I hate the month of June

29 Jun

June sucks.  Big time.  I become paralyzed in May and it usually lasts until the 4th of July.  It’s a hard month for me, here’s why:  my father was born and died in June, my grandfather (who was the man who did most of my raising) was born in June (he died the same year as my father), my grandparent’s anniversary is in June, and Father’s Day is in June.  June is a reminder of everything I have lost.  I hate June. 

So many times during the month of June, I find myself curled in a ball, bawling my eyes out, but this June was a little bit better.  It’s been 9 years since my father and grandfather have passed.  How do I know?  I look at my middle daughter.  I was pregnant when my dad died and 6 weeks postpartum when my grandfather died.  Every year I say to myself, “This is the year to heal,” and every year I fall desperately short.  This year was better.  Finally. 

"This one is for Papa!" my daughter said before she went on stage.

My father was born in Hawai’i and I’ve made sure that my kids stay in touch with Hawaiian culture by having them dance in a halau (hula school).  My 8-year old is the consummate performer of my brood and has been lighting up luaus since she was 3.  My 3-year old performed a couple times last year, but has had a major case of performance anxiety this year.  She would be excited about going to practice and then proceed to cry and refuse to dance.  It just so happened that on June 11th, the 9th anniversary of my father’s death, our halau was dancing at a luau.  My 3-year old proclaimed boldly that she would dance, and when the time came, she did a Tahitian number with the rest of her hula sisters.  Her big sister and I were so proud that she finally broke through her fear. Perhaps he was the guardian angel on her shoulder, giving her the confidence she needed to perform.   Instead of spending the day in tears (like I normally would), I was given a wonderful opportunity to quietly celebrate my father’s life by watching my girls dance.  It was bittersweet.  He’s the grandpa that my girls will never know except through photos and stories.  He would have been 67 this year. 

And ironically enough, I’m posting this on June 29th which would have been my grandfather’s 97th birthday.  He would have been equally tickled watching his great-granddaughters’ dance (my mom and aunt were both professional Polynesian dancers). 

The loss of a parent deeply affects a child, even an adult child.  Healing takes time.  I’ve come a long way in nine years, but I still have so much farther to go. 

Have you lost a parent?  How do you remember or celebrate his/her life?  How do you keep his/her memory alive for your children?

8 Responses to “I hate the month of June”

  1. Tara (thedivorceencouragist) June 29, 2011 at 4:13 pm #

    I was wondering where you’ve been. Sorry to hear of your sadness… glad to hear of your family legacies living on through your girls.

    I haven’t lost a parent and I don’t have my own kids… The closest I can come to answering your questions is to say that my sister and I get together every year and eat ice cream on my deceased grandfather’s birthday. He loved ice cream and we prefer to focus on the “sweet” part of “bittersweet”.

    • BioStep June 29, 2011 at 7:51 pm #

      Thanks Tara. I love that you have ice cream to celebrate your grandpa.

      I’ve been wanting to take my girls to the zoo lately and now I think I know why, my grandfather used to take me to the LA Zoo quite often when I was little.

      • fattah June 8, 2012 at 8:04 am #

        You can’t help someone that doesn’t want to help thveselems. All you can do is be there for him and support him. Keep reminding him of his resolution, but don’t nag him. Good luck! e299a5

  2. Stephanie June 29, 2011 at 6:56 pm #

    May is mine. My grandmother died April 30, 1995 and 4 weeks later May 28th my dad died.

    Sometimes I don’t even realize I have begun my shut down or whatever it is that happens. But for 16 years in the month of May, I am different. I hate it.

    I just wanted to say I understand.

    • BioStep June 29, 2011 at 7:49 pm #

      Thank you. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one!

  3. Teresa June 30, 2011 at 8:23 am #

    I too have lost a parent, and as you said, it is hard, even for an adult! My daughter was 10 months old when my mom died, and 15 years later it is still hard! My bad month is May. I lost my mother-in-law just after Mother’s day, just one month before we got married. Then 4 years later lost my mom Memorial Day weekends. And with Mother’s day…May sucks for me! They say time heals, but I believe you just go on and each year is a little less hurtful. You don’t get used to it, you just learn to live a “different” normal.
    My daughter will never know her Grandmothers but through photos and stories. I try to talk about them when I can, but it is still sad to me that she won’t really know them.
    I still find myself wishing my mom was here so I could ask her questions or get her opinion. I just tell myself that she is watching, and I hope she is proud!

  4. ChapmansRus June 30, 2011 at 11:50 am #

    I lost my dad a year ago in August… I think right now I’m mostly in denial about coping with it… I push it to the back & try to ignore it.. His birthday would have been in March, he would have been 59. Since both of my kids have birthdays in March it was easy to focus on them although the joint birthday we usually do was noticed & missed… My dad loved long rides in the car over back roads… throughout this last year we’ve been on a few of those trips & just tried to appreciate it through his eyes… I miss him & it’s hard to think about…


  5. Sara Huizenga December 2, 2012 at 12:17 pm #

    I feel like my grief is like being in the ocean – sometimes it’s calm while othertimes huge (often unexpected) waves roll over me – and no matter how hard I try to swim back to land – I know I’ll never really reach the shore again. I’m a bio-step, my Dad died when I was twelve and my Step Dad (my blog about him – http://papamore.blogspot.com) went to Heaven January of ’09, right during the midst of my awful divorce saga ….

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