Archive | November, 2011

When the Lines Get Blurry: Letting your BioKids go to his ex’s house

22 Nov

     Have you as a BioStepMom ever let your BioKids spend the night at the home of your StepChildren/DH’s ex-wife’s home? If that question hasn’t come up for you, consider it for a moment. Would you? Would you if you had no relationship with DH’s ex?
     I know of a few blended families in which the lines are blurred and biosiblings, stepsiblings and half-siblings spend time with all branches of their family tree. Recently an interesting challenge came up for one of BioStepMom friends. She and her DH have a “mine, yours and ours” family, much like mine except they have a whole lot of girls. She has 3, he has 2 and together they have 1. One day, her stepdaughters asked if it would be okay if her daughters spent the night at their house. After a “let me think about that” response to 6 girls excitedly jumping up and down at the prospect of a sleepover in a new location, she discussed the proposal with her DH. Without hesitation he said, “Sure, if it’s ok with my ex, it’s okay with me. What do you think?” That’s when things got a little sticky. While things were good between DH and his ex after many years of battling, she still did not have a relationship with the mother of her stepchildren. DH was completely confident in his ex-wife’s ability to make sure all the girls had fun at this blended family slumber party extravaganza, but she just couldn’t say “yes”. Very few words had been exchanged between the two women, and that ones that were spoken were terse and often unkind (on the part of his ex). She said, “I felt bad about being the person that said ‘no’ to this whole deal because the girls were so excited about it, but to me it felt like the equivalent of handing my girls over to a complete stranger, even though they have met her and have been to her house. I don’t even have her phone number or address.”
     So what about you BioStepMoms? What would you do? Would you blur the lines and let your children go because your DH is confident that his ex will be kind to your children despite her lack of relationship with you? Do you think that this kind of leap of faith would lead to starting a new relationship with his ex? Or, would you say “no” and perhaps offer up a slumber party atmosphere for a weekend instead of the typical EOW routine? What makes you uncomfortable about this situation? Sound off BioStepMoms!

Advertisements

BM | SM | WFC?

3 Nov

Pick your battles

There’s a discussion group on Facebook that typically has lots of fireworks between BMs and SMs (the group is open to both).  I watch the heated discussions, but rarely post.  In a recent thread, an SM said she was thankful for the group and was hoping for better relations with BM.  The BM replied with the same argument that we’ve all heard:  don’t call me BM, it’s the same abbreviation as “Bowel Movement” and the term “Biological Mother” is more appropriate for women that have given up their children.

Here’s an SM publicly holding out an olive branch and the BM takes issue with an abbreviation.  And we wonder why BMs and SMs can’t get along? 

BMs that take issue with “BM” listen up, “BM” and “SM” are acronyms that are commonly used when writing on the internet.  Other acronyms include:

                                                                                                                                                                                          SD = Stepdaughter          BD=Biological Daughter

SS=Stepson                        BS=Biological Son

SK=Stepkids                       BK=Biological Kids

DH=Dear Husband           BF=Boyfriend

Sure we could write out “my husband’s ex-wife” or “the mother of my stepchildren” or use your first and last name, but  c’mon.  Pick your battles.  We all know who the mom and the stepmom is in the relationship.  “BM” and “SM” are internet/texting shorthand terms and in all honesty, are probably a lot better than what the other women would like to call you some of the time.  Furthermore, if you’re using terms like “lol”, “omw”, “cya”, “btw” or “jk”, you should probably think twice about criticizing the use of “BM” or “SM”. 

Let’s focus more on building working relationships with the BM or SM in our lives to make things easier for the children instead of taking offense over internet acronyms.  JS (just sayin’).

 Postscript (11-4-11): as the thread developed on the page, it turns out that the BM and SM are on friendly terms and the comment was meant in jest, but of course the tone was lost in writing.  Still, this is an argument that has come up time and time again, which is evidence by the very long thread debating acronyms.  As I’ve stated before, we know who gave birth to the child and we all know who the stepmother is.  Let’s do our best to raise the children and try to get along for their sake.