 15 and can go out and drink with no consequences but he doesn’t even have to do a dish in our house. He does nothing, has absolutely no chores. He leaves after school and comes home in the night expecting his supper cooked and the sick thing is my fiance keeps his supper there for him. Is it normal for a 15 year old to get away with doing so little or is that the way things are these days? My fiance obviously thinks its ok but it sickens me. He should be a part of the household as well which means pitching in and learning some responsibilities. Sometimes he gets up before us in the morning and will be out in the kitchen while our two cats bawl to get fed but he won’t even so much as think about feeding them. I don’t blame my step son… yes I think he is lazy and spoiled but my fiance allows him to be that way. I can’t say anything and I am a bitch. I have no idea how to deal with this anymore.
You hit the nail on the head: your stepson is the way he is because his father has allowed him to be that way. Unfortunately, he’s not doing your SS any favors. He’ll grow into a helpless man.
I am so releaved to read this posting and know that I am not the only one feeling this way. I started to feel horrible for a few months, but thank you ladies.I deal with a simular situations but it is more complicated. My bf of 6 yrs takes care of 2 girls and we have a 9 month old son. Before that everything was do able, but then all the rsentment began. It is difficult being around them now that I have my son, or since he was growing in me things chaged ALOT. Mostly due to their bitter biomom. How to deal with this in a rational way?
You’ve got two problems on your hands: resentful stepchildren and a bitter BM. I have found that the best way to deal with resentful children is to do the “stepmom stepback”. Let your DH take the lead in parenting and pull back a little emotionally. It keeps YOU from being resentful for doing so much for them and trying to develop a relationship with them and getting attitude and/or bad behavior in return. And, it forces your DH to step up to the plate and see all that you and BM do for the kids (it’s a great eye opener for most dads). Keep your interactions with the kids friendly and always speak highly of their mother no matter what. Need to get to soccer practice? Dad can take you. Need your clothes washed this weekend? Dad can help you. Want to go to the movies tomorrow? I’m sure Dad would love it! While the rules of your house still apply, Dad takes the lead. It’s a win/win until everyone is ready to move on to a more positive and productive relationship.
As far as a resentful BM is concerned, the best was to deal with her is to NOT deal with her. Let DH do all the interacting with BM. Let him shield you from the slings and arrows. If they get into an argument, you don’t need to know about it. If she says unkind things about you, you don’t need to know about that either. Remember that she has no power in your home, just as you have no power in hers. Don’t let her resentfulness get in the way of your happiness!
These are just my personal opinions and experiences. I’d love to hear what everyone else has done or is doing.
Thanks…I have tried many of the above, the only parenting i do is feed them and help keep a roof over their heads. I will also ask them to clean up their rooms and wash the dishes they use. Nothing more! but I think there is something more that can be done to stop the madness. If I rewind a bit, the oldest child is not his biochild. He meet BM with her when she was 6month old and the other he is not sure because when BM gets upset she would tell him she is not his kid. Now why would anyone do this to a man, who takes care of your children, especially 1 who is not his biologically? Before our son came along these were the sweetest kids unitil their BM poisened their mind by telling them “look how your dad is ruining your lives” REALLY. BM also had a child a few months before our son. Was that not ruining thier lives, having a third child by a third man, you already can’t take care of alone because the father left? Do you think if the girl knew that man she lives with, who has been taking care of her is doing her a favor she would stop being so resentful and disrespectful? Why are they not telling her the truth she is about to be 17. He love these girls very much and BM knows this so now that has a section 8 apt she tries to keep the girls away to hurt him and it is working. Our relationship is getting so drained by all of this I am considering taking our son and getting my own place. I really cannot deal with the disrespect. I love my man but if thoses girls cant get it together why do I have to deal with it and have my son grow up thinking they are his siblings. I know I went off the issue, but I’m assuming you can advise, your post are very thoughtful.
As a step daughter after 30yrs whose step Mother still does not love her…It hurts…It has always been yours, ours, and mine…Theirs and hers has always taken presidence. My brother and I have/are/and always will be nothing to her. My brother doesn’t have any children but, I do….It kills me to see the difference in treatment…It still hurts me to this day. But, It isn’t fair to my children. I never really had my dad growing up and my children don’t really have a grandfather. I know he loves us but, he chooses to lets things be the way it always has been. I still keep going back and forth on just dropping all contact for my emotional health…But, I love my dad….I don’t think it is fair to him…I want to see my nieces and nephews(ALL OF THEM ARE STEP NIECES/NEPHEWS EXCEPT MY HALF SISTERS DAUGHTER) I LOVE THEM…No one says you have to love your stepchildren as much as your own. But, Is it really that hard to love them at all?
My first time posting to this site and let me say I am so thankful I ran across this on google. I am a brand new step mom and have no children of my own. I want to be one of those women that automatically falls in love with my husband’s kids but I don’t see it happening. They have a mother who keeps them full time and my husband has visitation every other weekend and one month in the summer. Needless to say that one month is approaching rather quickly and i’m having a slight panic attack. I feel like such a horrible person because i don’t love them. obviously i don’t abuse them or anything and i make sure they are taken care of and eat and what not. What scares me is that my husband expects me to act like i have children when in actuallity i don’t. he does. I enjoy going out and i’m still young enough to do so. I can already see the fights ahead. when i want to go out and he can’t. He’ll say something to the affect of “well, you just don’t want to spend time with my kids.” I feel horrible for saying this but he’s right. I don’t mind spending some time with them but i don’t want to be around them 24/7. i don’t want to be a mom full time before i’m ready and before i have kids of my own. is this completely awful and terrible? Because personally i feel like the most selfish person in the world.
Anyway, i’m so glad i found this site and please don’t judge me.
Everyone’s story is different. Some stepmoms immediately fall in love with their stepchildren. For others, it happens over time and for more than a few, it never happens at all. Just because you don’t love them doesn’t mean you won’t care for them. Many stepmoms take on the “cool aunt” or “big sister” role with their stepchildren, which works better for them than trying to be the “other mother”. You’ll settle into a groove with them over time. You can’t force love, but you can build a relationship in which there is mutual respect.
OMG Felicia! I’m pretty sure we must be married to the same person. We’ve almost been married a year and for the longest time i thought I was some kind of selfish monster because there were times that I dreaded his daughter coming over. She is 6 years old and she has a great mom that I get along really well with. And that’s the thing, she HAS a mother, a good one, but it’s me! My husband expects me to act like I have a child as well, but I don’t. I’m actually on the s**tlist right now because I didn’t want to come straight home from work today and go out to watch a movie with them, the same movie we watched last Friday, just at a different location. We keep her every Friday and Friday and Saturday every other weekend. Needless to say, I dread the long weekends. Because even if my husband has to work all day all weekend, he expects me to be excited to babysit his child all weekend and it’s causes a huge blowup, a cussing and the silent treatment for me if I say that I would like to do otherwise. She is a pretty good kid and sometimes I do like to spend time with her, but the more my husband forces me to be a mom, the more I resent her. It’s not really the kid I guess, it’s the father. He gives into her anytime she whines for anything and he calls her “the baby.” if he’s talking about her, he never says her name only “the baby.” maybe it’s just me being difficult but every time I hear him say that I want to smack him. And occasionally I’ve replied with ” hmm, I didn’t know you had a baby.” and I’ve tried calmly and nicely telling him how much this bothers me but his response is “well I don’t know what you want me to do,” ummm, hello!! I’m sorry to have rambled on, but it feels so much better to get all these things off my chest because I obviously can’t try to talk to or work it out with my hubby.
Well, here’s an update on my situation. This makes my previous post seem like I was in heaven. I wrote my first post on 6/19 explaining how my husband’s daughters were staying for a month in the summer. Well as of 6/20 the day after my initial post, my husband’s son (different mom) was taken away from his mom by CPS. So needless to say my stepson stayed with us Wednesday and Thursday and we found out for certain what was going to happen on Friday. Officially, my stepson is now living us full time now. I cannot say this is the life I hoped for. I really thought my husband and I would have more time with just us. I’ve now gone from no children to having a 6 year old all in a matter of an hour. We were so adjusted to being able to come and go as we pleased and I can already start to feel a change in our relationship. My husband has started almost babying his son, which he does not do for his daughters at all. I can’t help but to assume it’s because of the situation he came from but I don’t think its right. There are rules in our household and children have to abide by them or they get in trouble. I feel bad because right now I am only dealing with this because I have too. I’m missing being able to go out with my husband to happy hour or catch a movie after work. I’ve actually considered going to the doctor for some anti-anxiety medication. Even after knowing what my stepson went through I don’t think I can love him as my own and it seems he has no desire to know or consort with me at all anyway. Some of the looks SS gives me has scared me slightly. I know that sounds crazy but he will give me kind of deranged looks when DH isn’t looking. I’m at my wits end and really have no idea how to permanently accept the fact that SS will be living with us full time. My mother advised me to just be happy about it because I’ve already made my decision but I can’t seem to grasp that yet and friends have said that this is just what comes from marrying a man with children but it’s not a normal situation for a mother to have her child taken away by CPS. Can anyone relate? I really just need to talk to people who won’t judge me for how I feel.
Felicia, I relate with you completely! I am also bothered by raising my SD full time since she was also taken away from her mother. When we first got married, I was under the impression we would have her in the summers and visitations. BUT, instead, her biomom decided to get arrested for felony fraud in 2 different states and is currently on probation. After 2 years of 100% responsibility for her and only 10 days of visits from her mom, she is finally spending this summer with her mom. It’s our first break in 2 years and it’s been SUCH a relief! But, I’m depressed about her coming back. I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN about the deranged looks…my SD does that to me several times a day and it really ruins every fun thing we try to do as a “family.” We try to spend time and play games with her but she always cheats and manipulates so I can’t even pretend to be having fun with her. She sets a very negative tone around us and I’m really depressed that we will have her full time for the next 10 years. BTW, I did go to the doctor and got anti-anxiety meds, which is something I have never done before and never thought I would. We’ll see if it helps me at least tolerate this situation when she returns from summer break. 😦
I also have stepchildren who’s mother is not in the picture. My two stepdaughters mother lives in another state 1500 miles away. Se’s han’t seen them in two years. They call me mom and they don’t even talk to her on the phone anymore. If you read my post right under this you will see that these kids are ruining my life!!!! I wish I felt differently, but I don’t. Most days I think about moving out unless it’s the rare occation when me and my husband are getting along. This blended family is a nightmare. I have no clue how to deal with it. We’ve even gone to counciling…..didn’t help. Let me know if you come up with anything. I hate my life the way it is now. I’m so in love with my husband, but I can’t deal with his kids anymore!!!
I’ve been struggling with these feelings for a long time now, it’s nice to see others are feeling the same way. My husband has a daughter from a woman he barely knew. They got married soon after she found out she was pregnant and divorced 3 years after. Her mother is very manipulative and just outright nasty with name calling to my husband when they talk. She uses her daughter to get more money (If you don’t send me extra money on top of the child support we already pay I won’t let you talk to your daughter). If he refuses she will call him a bad father, which really upsets him. It breaks my heart to see him get hurt by her so often. We already pay a huge amount of child support (over $900 per month) and we also pay for her health and dental insurance.
Whenever my husband and his daughter talk I try to put on a happy face and be supportive but inside I can’t help but think of her mother and how much I dislike her. She’s a sweet child and I like her a lot but I can’t seem to separate her from her mother. I feel like such a terrible, selfish person for not being able to just love her outright.
Thank you for this post!!! I absolutely hate being a stepmother. My husband’s kids are 4 & 6. Their mother coddles them to the point of ridiculous and they are so whiny. I have 2 kids of my own, ages 7 & 13 and they can’t stand to be around their stepbrother/sister. My husband & I married last year after dating for 8 months. I knew he had kids and I tried to be a good stepmom. Firstly, I must say that I cannot disassociate the kids from their mother who has put us all through hell. When DH and I got together, she cyberstalked me and lied to everyone in our community, calling me his “mistress” and that I was a “homewrecker”. Both of those things were lies. We were both divorced when we got together. I am a writer and last April she stalked my writing blog and got me kicked out of the writing group b/c she called me a homewrecker and wrote my editor saying that I broke up a family. My editor apologized to me saying that they could not afford to look unprofessional and that I could come back once my personal life got back to normal. How embarrassing! I have not been able to write a word since. I was and am just mortified. To make things worse, she has taken us to court 6x this year alone trying to get every penny she can out of my husband. This year we suffered a major loss: our son died. He was stillborn. I cannot be around his kids because I see them as an extension of HER. I got out of the hospital on a Thursday and DH had to pick up his kids the next day. I was so in shock/grieving that when my Skids started arguing, I told him to take his little brats and get them the hell out of my house. He took them to his mom’s house to give me some peace. I was on Xanax and in pain from giving birth and the last thing I needed was to have them around. They made it worse. The day we buried our little boy, she sent me a text saying that it was karma that my son died and that he never really mattered because he never took a breath. After all of that I started getting panic attacks to the point where I’d break out in hives whenever they had to come over and I’d go into my walk in closet and cry. I’m usually the most put-together person, but losing my son really changed me. I held onto my biokids even tighter and pushed my Skids away. My SD is such a self-centered brat. There, I said it! For X’mas last year, I spent a lot of money on toys and she complained about everything we bought her. I bought her a Tangled Barbie b/c she likes the movie and it wasn’t the singing one she wanted, so she threw it across the room! My DH had to remove her from the room and tell her that it was rude to behave that way. My Skids have no table manners–they eat like pigs at a trough. Also, they don’t say “please” or “thank you” like my kids do. My SD reminds me of Veruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory! (I want it NOW!!!!) 2 months after losing our little boy my husband’s work laid off 50% of the workforce and we barely scraped by. He was just offered a job 600 miles away and we move next week!!! I feel like the dark cloud has finally lifted. The kids’ mother took my husband to court this week and complained that he was only taking him for 1 week each summer. We can’t afford to take them more than that. He doesn’t have vacation earned yet and she already gets 50% of his paycheck. I have my 2 kids to feed and care for, so we can’t afford to put his kids in daycare. The judge asked her why she was demanding that DH take the kids for a month & she said, ‘I need the break.” He just laughed at her and told her straight out that you can’t force visitation. I’m honestly done with all of the drama. I can’t deal with the kids anymore or her. I am whistling a happy tune as I pack boxes this week!
I wont judge you as I am in a very similar situation – My partner of 7 years has recently gained custody of his two children a daughter 12 and a son 11. The mother, whom he divorced 7 years ago, remarried and moved to the other end of the country so I only met these children twice on very fleeting visits. Last year she divorced her new husband and got with a man accused of biting his twin children in a previous relationship – she refused to leave him and so although no harm had come two my partners children social services removed them and my partner said he would take them – didn’t even discuss it with me as he said the decision had to be made there and then. One month later they where here and my life has been a living hell since. I am 49 years old have a 30 year old daughter and 2 grandsons and really don’t want this at my age (my BF is 45) I feel evil as I don’t want them here and although I wash, cook and look after their needs I can’t stand being around them I am even beginning to hate my BF for doing this to me but I am financially stuck and even though I have explained to him I don’t love them and never will he seems to think I should take on the mother role as I knew he had children – granted I did but I didn’t sign up for this and even after 6 months things are getting worse not better – I spend most of my time when they are here in my little office (box room ) trying to stay out of the way . The daughter looks just like a carbon copy of his ex and is bigger than I am which I find very uncomfortable and she always looks unkempt and dirty. The boy is lazy – not very bright and still wets the bed – I seem to be the only one who has a problem with this but then again I do all the washing. My BF ex mother and father in-law are also in my life now has they have the children when we are at work but they also think I should look after these children when I am home and my BF is at work – I disagree they are not my children I have my child and grandsons and I rarely get to see them now due to this situation I don’t want any part of this or them – I know it sounds harsh but I struggle to look at either of them and my relationship is now nothing but arguments and long silences. Just recently my partner has started to get aggressive towards me, telling me that this is their home too now and I should grow up and just get on with it – I feel like crying I can’t afford to move as all my money is tied up in the lease on this house all the furniture is mine (he had nothing when we got together and we only moved in here 18 months before this all began – prior to that we lived separately. I could just about manage on my own with the bills but he won’t move. I hate them and my life. I just can’t believe that 6 months ago I was happy in my little world and although it may be easy for a man to take on another mans child, their life doesn’t really change but when a woman has to take on another woman’s children her work load increases more housework – washing – cooking – no more going out because of the children’s needs. It just doesn’t seem fair. All I can advise is that if you intend taking up with a man with children make sure you can live with them because one day you may have to!!!!!! IF NOT RUN LIKE THE WIND X
I would make HIS life and his kids life so HORRIBLE he WILL move out. Then you can stay in the house without the brats. I say the same thing..RUN like hell…do NOT get with men who have kids..its always nightmare…Just be a complete BEOTCH and he will leave…Its an idea….
I am so happy to have found this site! I have always done my best for my Stepkids- everything from field trips to classroom parties, volunteering for whatever needed to be done at school b/c their bio-mom would not do it.
They refer to me as “mom”, yet they act as though I’m non-existent when we’re at home.
The only time they speak to me is when they want something.
Their mother has all the traits of narcissism. They are 16 and 12 yr old boys now, however, when the older one was only 9 I kept catching him on those pornography web-sites ( we since installed the parental protection) and the younger son, at 8 yrs of age forged his parents signature for school assignments, his report card this summer said that he is ” selfish and entitled”. I was so happy that his teacher was honest enough to say that. I was trying to get that point across to my husband for many yrs…her words just validated what I had been saying all along. I try my best to give them a nice lunch with a good snack, yet they have the gaul to come back to tell me- ” You’re not giving me enough to eat for lunch! My mom puts way more meat and cheese in my sandwich!”.
It really upsets me. And my husband never says anything.
Maybe they’re still hungry? Has it occurred to you that they might really not be getting enough to eat? When I was a kid, one of the most miserable experiences was not having enough at lunch – I’d get hungry immediately after and my stomach would hurt all day and it would make it difficult to focus. A growing boy might really need more food. When I was in high school I had to tell my parents to give me more to eat.
Oh god thank you for letting me find this! I’m still very young and in university but I have met the man of my dreams already, you know when you just know you’re meant to be together and everything clicks into place perfectly. My only problem, he has a son.
I felt horrible like an evil woman before for feeling so jealous but I’m not so much jealous of the son, I’m jealous I’ll never give my boyfriend what the kids mother did, I’ll never give him the first child and on top of that she was alot of firsts for him, he told me about them getting their house together and looking around and deep down I feel like while I’d be thrilled and excited about doing my own things, he’d never feel the same way.
I also worry I won’t like the child because I’ll just think of the kids mother, and anyone I’ve tried to talk to about this has just said I’m so immature and spiteful and evil, It’s so nice to find somewhere people feel the same, don’t get me wrong I would NEVER hurt a child, and I would look after him if I had to but I don’t think I’d love him.
Fortunately, the mother never lets my boyfriend see his child or its very rare, so for now I can relax, I just worry in the future when we settle down and his kids older he’ll start deciding to stay with us anyway,
Again thank you so much for this topic! It’s so good to have said that now!
My husband had two sons when I met him. I had no kids yet. Well, we had two more kids. Bio mom was NEVER in the picture. I can honestly say that my husband loved ALL his kids..but he has always had a special bond for MY kids…My son was the first child he saw born…since he was in the service and missed both of the other births…Also my daughter was his ONLY girl..out of 3 boys…So don’t worry about him having a child already…My husband loved me…never really loved his ex girlfriend who he had the two boys with….so that matters…a LOT…All the kids are in their 30’s now…all very close and since I did not have bio mom around..I raised them like my own…If bio mom would have been around I would NEVER have gotten with this man. Way too much drama with ex wives and ex baby mama’s with all the drama…I would RUN and run VERY fast if bio mom is in the picture.
Thank you for this post! I have been with my husband for 6 years and he has a 9 year old son from a very casual (10 day) previous relationship. They gave it a go for a year but it didn’t work. His son stayed with him and BM moved away. Since then she has moved home, abroad, home again and is now talking of leaving again, all the while the son lived with my husband (and latterly me also). I don’t have any children.
the BM talks to anyone who will listen about what an amazing Mum she is (we live in a small town) and the annoying thing is people seam to believe her. She spent 2 years where she didn’t buy him a single Christmas or birthday gift. She has never given us a single penny towards his care, but buys him school shoes and made such a song and dance about how great she is.
The problem is, I cant help but feel this is effecting my relationship with my SS. I don’t love him. He’s polite, works hard at school, is very funny and sweet. HOWEVER, just him being near me frustrates me. My Husband works shifts so I do a lot of the childcare and I feel resentment that I’m stuck doing the childcare whilst he Mun (currently in the same town) is just doing whatever she likes. My Husband appreciates what I do, but I sometimes feel it is expected of me.
I know I’m taking my frustration out on my SS, I try not to, but sometimes I’m so short with him and tell him off for the littlest things. I then feel terrible but can’t seam to stop myself…..
Advise please….. I don’t know what to do.
I feel almost exactly like you do. I don’t feel I should be responsible for child care as my husband’s children are not my own and I’ve told my husband such. But in the end I still end up feeling guilty like this is what should be expected of me and I’m not fulfilling my duties as a wife to my husband. It’s a rough situation and unfortunately, despite all the mean thoughts I’ve had in my head none of them are remotely possible. Plainly, it just sucks.
I loved reading most of these post because i’m in the same boat. Horrible stepkids with little disipline. My husband and I fight a lot because of them and honestly, I’m MISERABLE on a daily basis because of these two children (ages 7 and 3). While we can all agree on the fact that we don’t like or don’t love or just plain hate our stepkids, what in the hell can we do about it????? I have told my husband many times that I can no longer do this. He just brushes me off and says, “I’ll be harder on them. things will get better, I promise”. I’ve been hearing this for two years. I love my husband more than I have ever loved anyone. I know my world would be a complete mess if I left him, but I feel like I would get over it sooner or later. If I stay I will be miserable for years and years because of these kids. I’m at a total loss.
Every situation is different, but the undercurrent always seems to be the same. I’m a bio mom and a step mom. I love my husband, but did not automatically feel maternal toward my step daughters. In many ways he expected me to feel that way immediately and was offended when I didn’t– but I just didn’t. In any case, by default my instincts eventually kicked in and I immediately began taking care of them as a good mother does. The intent for me was never to “take over”, but to try and fill in the tremendous gaps in basic things like hygiene, manners, clothing, appearance, nutrition, cleanliness/organization….ALL of it.
There are times when the children leave and I feel emotionally and physically sucked dry because of their desperate need for maternal nurturing and attention. My husband recognizes it as well.
My husband’s ex wife is a highly insecure, highly incompetent “mother” who does not have even a basic sense of how to care for children. She of course had a jealous fit, claiming I was trying to replace her–yet she herself never bothered to do anything, or pay attention to the children at all. Effectively, she wants the title without the actual responsibility. She wants to be called “mom” because she carried 2 children, but she does absolutely nothing except manipulate, lie, connive and tell the children how she was somehow the “victim”–even after almost a decade has passed since the divorce. Her “off time” is spent coming up with ways to disrupt and cause problems when the children are with us. I tell my husband it feels like having the worst kind of enemy and they have a free pass to stay in your life. If you had a friend who behaved in such a toxic way you’d drop them and never speak to them again…change your number, email, even your address–whatever! Not so easy here.
It’s important for divorced bio parent (I’m one of those too) to clearly understand that when their former spouse moves on, it’s not his/her job, or the new spouse’s job (aside from being a totally insensitive jerk with no common sense) to walk on eggshells and manage your personal perceptions, insecurities and baggage. To all the bio mom’s out there who “hate” the step mom: if you feel jealous of the children’s great relationship with the step mom, maybe you should focus on yourself and strengthening your relationship with your children as the first course of action, rather than lashing out at the other parent.
Every adult needs to be responsible for themselves and their own feelings–how else can we teach children (step or otherwise) not to grow up pointing fingers, playing the victim and blaming any/everyone else? It’s a license to avoid taking responsibility for yourself, ever. I see my oldest step daughter taking on her bio mom’s behavior….it’s always someone else’s fault, never hers, lying to avoid taking responsibility, sneaking–because she sees that it’s easier to just shift the blame. My husband is very tuned in and corrects her without too much drama, even when she tried to put on the fake “daddy’s little girl” performance.
The Bio parent also has to be consistent when it comes to demanding that the child/ren respect the step-parent–PERIOD. I can’t stress that enough.
From my vantage point I have seen proof of the adage “actions speak louder than words”. Kids: bio, step, adopted…doesn’t matter–are WATCHING you, your actions, your consistency. Eventually they’re going to move out. 🙂 Don’t lose yourself in the process.
That is the KEY…BM must stress respect for the SM…or BM’s kids are going to turn out to be huge messes…It is usually the BM who sets the stage for her kids to disprespect the SM while she laughs about it….You seem like you would be a GREAT BM to have around IF…I had any Step kids…which I will NEVER EVER do….unless the BM was no longer in the picture like DEAD
Oh WOW what a freshing web sit. A web site that wont judge step mums! I was passed this site by a very good friend who is also a step mum. If you are ever lucky enough to have a friend in the same situation its a great comfort to know that you are not alone, that your not a horrid person, but we did think we were the only two in the world! We meet reguarly to moan and off load, to have a cry, to have a cuddle and we most certainly do not judge each other.
I have been in a relationship now for 6 years, he has 3 girls I have 2 boys all of who live with us permanenly. The girls Mum has nothing to do with them (very odd speration). So I have to be the be all and end all to all of them. His girls are 26, 22 and 14 now. The older two are refusing to leave home and cause constant arguments and put great strain on our relationship. They interfer and run my house, Im not allowed to do things or run things the way I want. The 14 year old is tolerable when her older siblings are not interfering. When I have my sensible head on I can see where all their torment must come from. But that does not make it any easier to live with. I care for them, but I hold my hands up in that I do not have, and cant form any kind of, unconditional bond that I have with my two boys. I dont rub their nose in it, but its there… that my boys do come first, I love them and I cant form that relationship with his girls. I have highs and lows of normal parenting with my boys. I only seem to have constant lows with his girsl.
To make a difficult situation worse I do feel that as a result of their estranged relationship with their Mum they dont seem to be capable of forming any kind of relationship with me. Im ok for money, days out and skivving and taking it all out on when they’ve had too much. They do nothing around the house to help, I work full time from home and they seem to think that my presence means that I have nothing better to do than pick up after them. I have little backing from their father who thinks they can do as they wish because he feels sorry for them. So trying to instill values and rules has just gone out of the window. I constantly ask myself why Im still here, I knew he had children, he knew I had them. At the time we moved in the older two were going to stay at his old house, but they had a bad argument, trashed the house and he had to move them in with us. As a result we had to take on a bigger house, more debt and large mortgage. I felt sorry for them at the time, angry girls with good reasons. But, and its a big but, still no easier to live with.
I can relate to Felicia, good reasons to have them with you but still difficult to accept these changes in your life, although yours are more sever reasons than mine. I wish I could say it gets easier but I feel that every day I’ve turned from Mary Poppins (I can do this I love my own children I can love them) to Curella de Vil.
My only advise I can offer is, if you love your husband and you love him a lot, and he supports you then you can do this goether. You shouldn’t be left to deal with things on your own. There will be good days and bad days or days that are just more tolerable than others. You dont have to tell him in detail how you feel, as this is his son after all. But to say you are stuggling and this is not how you saw your life together, perpahs even think about suggestions and ways forward so that he feels its not an ambush.
I can only speak how I wish I had handled it as Ive let his children spoil everything for us by not speaking up sooner. Now Im just seen as the bitch from hell who does nothing but moan and Im taking it out on my two lovely boys who deserve better from their Mum
Don’t feel bad. I’m pretty much known as the bitch from hell too. So at least we’re there together.
isn’t that the most wonderful label?! no matter how much crap I have dealt/deal with, and how much I have sacrificed taking care of someone else’s child…still smacked with the B-word label. ooh…we are just awful….
I am 56 years old and my husband don’t understand that I don’t want to entertain his 15 year old daughter with kid games. I have a life too. Whenever she is around treats me like the child and more like she is his wife. He talks down ro me in front o her and looks at her for her approval. He waste money have for bills on her and she knows that she gets her way. Everytime she comes over we get into a hugh fight. He feels like she shouldn’t help out around the house and I am to wait on her hand and foot. I’m to the point I don’t want her to come to our home anymore. The older she gets, she is taking advantage of it. She tells people and me that whatever she wants, she gets.
Hello all! I’m a 28 year girl from Brazil and I wanna thank you all so much for your stories. I’ve met this guy 6 years ago, he had a 2 year old son. He was in love with me and wanted a relationship. I didn’t want it ’cause of the kid. I was then 22 and I didn’t want that much baggage for me. We’ve become very good friends, but somehow he’s always liked me. Now I see myself liking him more and more and started thinking about starting a relationship with him. The only issue? The 8 year-old kid. I started imagining how my life would be with an ex-wife and a kid every weekend in the picture. He’s a greaaaaaaaat guy and is crazy about me, but reading all these stories just made me see that I rather end up alone than in this type of relationship. I want a traditional family. Two people fall in love, marry for the 1st time, have kids on their own and that’s it. Maybe I’m selfish, but I haaaate the fact that 1/3 of his salary goes to the ex-wife for support. I work very hard for my money and I would just hate to spend it on someone else’s kid… What about travelling? How could I buy the kid a plane ticket, food, etc? No, I don’t want it. I really like his father, but I don’t even wanna start anything with him ’cause I don’t want this for me. I want my weekends to be mine, I wanna be alone with my bf, I wanna be able to move towns, I wanna be FREE! I can never love this kid as I would love my own, plain and simple. I would always resent him… I have told him that, that girls are raised thinking they’re gonna be the princess, not the stepmother, that I don’t think I would ever be ok with being second in everything. I get that the kid is his priority (and it should be!), but I want to be my bf’s priority, I’m sorry! I don’t wanna lose my freedom, my money, my time with anyone but my own kids.. Someone in here said something that made a lot of sense to me. Animals don’t adopt other’s, they are left alone. Maybe this is my instinct to protect the kids I wanna have…. I’m not saying this kid doesn’t deserve all the love of the world, but I just can’t be the one to give him that. Many of you also said “don’t marry a guy with kids, RUN!” and that’s what I wanna do. I’m not even IN a relation with him and I’m already resenting him.. This will be for the best, even for the kid! Thank you again for the stories, you may have saved me from a miserable life!! 😀
Good for you! I’m happy to hear that someone has the instinct to run before it’s too late! Once you decide that you want a guy so bad that you are willing to “settle” and compromise yourself, it becomes too late after you realize you would be much more at peace being alone! I absolutely cannot stand my hard earned money going to someone else’s kid, especially when the BM doesn’t pay for anything! I worked hard to get through college and spent years in the military in order to provide for my own kids. I sacrificed because it’s the right thing to do for your OWN kids. If some other BM doesn’t want to do the same for her own kids, I shouldn’t be expected to pick up her slack. Why would I be expected to sacrifice and work hard for the BM who doesn’t even want to support her own? Unlike you, it’s too late for me. Now, I’m supposed to “enjoy” cheating my own kids who I worked hard for my whole life in order to support a very ungrateful SD, along with her felon BM! Believe me, it becomes almost impossible to look at the kid as your man’s kid. Instead, you will always see him as “HER” kid. Like you said, it’s for the best…for you and the kid. Take as long as you need to find someone without a kid. The wait will be worth it.
Thank you so much for your words.. I really believe it was fate that made me find this site.. I’m glad I made this choice now and not when it’s too late and I’m stuck with other people’s mistakes.. Well, thanks again! I hope u find a better path as well!! We all deserve happiness!!
I can only hope to God that I “find a better path.” I’m beginning to think I’m better off accepting defeat and giving up. My life has become unrecognizable. I don’t want to be stuck with other people’s mistakes. SD is so extremely mean and nasty that I think my only choice is to accept defeat and give up. I’m happy you are able to get away o.k.
Actually, your SD is NOT a mistake to your husband…It was YOUR mistake to marry a man who had a kid…..Not sure why so many people fall in love with the man thinking they are going to love the mans children. Just does not work out that way. I will NEVER EVER go out or date anyone who has kids…except if the mother of these kids are dead. There are very few ex wives who will welcome a step mother and will turn her kids against you every chance she gets. Once in a while you find a decent mom….but rarely. I would rather have a guy with NO kids..even grown ones are huge problems.
Frustr8d,
NEVER give up! We have only one life, we gotta be as happy as we can! I’m sure that if you look inside you, you’ll know what you have to do in order to find happiness. Come on, we’re all good people here! Why shouldn’t we be happy??? Let’s chin up and be good to ourselves!! 😀
For “Thank you:” I appreciate the encouragement…if I’m not mistaken, encouragement is what this site is for…
For “Terry:” I’m sorry you do not know or understand my situation and circumstances. There is no doubt I AM dealing with other people’s mistakes. Mistakes I would never have made myself, yet I am picking up the pieces of their mistakes. It is hurtful for others to judge how/why a person meets another and decides to be in a relationship with them even though they have kids. It really gets old to hear people say, “Why did you marry someone when you knew they had kids?” For that very reason, I struggled with my decision for over 2 years before even getting married.
Apparently you are much “smarter” than all of us since you won’t date a man with kids. BUT, many factors were involved in my decision, including a strong connection I had with DH’s mom who died of breast cancer and a life-threatening brain tumor DH helped me through. Once I found out I needed a craniotomy before the tumor rolled into place causing sudden death, we realized the importance of us getting married and having a relationship.
As for “mistakes,” it’s not as simple as it seems. You can judge others for calling their Skids “mistakes” but in my case, I’m not even referring to her as the mistake. Don’t say things you do not know… DH DOES believe SD was a mistake. The entire situation was truly a mistake. A mistake by both DH and biomom. Other people’s mistake. Not my mistake. DH inarguably made the biggest mistake of his life by believing a person he met online that she was taking the Pill, when in fact, she was trying to find a military man to get her pregnant so she could get money/military benefits for herself and not have to work. This is the third military man she has done this to! DH was so devastated when he found out she was pregnant he thought his life was over. This was a person he hated as she had stolen from him before the one-night stand. He broke up with her before he even knew she was pregnant. 3 months later, she came crawling back with the “news.”
Both before and during her pregnancy, she had him convinced that she had a full-time job. She would get up every morning, get dressed for “work” and have him drop her off at a random building in DC. Later, he discovered she was never employed at all but was using his identity and credit to go wander around DC all day. While pregnant! In order to continue tricking him, she filed a fraudulent tax form that year to make her scam even more convincing to him and she even got a refund when she was never even employed!
Being active duty military, he got orders overseas and wanted to make sure the baby went with him so he told her he is not asking to marry her, but needs to marry her as an arrangement for the baby. While overseas, Biomom was caught shoplifting on the base by hiding items in the baby stroller. At 2 months old, SD spent her first day detained by the police with her mom. She also managed to steal the identity of DH’s first wife and ruined her credit as well. Through all this, DH was a commander–how embarrassing! And what a mistake for him to have taken the risk of inviting this criminal into his life! Not to mention his top secret clearance and hard earned career were in jeopardy because of the credit card fraud by his so-called “wife.” While pregnant, Biomom even wrote a long letter while she was pregnant expressing her mistake in getting pregnant from a one-night stand. She believed it was a mistake because it meant she would never be able to find a man who wants to support her as a single parent with an illegitimate baby. Talk about selfish! She was lucky DH decided to marry her and pay for all her crimes himself. By the time he realized she had stolen both his and his first wife’s identity and over $45K from them, it was too late. They were already married. By the time he discovered the extent of all the identity theft, it was too late…being married to her meant HE was liable for HER debts! See, if he didn’t make the mistake of not using protection, he could have had her arrested and charged with stealing his identity and never would have married her.
So now, mistake after mistake…lie after lie…crime after crime…deceit after deceit…this entire situation WAS a big mistake. I don’t know how anyone can believe that tricking a man into getting pregnant in order to get paid for having a baby and in order to become a military dependent is not wrong and not a mistake. DH should never have had unprotected sex with a person he barely knew. His mistake. Biomom should never have gotten convicted for 3 felonies and had a baby out of wedlock in order to serve her own selfish needs. Her mistake. I am now paying for both his and her mistakes. Not to mention, biomom spent the first 7 years of SD’s life teaching her also how to steal, lie, and deceive. So now I have someone I can never trust living under my own roof.
So you see, this is not your typical “DH had a previous wife and child and now we have a blended family.” This was an “arrangement” made by DH in order to keep the baby with him that he never intended to have in the first place. I struggle with resenting DH for his mistakes and I am sickened that the mistakes of a convicted felon have interfered so severely with my own family.
I’m so glad I have found this. I have been with my fiancé for 3 years now. We have a one year old and he had a 8 and 6 year old from a previous marriage. We used to just see them on weekends and even though it was hard to deal with I dealt with it. They had NO manners, we’re rude, and obviously didn’t like me. Their mom is a drug user has been in trouble for numerous things. Last August we ended up getting both of them thrown on us ( our son was 3 weeks old). And I resent them so much for not getting my own time to spend with my new baby. It was all about them. Me- getting them ready for school, Doing homework, etc. I am still trying to get over this resentment I have for them. I feel horrible but most of the time I don’t want them around. Any thoughts on what may help are appreciated.
Don’t worry. For 4 years, I’ve been going down the same road you are on. I really, really resent that my 9 year old SD has prevented me from having my own time & experience with my newborn. I can’t even have a family with my own baby and my husband because it’s all about her. I even tried to make her feel part of a real family by taking her to my mom’s house. While my mom tried to make her feel special, my SD treated her new step-grandma like a piece of dirt! I really don’t know how to get over the resentment other than knowing others feel the same, and trust me, I get exactly what you are saying!
Today I am depressed…….I have not posted since Feb, and to my knowledge my husband has not see his son since then either. I’ve gone months without dealing with the situation or hearing his name spoke, but last night it happened again. My husband tole me he was taking his son to a concert and asked me if I would join. My response was “NO”. His response was it was becuase I don’t like his son and I said correct, but it’s not that I don’t like his son. It’s the fact that he has one is what I don’t like. Of course my husband never likes hearing when I say this, but if he wanted to be an involved father he would be , right ? Again, the last I was told he hasn’t seen him since Feb so it’s been a great 5 months for me. My mother in law informed me awhile back that his son has moved out of state. He now lives about 45 minutes from our house. It’s makes me happy, becuase even though my husband never reallyl took the time to see him when he lived 20 minutes away, I know now he won’t take the time even more. I have gone 5 months without dealing with this drama for me which is why I think I was taken so off guard. I wanted to crawl in a hole in cry, my stomach is knoted up and I had the “poops” almost all night long over it. We are trying to start our own family and I’ve been living in this little world with the though of our kids only. Then “BAM” with the realization that he has one that is almost 18 years old. I have never hated anything like I HATE this situation. I’ve heard some talk that his son may join the military after high school………I pray at night for this. For him to go away , leave us alone for good and vanish. Is this so wrong ? I’m crying so hard right now, I’m going to stop writing. I’m just so depressed today……
Its just amazing to me that women marry men with kids and then want THAT kid to just go away. WHY marry a man who had kids???? Better to find one that has NONE. If you marry a man with kids those kids will ALWAYS be around…like it or not. If you have problems NOW, why would you even consider having a kid with this man?? I just don’t understand. If you love the man..you do NOT have to like his kid…been there done that….and hence the reason I will NEVER EVER be with a man who has kids…too many psycho ex wives out there. They are the ones who usually are to blame for the messed up kids…and a gutless husband who won’t put his foot down to the ex…RUN now
It’s not so easy to run, especially once you’re already married to a man with kids and intend to start your own family.
Terry, If you would kindly look at my response to you accusing me that SD is not a mistake to my husband but my mistake for marrying him, you will see that SD was indeed referred to as a MISTAKE by BOTH her biomom and DH long before he ever met me! Neither of them even want the responsibility of raising her, yet DH and I are trying to do the “right” thing by taking full custody of her. All we ask is a little support from others in this very difficult situation. Instead, others are so quick to judge and criticize how we try to raise her when in fact, we are her only hope in escaping her criminal mom. I am her only chance of her even having a mom.
I’m so tired of getting bashed for taking on something this challenging in an attempt to do the right thing. I didn’t know this before becoming a stepparent but now I know that’s what all stepparents are really trying to do. Those stepparents with full custody are taking responsibility for a child that someone else should be taking responsibility for. I think that is very noble and should be recognized as such. Instead, we get trashed by both the stepkids AND critical onlookers.
I appreciate your comment as well , and we all have our thoughts on this topic. I married my husband becuase I fell in love with him. I did not marry his baggage. He told me he had a kid when we met but I never met that child until we were together over a year. My husband sees him maybe 5 times a year and I see him maybe 3. So we lead our lives for months without him being around so it is devastating to me the few times that he is, becuase I’m jealous that he had a child with someone else. I know that his kid is never going away, but that doesn’t change the way I feel about it or that I wish he would go away. I want to have kids with my husband becuase our kids will be there 24/7 and I know that he will be a great father. Things will be perfect for us until his son arrives the few times he does. I will dread those moments. I have no involvement with his ex girlfriend, so I deal with no drama in that department. I just know how I feel and I’m not going to feel bad for the way I feel. We are all intitaled to our feelings.
If I could offer you some good news…his son is almost 18 years old! How I wish I could say the same. Nothing is more difficult and more stomach clenching than having a very young child who needs you as their mom when you don’t want to be. Talk about daily guilt, drama, and fighting with DH! Be glad you do not have to raise him and have him in your care 24/7 for the next 10-15 years! Imagine if you were forced to pretend to love him, take an interest in him, teach him, clean up after him, make dinner for him, go to his parent-teacher conferences, get him ready for school, pay for field trips, etc. Be glad you have such long breaks from him (he’s nearly an adult) and try to ignore the times your husband has contact with him. If you do have your own kids with your husband, you are so lucky that you will be able to raise your own without the interference of a SS since he is so much older.
Thank you for the advice. That is avery good way to look at it. If my situation was in any different I don’t think I would have ever married my husband. I could never imagine my life with someone that has kid every other weekend or all the time. I really appreciate the insight and support.
So true. My step daughter is 15 and just decided to go live with her mom. Im so happy about that…… But my husband and I have a 2 year old together. With the things my step daughter is doing I dont want her to influence my 2 kids from a prior relationship and our 2 year old! I do feel bad for feeling this way because I have tried to love even like my step daughter but I just cant!!!!!
I can relate to you especially the part where BM has a new born and the SD goes to live with her. I wish this were the case at my house. When SD left and just to give you a lil more history. SD is not his biological child. He met BM with 6month old SD now she is 16 and doesnt know this is not her BD. There is another child 13 who may not be his because when BM is upset she will state and this is why 13 yr old is not yours. Everything was fine with the girls until I got pregnant and thier BM told thier father? Is ruining thier lives. After that day everything changed. Now my child is going to 1 and I’m dealing with all this crazy drama that I don’t need. I really don’t understand why DH is so attached to another mans child’s. He has his own son now. Wtf. It is more puzzling to me that I only thought about it now that we have a child together, why it is that he is still taking care of the other woman’s child. She is an evil little dusty witch and I’m am getting tired of dealing with. Even DH mom and sisters told me to be careful with SD she is very manipulate and conning but DH is blind to her behavior all he sees and hears is when I complain and in turn he says you just hate my daughter. First of she’s not ur daughter u and BM need to stop lying to this child she is about to 18 and when she does turn 18 I want her out my house. Am I wrong to think this way, she is my home a did functional mess because her BM makes them feel she is the victim and I stole thier dad from her. They were broken up never married for 12 yrs when I met DH so what is this looney dillisional woman thinking about. I feel sorry for her daughters, they don’t even know how to do dishes. All thier BM teaches them is have ur dad buy you fancy clothes, take showers once a day and put on make up… Smh. So I do understand what you are going through I wish their was a delete button we could push for these crazy BM and rude children to dissappear.
I cannot thank you enough for this post. I am 52 years old and never had children of my own. My second marriage was to a younger man who never expected his ex-wife to give up custody of their son. We had been trying to get custody of him because she was an abuser when it quite literally happened overnight due to the intervention of Child and Family Services. On Friday we got a call; on Monday, we had a very distressed 7 year old boy living with us. He has been with us nearly a year, and there have been many struggles. I am not “new” to him and was with his father for three years before we married when he visited every other weekend. My husband and I are finally admitting to each other that we had unrealistic expectations of this situation. We imagined that he would be so relieved to be out of his abusive situation that he would welcome living in our home…which is certainly not the case. He has alternately embraced and fought this situation and we never know if we will wake up to a sweet boy or an angry boy. He has been violent toward me, broken my things and generally targeted me. Needless to say, holding our new marriage together in the midst of all of this has been draining. It is such a relief to hear that I don’t have to love him or even like him. I can’t believe someone has said this out loud! It is exactly how I feel. I’m trying my best, but this boy is determined to make sure I know my place. He is quick to let me know that I am not part of their family. I feel like I have such a tenuous hold on my relationship with my husband. We have almost had to develop a two-family system. My husband and I are one unit and he and his son are another unit. I have never tried to insinuate myself into their relationship and never set up a competitive environment between the son and myself, but it is there regardless. I feel badly for my husband who just wants a happy and united family. We are fortunate in that we have a strong relationship that allows for very open and honest communication. I do not know if I will ever have any kind of lasting relationship with his son, but I make sure to be civil and respectful. I also insist that I be respected as well. This is an incredibly difficult situation and certainly not one we expected when we married. I feel like I opened the wonderful gift of my marriage and got a diamond and a piece of coal. I feel absolutely terrible saying that, but there it is. I just appreciated so much the honesty of this posting. I cannot tell you what a wonderful gift it was to find out that I am not alone in these burdensome feelings.
omg…what is happening!?!? has the world gone backwards?!? i posted last week about my husbands family writing nasty things on my fb because i didn’t include SD in a picture of MY 4 children…well now things are wierd. i was talking to my mom about it and she agreed with them saying that she is my child too and i need to include her. i don’t NEED to do anything! i am allowed to celebrate MY children all i want. i’m saying this is backwards because my mom does not like SD and asks me to have the kids visit her without SD!!!! umm, if you have such strong opinions about SD’s bad behavior…why are you telling me that i need to accept her as my own? i am so confused!!!! furthermore…i had a talk with BM (we get along) and BM said that her mom is the same way. everyone thinks SD is a nightmare but rushes to her defense when she isn’t getting something/her way…i am seriously not understanding this. does anyone have an answer?
I am so glad I came across this article cause until reading this I felt like a horrible person. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years and he has a 7 year old daughter from a previous relationship with a horrible woman. (a little back story)-She was older than him, had two kids prior from another relationship, started a relationship with my boyfriend for only a couple of months, lied to him about being on birth control and became pregnant. They had only been together for a couple of months and basically decided to keep this child not giving him any choice In the matter. He was so depressed about this whole situation but unfortunately since he had no choice in the matter he had to basically be forced into being a father when he was not ready to take on that roll.
Anyways, we are very serious and live together. I love him so much but I do not love his child nor do I ever think I will love his child. Every time I look at the child I am just reminded of how duplicitous and deceitful her mother is. I actually feel resentment sometimes towards her.
We talk about getting married all the time and
I am so confused about how this will all play out. I do agree fully that I fell in love with my boyfriend, not my boyfriends daughter. And I so want to have kids of my own with him and am scared about how I feel I’ll love my biokids more and the whole interaction with my biokids and her.
Its so awkward during holidays cause I know I have to be around her. What’s worse is that my boyfriends sister is married with a stepdaughter who she loves and I feel constantly judged by her and his whole family. They have actually asked me “why have you never taken “name” on vacation with you?” “don’t you feel bad for not including her in your life?” “don’t you feel like a bad person?” “this child has never done anything to you”.
I understand that if we do get married this child will be in my life but I don’t think I’ll ever feel 100% comfortable around her.
Sharon
Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about your feelings. Everyones situation is different but we can all relate. My boyfriend now fiancé of 6 years has two kids from a previous relationship both not being his BD and he loves them dearly because he basically rasied them from 6month old. I tolorated them because i inderstood his situation, until I got pregnant and had a child of my own. Everything changed when I got pregnant these children turned into little disrespectful brats thanks to thier lonely single mother who has a third child and no daddy, omg there is something called birth control anyway.
I love my soon to be DH and I will not let this mess up my life and my child’s life. At one point these kids were the reason we faught everyday and i said enough is enough. This will change and we sat them down and talked. You will never love another woman’s child as your own, well I can’t especially if they are rude and disrespectful. They and thier BM should be kissing his feet for taking care of them like he does, they are not his Bio kids. This woman does not spend a dime on HER kids and then she turns around be nasty to us because she is lonely and bittter… The child will grow up and be gone before u know it and shes only 7 im sure it would t hurt to atleast take her on a local trip to bond and get to know her. If you love this man you will have to deal with the child but never let anyone make you feel bad for not loving another woman’s child.
Thanks for the response, I’m new to this blog so I’m not familiar with the abbreviation of “DH”.
Is it horrible of me that I do not feel a need to get to know her or go on a trip with her? I get so confused with all my feelings about this.
Anyways, thanks again for your feedback and response.
DH = Dear Husband
If I could only beg you to not get into a marriage with these existing issues, I would feel much better. You are in the exact same position I was when I met my husband. Same thing–his previous “girlfriend” tricked him into pregnancy, etc. Anyway, if I could only go back to where you are, I would have never married him. I’m telling you, this child has brought nothing but pain and serious problems into our life & relationship. All my husband’s relatives & past friends have criticized me for not being this kid’s “real” mom and I’m telling you, NO MATTER WHAT I DO, this kid does not appreciate or notice and she insists her biomom is some sort of hero. She hates me. The harder I try to be nice to her, the more she hates me and treats me horribly. I can get into more detail if you need more convincing.
I just really wish someone would have told me to stay in a relationship with my husband but DON’T marry him until his kid is either grown up or living with the biomom full-time with no contact with my husband. It’s that bad. 😦
Thanks for your response as well.
I would love to hear more details.
I love this man with all my heart and that’s what makes everything so confusing.
The arrangement now is that he sees her every other weekend and that still is too much for me. I feel like such a horrible horrible person for saying this but I can’t help the way I feel.
Sharon
Do not feel bad for the way you feel. I use to blame myself and let it tear me up inside for the way I felt inside. However, I’ve learned through the years that we are allowed to feel what we do. Many won’t agree with our feelings and that’s ok. It’s life and sometimes it sucks. I dread the holidays as well, my stomach is in knots, I end up drinking way to much and count down the seconds from the minute I arrive. Don’t let his family nor your sister-in-law make you feel bad either. Some people are very accepting of these situations and other’s are not. We all have things in life we have a hard time dealing with. Our’s happen to be that our husband’s have a kid. I’ve always said, I married my husband, not his child. If your boyfriend wanted to spend time with his daughter and wanted her to go on vacations etc, then he would bring her. Just becuase you have been with this man for 6 years, don’t ever feel it’s your responsibility to coordinate these things. It’s his. If it’s important enough to him, he will involve her. I hope for your sake he doesn’t. I know how you feel, trust me !
Lulu, your words and response really helps me to feel that you really know where I’m coming from.
The holidays used to be my most favorite time of the year but now with all this baggage and my feelings I can’t stand them sometimes. I mean I try not to even be in pictures or what not cause of how I feel.
I get so confused about my feelings especially knowing that before this child was even born, his family was so upset that the ex girlfriend wanted to keep the child and now they expect me to just welcome this person into my life? I don’t know what and how they expect me to react to this situation.
My boyfriends sister gave me am earful about how she felt about me and that actually triggered a fight between us. And made it much more awkward during family gatherings.
Thanks again for your comments and responses
Sharon-
I have read your response and almost feel as if you’ve read my mind. mind. Holidays are also my favorite as well, but I dread them becuase I will be around his child. I also get out of taking pictures. Luckily my husband’s situation is much different as he only see’s his child about 5 times a year and the only time I really see him is Thanksgiving and Christmas. Which does suck becuase I love the holidays and it does put a damper on them for me. However, I try and tell myself that no matter what day of the year it was, I would not be happy to see him. It’s never a good time for me. I could not imagine doing every other weekend. I honestly have always felt that if that would have been my situation , I would either no longer be with my husband or I would have accepted. That’s not my situation now, and I know how I feel inside the few times a year I run into him. I can’t imagine feeling that every other weekend. You have a different situation than I do. I completely understand your feelings 100% and my husbands mother has chewed me out for the way I feel….but again I can’t help it, they are my feelings and no one should judge me on that. My husbands parents were divorced when he was young , they both remarried and their partners had children. He has always been around split up families. I was not raised like that nor were any of my friends. So it’s hard for me to understand all the step mom, step dad, step brothers, half brothers stuff. We’ve been together for 10 years now. I can tell you that as the years go on the feelings will not change that much, mine have only became stronger, but what I can tell you is that you will learn how to cope better. Finding this blog has helped me, going to therapy has helped and venting to my closest friends. You need to find a way to deal with these matters when she’s around. I am still working on that myself, and I can’t say that I’ve very much farther than I was 10 years ago. However, I now have people I can vent to and that has helped tons. Good luck !
I have to inerject and say your fiance DID have a choice if he wanted to be a father or not. He should have used Condoms if he was not ready for fatherhood with this particular woman…You make it sound like she tricked him and got pregnant. OK..maybe she lied to him about being on birth control…BUT…if he did not want kids..he should have made SURE he was not unprotected…..He is to blame also…
I agree with you Terry. Anytime I hear “she tricked him into getting pregnant”, I have to laugh. If you don’t want to get pregnant, don’t have sex. And if you want to have sex and don’t want to get someone pregnant, use condoms. Birth control and safe sex is the responsibility of both parties.
Oh trust me, I do Agree with you also and make sure I let him know that even though she lied about being on birth control, it does take two to tango.
It makes me upset that his exgirlfriend did the same thing with another guy 4 years earlier (was in a relationship with a guy, became pregnant, decided to keep the child, ended the relationship).
I find it kind of unfair that two men are now forever linked to this horrible woman.
Yes, I do agree that it is also my fiance’s fault
Seems there exists this double standard between what society expects from stepmothers vs. stepfathers. For stepfathers, it’s acceptable to love the mom, have a job, not be an addict, and not abuse the kids. That’s all that’s expected. For stepmoms, it’s a totally different deal. My kids are almost grown. I love my husband with a passion. My stepkids have a mom who they live with. I’m not doing the mommy thing and I don’t love them. If something happened to their mom, I have a job and kids who keep me busy and my husband would have to figure it out. He doesn’t help me raise my kids.
I don’t love my step kids like I love my biological children. In fact, all three step kids have treated me in the worst ways. They treated me poorly before me and their father lived together. I still married five years ago and sometimes I wonder what I was thinking. His two oldest are in different states and his youngest of 15 lives with us. She is incredibly jealous of my children. I try very hard to suck up my dislike toward her and I am very good about treating the equally. It’s to the point that I hate trying and I don’t want her here.
It’s no walk in the park for either side. My dad lived in another state and he remarried. I won’t call her my stepmom because I didn’t have that sort of relationship with her – I only saw her twice a year, when I visited. Since I only got to see my dad twice a year, I wanted to spend time alone with him. I’m very shy around strangers, and I felt like I couldn’t really talk to him around her, but she would always insist on going everywhere with us.
Even though I wasn’t very happy, I was always polite to her – I wanted her to like me, since I had to see her every time I had to see my dad. Which is less than I can say for her. She always acted like I was inconveniencing her (excuse me, I came to visit my dad, not you! And if you don’t like it, stay home instead of coming with us) and insist that we go places she wanted to go. Whenever I wanted to go somewhere she would act like it was a drag. I’m glad I didn’t live with them, I can only imagine what my life with them would have been like. There’s just no winning with some people. Thankfully she’s out of our lives now.
What I’m saying is that even if you don’t like your stepchildren, don’t let your own dislike seep through your interactions with them. It wasn’t my fault my parents’ marriage didn’t work out, so why should I be treated like I did something wrong?
Excellent perspective Brit! It is difficult for some SMs to not let their dislike seep through in one way or another, especially if the stepchildren are combative. I often suggest that the SM take herself out of “step mode” and instead try a different role: cool babysitter, crazy aunt, big sister. Sometimes when you change how you approach the relationship, the relationship changes.
Hello. I am brand new here. I am newly married to a truly wonderful man. He has 4 teen kids, the oldest just turned 21. I have one 17 year old child who lives 50% of the time with me, shared custody with his father who lives very close by.
I have known my new husband for 3.5 years. We are best friends.
I have never met any of his children, so I do not feel like a step parent in any way and have no idea how everyone feels about being a step parent.
This is a classic case of parental alienation by a very disturbed and selfish ex wife, the mother of these children. Also involving wild, crazy, insane stories of “domestic violence” and “child abuse” against the father of these children. Oh, and of course toss in alchohol and drug abuse ….and….(drum roll)… a secret pornogrophy business AND several “affairs.”
There was never a shred of evidence of ANY of the above, yet… everyone believed her. Classic things to accuse a man of in order to gain a leg up in a contested divorce case where there is a lot of money to be gained.
Anyway, he only sees his 2 youngest teens on Saturday mornings in the basement of the local courthouse at Supervised Visitation ONLY WHEN she feels like getting out of bed to drive them there. He never knows if they will be there or not. They sit at a table for 2 hours and play cards and games on an IPhone. The two older kids want him dead, believeing every single thing the mother tells them. They are brainwashed. Even the 2 younger kids who see him sometimes act afraid of him or refuse to speak for the 2 hours.
Only the daughter often askes about me, is civil to him, and even allows him to hug her.
These kids have no idea their father married me. These kids have never met me or spoken to me.
And they may never . Maybe someday after they turn 18, that “might” happen, but… I don’t know.
That won’t be for several years, but I don’t know what to even say to them if I should ever meet them. After all the years of brainwashing by their mother, living full time with their mother, what could I possibly say to them? That I don’t believe the crazy lies the mother said about their father? (Of course I don’t believe them – the lies are OUTLANDISH WILD AND INSANE). Do I say nothing at all? Do I ignore these kids? I want nothing at all to do with the 2 older ones who HATE their father. The only hope if for the one daughter. Maybe she will come around after she turns 18, has access to a car, and can contact her father. Right now, their mother has forbid them to provide their cell phone numbers to their father, even going against a court order to do so. After 3 years, there is no way they are going to go against their mother and provide him with their phone numbers.
How odd, my own 17 year old son has “step” siblings he has never met. I wish he had, but…..
and I have 4 step children I may never, ever meet in my life.
It feels strange.
Hi there,
Im a stepmom to 2 teengage daughters 16 and 14… i have no kids of my own and am unable to due to health reasons. I absolutely adore the eldest and would say i really do love her but i really dislike the youngest. I feel guilt everyday because i know i should be treating them equally but when one tries harder and is kinder to you what else can you do their personalities are so different. My main concern is that i am finding it hard to hide these feelings now and I want to be supportive to both but there is this growing dislike building up inside me… their situation doesnt help either.. their bio mom is pregnant to their stepdad who they both hate but after all the crap we’ve had to deal with i thought they would be thankful that they have a supportive home.. instead we just get unappreciate spoilt children who cause me more stress and grief than ive ever had in my life.
Glad to know I’m not alone. My stepson is 4. I didn’t mind at first that hubby had a kid but now that we live together it bothers me when he has to pick him up for his 2 days out of the week. It bothers me that it’s never always the same set schedule, and sometimes he decides to get him for an extra day or keep him the whole week. It really pisses me off when he decides those things and then I’m stuck taking care of him. I have a 2yr old that live with us and don’t know her real dad at all and feel really bad because my husband took the full responsibility of being her daddy from the start when she was just 2 months old. For the most part, when he’s here and hubby not working I just let dad do everything for him and focus on my daughter and myself. He makes these slick remarks and asks slick questions all the time which is probably the same attitude he has with biomom. Long story short, try as I may, I just can’t stand it and just completely detach from whatever has to do with him. I feel selfish already so nobody has to tell me about how I’m a bitch but that’s just me. I don’t think we will make it if mom decides she can no longer deal with him even when we have a child together. He’s here now and I can’t wait to go back to my routine with my baby tomorrow.
Like so many others, I am relieved to read these comments (most of them anyway). I already had two children of my own when I met my wonderful husband. He also had 2 kids about the same age as mine. Very, very long story short–their bio mom is drug-addicted, gang-affiliated and in prison, so I legally adopted them. Bio mom’s rights were fully terminated and their birth certificates were changed to show me as bio mom. In the eyes of the world, I AM bio mom, and I never tell anyone (who doesn’t already know) that they are adopted. As far as I am concerned, they are mine. Nevertheless, I am still in a step-parent role; that is, mothering children who aren’t mine biologically. And I do love them. But I don’t like them at all. Both of these kids (a daughter age 11 & a son age 12) were traumatized by their bio mom when she took them from dad and placed them into “hiding.” CPS finally found & returned kids to my husband. There were terrified of him because of all the lies bio mom had told them while they were in hiding. They have since adjusted, but, naturally, these kids have serious issues. My adopted daughter (AD) has ADHD and is off-the-wall out of control. She lacks all impulse control, which constantly causes her to drop, spill, and break things, fall down, get hurt, throw things, mouth off…you name it! I mean it guys, she is OFF-THE-HOOK! She is medicated and we try to improve her self-awareness by reminding her that she needs to slow down and be mindful of what she is doing. My adopted son (AD) had very serious maladjustment when they first started coming around, but has since grown out of it. His biggest issue now is that he is lazy in school and he lies. My husband and I never fight unless it is about them. We have a good relationship. My bio kids get along well with my AK’s, but they all get annoyed by AD’s ADHD. I have felt so guilty for the past 3 years my husband and I have been together because my bio kids rarely get in trouble, but I am always mad at the AK’s! Every time I turn around, one of them is doing something bad! At first, I questioned whether or not I really was just picking on them, but no, they really do need constant correction…for the same things over and over. They are both very, very, dependent for their ages and still exhibit toddler-type behavior such as separation anxiety and 20 questions (remember when your 2-year old asked you why why? why? why? why? about EVERYTHING? Now imagine that an 11-year old does the same!) It is clear my AD sees me as a threat because when my husband and I want to go out she whines, “Daddy! When are you going to spend time with me?!” It’s so upsetting. I have very bitter, resentful, hostile feelings toward both of them, but mostly my AD. She is very very disruptive. Her ADD has caused her to do SO much damage to my house. Before she came, my daughter’s room was pink and white, very clean, very girlie. Now there is writing all over everything, stains on the carpet, and broken furniture. And this is an 11-year-old, not a toddler. My AS decided to paint a piece of wood pink…On my hot tub! The cover, the carpet, towels, the wall…so much paint! AND HE IS 12!! I have an appointment for us to begin some family counseling, but in the meantime, I don’t even want to be around them. At all. EVER. I adore my 2 bio kids and can’t get enough cuddling, hugging, and just chatting about their lives and school. But I have no desire to do that with AK’s. I know it makes them feel bad, but they are constantly in trouble! Someone please tell me you understand. I have felt so very alone.
I haven’t posted on here in a while. Since June actually I think. Needless to say, I need to vent. On June 21st, my fiancé’s step son came to live with us thanks in part to child protective services. I nearly had a nervous breakdown. To recap my fiancé has 4 children, 3 daughters by his ex wife, who live with her and one son by some brief fling. The son was living with his mom and my fiancé rarely saw him so I had only been exposed to him one time in our year of being together. Unfortunately for me, I was not exposed to my fiancé’s children until after we were engaged. I was already committed to this relationship. I could handle the every other weekend and the month during the summer. This I got used to but when the son came to live with us full time, it changed my life. It’s been almost 6 months since that day and I still hate it. Everyone told me it would get better with time but it hasn’t. I feel like I’m 22 and I don’t want to look at my life in 10 years and feel like I wasted myself. If anything I have less maternal instincts then I did prior to getting him. I now no longer want children and have thought on more than one occasion about leaving just so I can be 22 again and not have a child to take care of but then I think about if everything my fiancé and I have is worth throwing away. We have our problems but our relationship is a good one. We get along and enjoy being with one another. Sometimes I feel like if SS wasn’t there I’d be 100% happy. It’s getting to the point where I’m starting to resent this child. He is unlike any child from my family. He’s been babied, repeats everything we ask him to do, can’t hear anything and can’t read. He’s even admitted to my fiancé that he wants to go back and live with his maternal grandparents and I wish he would. I wish my fiancé would just let him and not get involved in this custody battle. I’ve even thought about sending him to boarding school. I find myself hoping the courts give him back so that my fiancé and I can go back to our old lives. I just don’t know what to do anymore and of course I can’t tell DH that because it’s his child. Has anyone ever in my position and if you were what would you do or what did you do? I’m so lost right now. Everyone says to me that I have everything going for me and there would be a lot of people supporting me to leave him. I have a good job, about to transfer to SMU to get my degree and then go to law school. I’m able to take care of myself. I have a life that most women my age don’t. I pretty much feel like an awful person for not wanting this child around but there’s something in me that just can’t help it.
If you are 22 years old and your husband has FOUR kids…how old is he??? I would say get out while you can. Leave him and get divorced. You are too young to have to deal with all of this. Its going to get worse….You need to find a nice younger guy with NO kids…one you can marry and have kids of your own…A family of your own…There is no guarantee you will stay with THIS younger guy…even if you married and had kids with him…but at least you won’t have to deal with a way older guy with FOUR kids of his own already…RUN and never look back…
He is 28, still young for 4 kids, two of them are a set of twins. It’s still a lot to take on. I could handle it when it was only every other weekend but this whole 24/7 mom thing. I truly feel I’m getting the raw end of the deal. We never go out anymore and it’s almost like he always wants to hang with his friends instead of me. It’s just a lot to take on. I’m writing a pros and cons list as i type this. And if things to get better i will truly just have to be cold and cut my losses. it’s only been 4 months and i’m already exhausted from pretending that i have some connection with his children. thank you for advice. you are not the first person to tell me this.
and by 4 months i mean since we’ve had his son full time. not the length of our relationship.
Hi there,
I am reading all of this with interest and wondered if there was anyone out there in my position…..My Husband has an 11 yr old son who has been cared for by grandma since he was small. Bio mom is not on the scene. Things were okay with all that for a long time, I got on with the little boy well. The son continued living with grandma while we set up a business in the US and moved from the UK. My Husband and I moved first and then the rest of the family along with the son. My husband wasn’t really a good father figure at all, he only saw his son because grandma had fought for a residence order and my husband sees him as more of a little brother really.
In the gap in between me and hubby moving and the rest of the family arriving grandma continually asked me to sort out a school, go and have a look, pay for this, sign him up for that and on top of that they wanted this to be the transition where step son comes to live with his Father and I.
i was up for the challenge and hubby seemed keen, we got a room ready and sorted out school. I had in my mind a plan etc……Step son and I got on etc…..
6 months it lasted.
Step son was not the problem. Hubby did nothing. Grandma ( i.e Mother in law ) interfered and I was run ragged!
I even had to wake up hubby to get him up to take step son to school as well as waking up step son. Hubby was ( and still is ) busy busy busy…..
I don’t have a problem with step son and I don’t think he has any issues with me.
I think that Hubby assumes that his life will replicate his own childhood – Father works hard and earns money – Mother does the Mothering and housework. I think hubby expected that i do ‘this and that’ for his son because his Mother did. I told hubby right from the start that I would do it ‘with him not for him’…but non one listens….
Mother in law is essentially a good person and i applaud her for taking step son and getting a residence order and taking him away from Bad bio mom….I really do…..but I think she has unrealistic expectations of my role in step sons life.
She thinks that the ‘Mum’ in Step mum means I’m his Mum and i should therefore do ‘this, that or the other’…….she also thinks that you can love a child that is not your own as if they were.
I am not a mother, but I am an aunt and I love my step son the same way I love my nieces & nephews. I would be lying if I said I loved my step son as my own….I do not know how that feels anyway so i would still be lying.
I think it is unrealistic and i think that Mother in law is so focused in her own mind to protect my step son that ANY perceived hurt against him is bad bad bad….
I understand it because of what happened to my step son, BUT I should not be pressured into being something/someone I’m not.
I come from a Step family ( step mum & step Dad ) they do not…….and in my opinion, this is not how it works…….I am step mum and i am being asked by my mother in law to do/say things because she feels she is not getting what she wants for step son from his father – she is coming to me because she can’t get to my hubby. I should not be in that position.
I have just today had an argument with hubby because he does not support me in this.
Mother in law particularly seems to think that anything I say to protect myself or back off is an immediate ‘I don’t love my step son and want nothing to do with him’ which is simply untrue.
Hubby thinks this a little and i just want to be left alone!
It’s very stressful!
Well i have been a stepmommy for 3 years now and i have never been bothered until this year my stepdaughter is 9 and up until (i finally had enough) she would sleep in the same bed with me and the hubby…i finally put my foot down and she was not to happy once she even told me that i should sleep outside. Well eventually she got over it and now my main frustration is her hate to shower, brush her hair or teeth, and hobby lets her get away with this because he simply doesn’t want to upset her
My husband has four kids, two he has not seen in 12 years due to a bitter divorce. After I married him, they all came into our lives and now his 24 year old daughter (who was one of the kids he was not able to see) is coming to live with us. She has no job and will live in a small apartment with us. Also, my husband and I are never alone anymore.. the kids are always there. And the cherry on the top is that now he wants to take them all to Morocco on a holiday and that was the place him and I have been dreaming about going together… I do not want the kids to come… i do not want to live with a 24 year old girl.. she is an adult for christ’s sake and only 12 years younger than me. My husband tells me I am a horrible person and that i should open my heart. But i can’t. I hate the situation that I am in and I am now thinking about divorce.
Hi, I really don’t like my stepkids either. I don’t understand why because they’re sweet, kind, funny, obedient (8 & 9, puberty hasn’t hit yet . I’m also blessed with an awesome husband who does put me first and makes sure they know it. Their mom can be a B, but she’s still a good mom to them and mostly leaves us alone. I have so much to be thankful for, but still, after almost 4 years together, I hate it when the kids come over. I tell myself “I don’t hate it when they come over, I don’t hate it when they come over”, and I have to keep telling myself that because deep down… I hate it when they come over. It took about 3 years to realize I didn’t hate them personally, because for a long time it felt like I did hate them. They’d come in the door with the crying and whining and my nerves were shot right away. After some counseling I figured out that I really didn’t hate them, in fact sometimes I like them, I just hate it when they come over. The first few years we were married I felt like a glorified babysitter. Just because they’re outta school or sick doesn’t mean I want to take care of them. That happened so many times, even after our baby was born somehow it was my job to take care of kids over christmas break. Ugh, I just have no maternal feelings for them at all. I could never see them again and be ok. I do realize I married into having them and as the adult I need to buck up and deal with it. Just thought I’d leave a note to say even when the stepfamily situation isn’t terrible, it can still be hard. I cringe when I hear stepparents say “Oh I just love him/her/them like they’re my own”. How do you do that? You know who you love like your own? Your own. Maybe it would be different if they lived here and were part of the family everyday, but they’re not. They’re visitors, and it’s hard to feel ‘family’ with visitors. I wish the best for all of you, keep hanging in there .
Mine live w us full time and have for the past 5 years and to me, they still feel like visitors. They don’t feel like family to me, at all. I can’t relax w them around. I do as much as I can to avoid spending time w them. Not always an easy way to live, but better than feeling angry, annoyed, on edge being around them.
You can dislike or even hate your stepchildren as long as you treat everyone fair. It’s only right. When I was 8 and my little sister was 5, our mom died. Next year my dad got married to a woman who had her own daughter who was also 5. Our SM made our lives a living hell every day. She would scream at us and go running to our dad for the slightest bad behavior – we were kids, sometimes we were going to be bratty, it was natural. Meanwhile, if her daughter did the very same thing? Not a word. If our dad said something to her daughter she would say “oh she’s just playing.” I remember one time when we were all playing tag and yelling, she told us we were the worst behaved kids she’d ever seen and to sit down and shut up. Her own daughter continued running around screaming though and our SM just smiled at her.
She’d tell our dad not to waste so much money on us when it came to buying Christmas gifts and such, yet she’d get my dad to spend a ton of money on a new game system for her daughter, which we weren’t allowed to play with. My little sister got a different game system for her birthday from our uncle and we were of course expected to share. And one day my little sister was grounded and our SM took the game system out of her room and didn’t return it for half a year because her daughter was playing a game she hadn’t finished. When I got older I got a job and started buying nice presents for my little sister, it wasn’t right how she was being treated. Of course my SM resented this and said that I should also be buying gifts for my stepsister, who by that point was a spoiled little brat. Uh, no?
By the time her darling little angel was 18 years old she already had a criminal record. She broke into a car once and she stole from a mall. Our dear SM blamed us – she said we had a bad influence on her own daughter, when we never committed any crimes and had straight As. Last I heard she didn’t want to go to college and is working at a fast food place.
I get it. You love your kids in a way you can’t love your stepchildren. That does not give you the right to act like your own child farts rainbows and can do no wrong while you treat your stepchildren like crap. What if one day you’re divorced and your own kid is someone’s stepchild? In our case, her daughter was lucky that my dad was nice to her. Treat your SC like you would want your own child to be treated if they were in that situation.
I really appreciate this post and the perspective it offers. You made me think, Nathan. My adopted daughter sometimes accuses me of treating my bio kids different (read: better). Most of the time, I dismiss this as sibling rivalry. In the future, I will take a closer look and think about how I would feel if the situation involved my husband and bio daughter.
I don’t love my stepkids and I stopped caring a long time ago. It feels good to be able to just accept that, I can’t make myself love them like I love my son, nor can I make myself love them at all. I care about them, that is the extent of it. May sound harsh, but I tried and tried to fake/force something that just wasn’t there, and after 8 years I would assume if some feelings of love were going to form, they already would have. If I knew they were safe and my husband didn’t care, I’d be happy if I never saw them again, if they went to live w their mom, per se, and we never had them visit, that would make me so happy. But that would mean my husband would have to be the kind of person I don’t want him to be. So just gotta deal.
I will keep this short: my husband has three kids from previous two marriages: ages 6-16. He and I have none – thank God! Bottom line for stepparents: we ARE obligated to accept our spouses kids, but we are NOT obligated to love or like them. I went thru my guilt trips for years, but they are over. As of now, I do not see his kids at all due to certain circumstances I do not judge any one and believe that NO one has a right to judge any one else. Acceptance is imperative, love – not. I love my husband but when he sees his children every other Saturday – that is my time to go visit my parents or be on my own with errands and such. Again, please accept your stepchildren; but do not feel obligated to love them or even like them.
I don’t mean to beg for attention here, but would someone please read my (long-winded) post of October 22? I really need some perspective and advice from folks who can relate to my feelings. We have a family therapy session tomorrow.
P.S.
With all due respect, I don’t need to hear from you, Terry.
Where’s your post? I can’t find it in these comments. If you want, you can email it to me and I’ll do my best to give you some advice.
It’s above, dated October 22, 2012. I’ll email it too. I can’t thank you enough for raising this challenging topic and for the support available through your blog.
Here is what I posted: Like so many others, I am relieved to read these comments (most of them anyway). I already had two children of my own when I met my wonderful husband. He also had 2 kids about the same age as mine. Very, very long story short–their bio mom is drug-addicted, gang-affiliated and in prison, so I legally adopted them. Bio mom’s rights were fully terminated and their birth certificates were changed to show me as bio mom. In the eyes of the world, I AM bio mom, and I never tell anyone (who doesn’t already know) that they are adopted. As far as I am concerned, they are mine. Nevertheless, I am still in a step-parent role; that is, mothering children who aren’t mine biologically. And I do love them. But I don’t like them at all. Both of these kids (a daughter age 11 & a son age 12) were traumatized by their bio mom when she took them from dad and placed them into “hiding.” CPS finally found & returned kids to my husband. There were terrified of him because of all the lies bio mom had told them while they were in hiding. They have since adjusted, but, naturally, these kids have serious issues. My adopted daughter (AD) has ADHD and is off-the-wall out of control. She lacks all impulse control, which constantly causes her to drop, spill, and break things, fall down, get hurt, throw things, mouth off…you name it! I mean it guys, she is OFF-THE-HOOK! She is medicated and we try to improve her self-awareness by reminding her that she needs to slow down and be mindful of what she is doing. My adopted son (AD) had very serious maladjustment when they first started coming around, but has since grown out of it. His biggest issue now is that he is lazy in school and he lies. My husband and I never fight unless it is about them. We have a good relationship. My bio kids get along well with my AK’s, but they all get annoyed by AD’s ADHD. I have felt so guilty for the past 3 years my husband and I have been together because my bio kids rarely get in trouble, but I am always mad at the AK’s! Every time I turn around, one of them is doing something bad! At first, I questioned whether or not I really was just picking on them, but no, they really do need constant correction…for the same things over and over. They are both very, very, dependent for their ages and still exhibit toddler-type behavior such as separation anxiety and 20 questions (remember when your 2-year old asked you why why? why? why? why? about EVERYTHING? Now imagine that an 11-year old does the same!) It is clear my AD sees me as a threat because when my husband and I want to go out she whines, “Daddy! When are you going to spend time with me?!” It’s so upsetting. I have very bitter, resentful, hostile feelings toward both of them, but mostly my AD. She is very very disruptive. Her ADD has caused her to do SO much damage to my house. Before she came, my daughter’s room was pink and white, very clean, very girlie. Now there is writing all over everything, stains on the carpet, and broken furniture. And this is an 11-year-old, not a toddler. My AS decided to paint a piece of wood pink…On my hot tub! The cover, the carpet, towels, the wall…so much paint! AND HE IS 12!! I have an appointment for us to begin some family counseling, but in the meantime, I don’t even want to be around them. At all. EVER. I adore my 2 bio kids and can’t get enough cuddling, hugging, and just chatting about their lives and school. But I have no desire to do that with AK’s. I know it makes them feel bad, but they are constantly in trouble! Someone please tell me you understand. I have felt so very alone.
Sarah “A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.” Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory
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I will reply via email!
I feel so much better after seeing everyone’s comments,
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years it was love at first sight etc we have been living together for 1.5 years and when it is the two of us it is amazing but he has a 6 year old daughter. At the beginning I saw her as a little buddy, watching kid’s movies together and going on little trips doing girly things. Over the past 2 years however she became horrible with me, on a vacation she started telling me “I hate you” and lying to her dad that I had been yelling at her, being horrible with her which unfortunately he believed. She has settled again now but I’m sure that side of her will be seen again, she is SO spoilt always asking for present’s basically ordering Barbie dolls from her dad each week, she throws a tantrum at anyone who refuses to buy her something if they are at the mall. She does have a sweet side but now it has become so bad with me that just the thought of her coming over stresses me out. It is like my boyfriend turns to Dad mode when she is here, it is always them against me, and he decides when she comes and how long she stays and I have no say in that at all.
He has made some changes since we got together, when we met she slept in bed with him! Luckily we live in the Middle East as expats so he has a live in nanny who now sleeps with her (which I think is RIDICULOUS) and I don’t have to do the mommy things like baths and meals.
He constantly tells me she will always come first and that I would do the same if it was my kid and that I don’t understand these things because I don’t have children.
But my issue now is moving forward, is my resentment towards her just going to get worse? Will he accept our future kids as equal without constantly spoiling her to compensate as he does now?
I am only 26 and I am not ready to have children of my own, so my thinking has been that when I do have my own kids I’ll be more of a mommy to her and the love will come then. But reading here I think if it’s not there and so many issues have already come up it’s not going to get better at all.
I really need some advice from people in similar situations, I really love this man but I think I will never accept his daughter and she will always add stress to our relationship
I wrote a post a few days ago but it looks like it didn’t post so here goes again 🙂
I am so glad to have found this site as I am currently feeling horrible for having no feelings towards my boyfriend’s daughter.
We have been together for 2 years and it was love at first sight we moved in 6 months later and have been living together since, although he is the exact opposite of what I was looking for! He was recently divorced, 10 years older and had a 4 year old daughter (now 6) she visits every weekend and sometimes stays longer (which I have no say over)
In the beginning everything was nice and easy, I saw his daughter as a little buddy, watching kids movies and going on outings doing girly things, I looked past the tantrums she constantly threw and the lies she told and the way he changed when she was around as he was in daddy mode, she was just 4 and I have no kids so what did I know?
I did come to have feelings for her and felt a bit protective etc and she constantly told me she loved me (I think to please her dad more than anything). However anytime I started stepping in as a parent type figure i.e. making rules and enforcing them in our house it became me against them, my BF would tell me I’m being horrible to her (for sending her to her room after she started smashing things!) and that I am always being super critical of her and I have no patience, it becomes a battle every time she misbehaves and it makes me furious that he just stands there and lets her do as she please and even REWARDS bad behaviour with gifts! She throws a tantrum in the mall he buys her a Barbie!!!
After a horrible vacation where she decided she hated me and lied to her dad about me yelling at her and saying horrible things to her which sadly he believed I was heartbroken, I had made such an effort with her and she looked at me like she wanted me dead I never imagined a child could look that evil and be that manipulative.
even though things have calmed now and she is being sweet again (to me anyway) I can’t help but feel so anxious whenever I know she is coming to stay, I really hate her being here, just hearing her voice in the morning stresses me out. She is constantly coming between my boyfriend and I and I am even unable to have a conversation with him in the same room without her trying to get his attention from me. She is 6 years old now and she knows what she is doing, she refuses to sleep alone, can’t even have a bath alone and tonight she even wanted him to go to the toilet with her!!! This situation just seems to be getting worse and I don’t know what to do.
I love this man with all my heart and when we are alone together it is fantastic but whenever she is here our relationship suffers, and I am worried that this hostile feeling I have for her now is not going to go away even though I am trying, I know it is not her fault she has been through a horrible divorce with her parents but it has been 2 years now and I don’t see how she is ever going to be a child I love, and then there is the fear of having children and my BF treating them with less affection than her as he always talks about their special bond, how they have been through so much together…. which makes me sick.
So I need some advice from people who have been through this situation, will these feeling I have go away? Maybe when I have my own children I will feel more love towards her? Or will it only get worse in which case I would have to give up the man I love.
Please help any advice would be really appreciated
Oooof…While our situations are different, I know the feeling.
I have a very clingy SD who would do the same with my Husband’s time. It means our relationship suffers when she’s over. She can’t do anythign on her own & monopolizes all his time. And I resent her for that. I’ve wondered the same thing when we have our own child will his affections for her/him be less that of my SD. Will she make sure all his attention is on her?
I don’t have any answer as for will it get better. And you can’t know if you’ll love her. I have a lot of these complicated feelings too & I started seeing a therapist b/c of it. I need to not feel dread when the weekends she’s w/us come up. And I want to stop feeling resentful towards her. For many reasons that I just don’t have time to list right now. But I would suggest finding a support system or a counselor if this man’s really worth all of the effort. Kids are not easy. And going through a divorce, even worse.
One thing my therapist recently suggested if finding some thing I can do with my SD that will help our bonding. Some thing that’s just for her & I to build a stronger relationship & to having something to look forward to – together. Perhaps this is some thing you can think about?
Good luck!
I must say I am one of the step mom that just can’t love my step child. And prob never will. I love my husband and my child of course! But for some reason I just can not except that his first child was not by me. I prob will never get over this. And I have tried to explain this to people they can’t hate u just bc u have no love for the step child
I really need to vent. I haven’t written here since I found out I was pregnant. I’ve been with a man for about 8 years, he has a teenager going on 16 who lives full time with us. I try to be a part of the child’s life but it has never been easy, anything I say is seen as an attack by my fiancé. It was such a relief when I got pregnant because now I can raise my child the way I want and don’t have to go to my fiancé for everything. My fiancé has been working a lot of long hours and when he gets home needs to sleep so I’ve been keeping things going around the house. I spent all day yesterday cleaning our floors, doing dishes, laundry, cooked supper and there is a 16 year old who just sits in his room playing games and listening to music until his friends are ready to go out. Then he is gone all day/night. He does not do one thing to help. Got so frustrated when I came home today after getting groceries and he was gone out again, dishes to be done, cat litter to be changed, step had to be shoveled. Here I am 6 months pregnant and starting to feel pretty bitter. I call my fiancé and maturely say I know your busy with work, it would be great if son helped out a little. Again he takes it as a personal attack, calls me a bitch and tells me to f..k myself. Really! I don’t think we should have to be asking a 16 year old to do this and that, he is old enough to have chores and responsibilities he just does. I don’t even think he washed his face or brushed his teeth before going out with friends. It’s rediculous. I know it’s not all the kids fault, my fiancé should be instilling this in him but it makes me so mad. I wish I did not have to live with him, I don’t even want him around. Can’t imagine how bitter I will be when I have to take care of a baby and do all the regular stuff while a 16 year sits around here doing nothing. You would think my fiancé would have some sense.
OK first of all – there is a major problem with the fact that your fiance calls you a bitch & tells you to go f-yourself. How disrespectful. Are you serious?! You don’t deserve to be spoken to this way.
I think its about time you laid some ground rules & started telling your SS that he has to pitch in. Period. And if he doesn’t, then don’t do anything for him. Don’t wash his dishes, don’t make him dinner – don’t do anything that makes his life easier.
The only good thing that I see of this is that your SS is out of the house a lot – which I wouldn’t really complain about – personally.
But I do see that the issue lies w/your fiance, not step-son. Your fiance doesn’t seem to respect you or show gratitude for what you do for his family. You are under no obligation to help raise his son or to do anythign for him yet, here you are! If I were in your shoes, I’d be gloves-off & showing some seriously tough love. Love it or lump it.
I’m glad I came across this article, I just recently got married to a man with a 3 year daughter, I’ve never had a problem with dating someone with children, although I am not so much of a “kid person” (I grew up alone) I am used to being alone, with my last relationship, I was more of a friend to his child, never tried to be a mother, that worked but now I have a daughter of my own from that relationship and my new husband and I are trying to get along with each others kids. My daughter is 16 months and she’s my everything, I feel very over protective over her and I can tell he resents her because of that, his daughter comes on weekends and he refuses to discipline her or correct her behaviors but I am expected to correct my daughter, his daughter is very mean to my daughter she attacked her when we weren’t looking which is why I refuse to leave them alone together, this is causing such a strain on our marriage I am ready to divorce, I wish I knew then what I know now, being a step patent is very difficult! The resentments the brainwashing from the biological parent, I can only imagine the future if I stay 😦
Gosh so happy I’m not alone… My husband has 2 Bio sons, ages 3 and 6. I have a daughter age 6 as well. From day one, my Step son has been distant, his mother is on again off again mom/drug addict/felon etc… She was in jail for the last few months of her pregnancy that’s the only reason she stopped using meth. So now we have 6 yr old step son (who my husband has full custody of with the BM getting visitation until she goes to court for a drug test to get more visitation) who has learning disabilities, he is failing first grade, struggling we spend hours at night at the table doing homework. We have rules in our household. Education is put first over fun. Manners are top priority. He has been a problem since the day him and my husband moved in to my home last May. He hasn’t bonded with me and to be quite honest, he really doesn’t bond with his own dad. It’s like he is disconnected from the world. Still doesn’t know fantasy from reality, very immature for 6 yrs old. His teacher is concerned he has ADD and my hubby won’t take him to get tested bc he doesn’t want his son to be “labeled”…so he continues to struggle every day at school. He just started speech therapy…has nightmares every night, doesn’t require ANY sleep at all…behavior is almost like what i read about autism…he lacks empathy for others, doesn’t care if others are hurt, handicapped, nada…the list goes on and on. He is not affectionate AT ALL to his own father so why should i expect him to bond with me? He sees his mother MAYBE once every few months, and when he comes home he tells us he wants to live with his mom bc she is “fun mom”. No rules, no bedtime, snacks 24-7 basically whatever he wants bc she feels guilty about not being there as a mom. So its a big party when he stays with her. And she says ugly things about me as a SM to him and tells hims “secrets” and that me and my husband are the ones keeping him away from her. It’s so frustrating!!!! Like one mom put in above comment, that when she looks at the kids face, it is a reminder of what a POS mom she has to deal with, and the characteristics you see in the child are a direct reflection of BM. I can totally relate. In addition to these problems, let me just add that this little boy is OBSSESSED with guns and violence and even told me once that he would like to kill someone and see them die in front of him as long as he had a friend with him!!!!! HE IS SIX YEARS OLD!!! Draws tanks, war scenes, non stop in his head is shooting and guns!!! When Sandy hook happened, I just kept thinking “omg what if my Step son grows up and does something like this to our family/ other kids?”….. He is in need of counseling and i have told my husband let’s get him some mental help. He refuses, that nothing is wrong, that he will outgrow all these negative behaviors. I just want to hit my head against the wall. Sometimes i feel guilty bc i think all of this is bc of the drug use the BM was doing while preganant and now we are seeing long term affects…that it’s not this child’s fault. I treat him THE EXACT same and hold him to the same rules/standards as my 6 yr old daughter. He doesn’t feel like an outcast even tho sometimes I feel like he is!! I can’t believe i just said that….but true! We have him full time and the times he does go to his mother, half of me is like THANK YOU JESUS !!!!!! Bc I need a break from this kid and all his issues!! But the other half is like Oh lord what problems is he gonna come back with when he returns??? Then we end up doing double work /catch up to get him back on track with the way our household runs….I feel so bad that I don’t love him. Heck , I don’t even like him….I care about his well being bc I am a caring person and wish him the best and take care of him just like my own. But will I ever LOVE him like my own child? No. And after reading all these other comments, I don’t feel bad about it anymore. Like one woman said ” My step son doesn’t love me as much/same way as his Bio Mom, why should I be expected to love him as much as my own bio child?” The answer is… I shouldn’t. and I shouldn’t feel guilty. As long as im providing a caring, safe environment that’s the main thing. My step son has no clue I feel this way. He thinks I love him and that’s fine. I just hope all his behaviors change as he matures and as a result of our happy household. Let me also mention that I have a 3 yr old step son with a different mother and we get along great! We do birthdays, holidays together, I really like her and she feels the same! She tells me all the time how lucky she is to have her son have a stepmom like myself. I love that little boy so so much! He is my heart! I would do anything for him, die for him! protect him!! But it’s still not the same love as i have for my Bio daughter. And that is Ok. After reading all these comments, you have allowed me to express how i feel and that I’m not some mean old nasty step mother. I feel better…sorry this is so long, but i just had to get it all out. Good luck to all step moms out there! It’s hard!!
I personally blog also and I’m posting a little something
very close to this excellent posting, “Taboo Topics: Things Stepmothers Don’t Want to
Say Out Loud, Part 1 Step In the Blender”. Would you mind if I reallyutilize a number
of of your personal ideas? Thank you -Shenna
I’m ok with that if you link back to this blog please.
So, I struggle with this.. If I don’t love her (7, almost 8 years old), should I leave? I know she can feel that I don’t love her like I love my daughter who is a year older. Am I going to mess up her life and mind by not loving her like I do mine? I miss time alone with my daughter (9 years old) . I feel like the step daughter is making mine AND my daughter’s life harder than it needs to be. I think there are more than one person for everyone- I love my man, but I won’t die without him. Is it not fair for me to stay and work on it more? I’ve been with him 2 years and I still don’t like her. Is it just the right thing for me to do- leave? Or more of the same, take it and take it until I’ve damaged her heart, my heart, my man’s heart and my daughter’s heart with the apathy that I’ve created to get through the day? The fake happy mask I put on is wearing thinner every day.
This is probably a question a lot of step-mother’s face. Should I leave?
I’ve thought about it as well. However, I know that she will one day grow up & she won’t be living with us (albeit part time) anymore. Things will get easier too as she gets older. You have to do what’s best for you. I started going to therapy to help me cope with my SD. You could consider this too?
Two weeks later and that ^ was a little hard to read. I was crying so hard that day. Some good news… my daughter wanted to go the mall and for some reason… the step-daughter didn’t want to go. I said, “are you sure?” (jumping for joy inside to have a moment with my girl) and she said “yeah.” My boyfriend said, “you sure you don’t want to go with them?” she said, “yeah, I just want to watch a movie and relax.” 🙂 🙂 🙂 It was a gift from God who heard me. It was so refreshing, and the few hours together made the rest of our time with the whole family since, SO much easier. It helped me not feel so negative toward the other.
♥ I have to say that it’s plain healthy to ask for what you need. (Though I know I didn’t straight up ask my man and sd. But I’m going to start). That alone time with your child should be ok. Like time apart from your mate, its healthy.
♥ Next, I have done a LOT of praying. I’ve prayed our whole time together and I guess that’s why I felt so hopeless. It never seemed to get better. But, while I was going through this same episode ^, I was also having a hard time feeling good at ALL. I was d e p r e s s e d. I know I battle with it. I know being a mom, a single mom first, and the stress we all experience daily, combined with the issues from my childhood, and living in the Northern Hemisphere have given me mental things that need help. St. John’s Wort wasn’t working. Sunshine and exercise- a little. But, last week I discovered a small dose of Valerian Root helps me stay calm and loving in the busy mornings and the worn out, nothing left to give- evenings. I needed HELP. I’ve been working on recognizing when I feel the worst toward my step-daughter and it’s when I’m stressed out and tired, sick of cleaning, sick of doing EVeryThing, and in that moment, I now try to stop, take some Valerian, calm down, PRAY, and change my mindset and Hey- It’s not perfect, but it’s WAY better, and getting better is all I ask. . Hope for us as a family to tolerate each other and create/allow space to give LOVE a chance. It’s helped my attitude, especially toward the sd, a LOT. I love God. 🙂 ♥ and I love my family. I do. I needed help.
♥Just one more thing. I was reading a lot of these again today and something I noticed… we are all bitchin about our step-DAUGHTERS. Anyone feel this way about a step-SON? Can we admit that a least a little part of this is our natural tendency to hate other females? 🙂 Seriously, I know I do it. I know the bio-mom of my step-daughter hasn’t done anything to me, but in my mind she’s a pathetic, slutty x-stripper that doesn’t take good enough care of her daughter, never will, and Obviously wasn’t a good wife either, so there’s no way in hell she will Ever stack up to THIS. 🙂 I’m totally exaggerating, and I catch myself feeling that way- and check it, but common. My SD looks like her too and I know I project that lady onto her.
♥♥♥ Being conscious of yourself is a step in the right direction. You will NEVER be good enough. That’s how this world is made. But you can pay attention to your mind and actions and ask for help when needed and that’s a good start.♥♥♥
Sorry to preach. God Bless Our World.
♥
I am glad you’re feeling better & found a solution! Listen, I make a lot of “me” time on weekends my SD is around b/c its the only way for me to cope. So I keep myself busy. AND its how I stay sane. You are more than entitled to time alone with your bio-daughter. Why wouldn’t you?! You guys need to bond. If your SD was your bio-kid, you’d find time to spend one-on-one time with both kids too right? Each of the children deserve that special time w/o their sibling.
And there are a lot of stories on here about step-son’s! It just so happens I think a lot of them are about SD’s for some reason. I am sure I’d feel the same if I had a SS. I just have a harder time with this whole set-up than maybe the next person.
Most of us realize that men are wired differently, and in this case, I’m coming to believe that it’s especially so when it comes to this topic. My husband of 14 years has lately been taking issue with my relationship with his daughter (now 20). In the beginning, I tried to be more ‘motherly’ to her and it backfired. BioMom took issue, and I settled into a ‘best supporting actress’ role. That is, my job is to support my husband, to be the best dad he can be, and minimize the negative impact (for her) of splitting time between two households.
We had two boys along the way (now 10 and 12). Over the years, I have tried to reach out to my stepdaughter (at my husband’s request)… let her know that she can come to me for anything. Yet, she never has. I care for her deeply, I’ve always been fair, kind and respectful. She’s a great kid, great student, and is kind and respectful back to me. I’ve helped to raise her (every other weekend and every Thursday) for 14+ years. Yet, the love my stepdaughter and I share is nowhere close to the love I share with our boys.
My husband is offended by my admitting this. In his mind, I should love all three of his children equally, as he does. (Ahem, don’t even get me started on the “he’s shown her more love and attention than he’s ever shown our boys, due to his divorce guilt” tangent.) And, by the way, I don’t believe my stepdaughter is wishing for a deeper bond with me, it’s only my husband that it bothers.
I’ve read in some of the posts by men, above, the same sentiment… that the stepdaughter is part of husband, and by extension, the stepmom should have the same kind of bond. If you choose to love the stepchild, then choose, commit, and just have those feelings. I don’t know… maybe it works that way for men, and for some women. But for many of us real, honest, committed step moms, it just doesn’t materialize. And yet, despite not getting the ‘warm fuzzy’ rewards, we still do right, by our step kids.
So, does anyone have any ideas for how to get my husband to Let It Be?
Hi There! I have a SD & I can totally relate to what you’re saying.
My SD is a great kid & we have a good relationship. My husband, however, has no expectations from me. I don’t believe you can love your SD the same as you love your own children. You didn’t birth her, you’re not her Mommy & like you say, you don’t get the ‘warm fuzzy’ rewards. And I totally get it. I put on the mom act ever other weekend & every other Wednesday. While my SD is affectionate with me, I don’t get the same rewards & acknowledgement that her birth parents do. Put it this way – your SD doesn’t love you the way she loves her bio-mom. Why on earth are you required to love her the way you do your own kids? My suggestion would be to put the words differently which would be this: You love our SD in a different way. You care about her well-being, you are there for her, you care for her like you do your bio-children but your feelings for her are different but in a special way. It’s a different type of relationship. And I would totally point out the fact that she wouldn’t love you the same way she loves her mom. That’s just nature. That’s how it goes. No one should place expectations on you for your feelings towards a person that isn’t your flesh & blood. Example: You love your other family members but not the same way you’d love your husband or your bio-kids. Everyone is loved in their own, unique way. Make sense?
So what about this? What if you just plain don’t like who they are? Personality traits? As in, if I were her age I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t want to hang out with her. She’s not just emotionally immature, though she very much is that, she’s got some strange things going on inside- as in, I don’t think she has empathy for anyone. I’ve wondered if she can “feel”. I try to work with her all the time on “seeing other people” but it hasn’t gotten better. When she’s in deep trouble, she’ll get very agreeable, to get the lecture over with, but she doesn’t hear what you are saying. So what then? It’s not cool to be rude or mean, it’s not cool to lie, if I knew her in any other circumstance, I’d politely distance myself from this person. I wish I would have known who SHE was a little better before loving her dad. Yet, in this situation I feel so stuck, like I can’t be true to myself because she freakin Bugs me and being fake nice doesn’t feel right. I want our love to grow, but here I am, back on this sight for insight.
SHe’s not my style. Not my kind of people. But I have to buck up and Like her? ‘You gotta be a friend to make friends, little one, and when you keep treating people like sh*t, lying to them, breaking their stuff, no respect, no consideration- after chance, after chance, after chance, people don’t Want to make a good relationship with you.’
I know, I know, I’m the grown up. That’s why I’m still around. This is just the stuff that swims in my head. and btw, she lives with us- in denver, while her bio-mom lives in southern california. She goes out there for a couple months in the summer and a couple weeks in the winter. So it’s me. Just me- doing the mom thing. Her mom takes her to the beach (once) and lets her eat candy cereal and watch the Exorcist. I raise her. I can’t back off like I’d like to or I would. I’m in or I’m out.
Maybe it wouldn’t be so hard if my girl wasn’t so loving, creative, and rad. Its sounds terrible but it’s true. (I worry that the SD is going to, one day, start making bad choices and influencing my girl. I see how interested she is in everything naughty. it’s crazy.) Should that be a real concern, anyone?
Bless!
@D in OC- it sounds to me like you did it right. Your stepdaughter and you have a good relationship. I think we all get a little defensive of our own children, and I think that your man will come around. Which could be a long time from now but let him process. I feel the same way when I let my man in on some deeper, truthful, ethereal thinking- like, he doesn’t understand. He just doesn’t. I often regret telling him my deeper thoughts. Give him time..
@rainbowbabymaker- people do place expectations on us. People that aren’t us. It’s why we’re reading this right now. You’re right that it shouldn’t be that way. It gets old sometimes. btw- rainbow family?
Thank you for validating. My feelings as a step mom of over five years at first i felt very maternal. Towardd my stepkids. But the i have my own kids to take care of and i can not be a mother to kids who a) don’ t want a relationship with me and b) haveBible a hate filled mother who constently lies to them about me and their father. Maybe someday we can have a relationship but it is not my responciblity to parent them. I look at myself more as a teacher in thier lifes love me or hate me but you still have to be nice, do you homework, follow house rules ect.
As a newly divorced dad, reading these comments scare me about getting back into the dating pool. I don’t think I could be with someone who didn’t at least LIKE my kids. I love them, they’re a part of me, and if you have to hide away in a room whenever they come over, well, that’s not going to work. I’m scared to death I’ll end up with someone who is only pretending to like my children, or who change their mind about them after we’re married. Even if I do meet a new significant other who I’m crazy about, my children will always come first, and I think that’s the way it is for most parents. I wouldn’t want to subject my children to a stepmom who doesn’t like them, they only get one childhood, and even though I’m divorced from their mother I want it to be a pleasant childhood for them.
Hate to say it, but you should be scared. Stepfamilies are not an easy endeavor. The one piece of advice that I will give you is that if you want remarriage to be successful, try lining your priorities up like this:
1. God
2. Spouse
3. Children
I remember hearing that in church after my first husband and I divorced. I thought it was the most screwed-up, radical thing I had ever heard. My spouse before my children??? As I entered into my relationship with DH, I rearranged my priority list and put him in the #2 position. This didn’t mean that we were forsaking our children for each other. Just the opposite. Making our relationship a priority strengthened the family.
With that being said, I will tell you that many SMs hide in the other room when the kids are over (or leave the house) because her DH has not made sure that the kids treat her with respect and common courtesy. This is critical. They may not like your partner, but they do need to treat her with respect. Conversely, she may not love your children,but she does need to treat them with kindness.
Hopefully your children are not horrible creatures. Sometimes parents do NOT wish to see their children’s BAD behavior. If I was you, I would raise your children as you are and keep away from the stepmoms. WHY have a stepmom in their lives. Just go out and have fun with different females and enjoy yourself. That way you can raise your own children by yourself. MUCH easier that way. IF more people did this before running and getting involved with other people…kids in general would be MUCH better off and much happier in the long run. AFTER your children are raised…or at least almost adults…THEN you can find the woman of your dreams…and the kids might be better able to relate to them. Kids do NOT like a step parents coming into the middle of the mix. Especially ones who do NOT like them. I agree sometimes kids do make it very hard to be liked….but again..kids should come FIRST…not the new spouse…No man has to love my children. BUT, I would never be with a man who did not like my kids. Never. My kids come first. I would wait until my kids are closer to adults before running around having to have some husband or boyfriend. I had my kids…now let me raise them without a hot mess of a problem.
Thank you for writing this. I have struggled with this for almost 6 years. When I met my now husband, he was not able to see his daughters do to issues with their mother. We were already engaged when I met them. It ha always been very hard on me since we have 3 kids together. I felt like a horrible person especially since I have a step mom and step dad and I love them dearly. Thank you for not making me feel like there is something wrong with me. I treat then both the same as my bio children when it comes to discipline and gifts but I just don’t feel a connection or a love there.
I do believe that you don’t have to have a close relationship or love for your Stepkids. As long as you treat them with respect & they do the same to you, you can live in harmony.
There are a lot of things that can happen in life that will affect your relationship with your step kids. You will have your ups & downs. As would you if it were your bio-kids. Through out my 4 year relationship with my now husband, I’ve had many ups & downs with my SD. And this was through loosing a baby of our own, her mother making our lives difficult & even some times the personality of my step-daughter. It’s not always easy. Some days I like her more than other days. Some days I love her more than other days. Some times I enjoy her company, some times I can do with out. There’s nothing you can do if you feel this way to change it. It’s NOT your child. End of.
There is a reason we have the saying how it’s fun to play with other people’s children & great because they go home with their parents at the end of the night. Even grandparents have a limit on how much they want to take care of their grandchildren. It’s totally normal.
And another thing, you can’t help it if you meet someone with young children & as they get older there is a strain on the relationship with your step kids. This can happen in Bio families as well. I had a very strained relationship with my mother. And she gave birth to me. So really, Stepmom’s easily get a bad rap & its about time people appreciated what we need to go through to have the relationship we have with our husbands & all the things we do for our step kids & husband when they’re with us. It’s not an easy shoe to fill & yet millions of us do it every day. Some have it easier than others.