Pick your battles
There’s a discussion group on Facebook that typically has lots of fireworks between BMs and SMs (the group is open to both). I watch the heated discussions, but rarely post. In a recent thread, an SM said she was thankful for the group and was hoping for better relations with BM. The BM replied with the same argument that we’ve all heard: don’t call me BM, it’s the same abbreviation as “Bowel Movement” and the term “Biological Mother” is more appropriate for women that have given up their children.
Here’s an SM publicly holding out an olive branch and the BM takes issue with an abbreviation. And we wonder why BMs and SMs can’t get along?
BMs that take issue with “BM” listen up, “BM” and “SM” are acronyms that are commonly used when writing on the internet. Other acronyms include:
SD = Stepdaughter BD=Biological Daughter
SS=Stepson BS=Biological Son
SK=Stepkids BK=Biological Kids
DH=Dear Husband BF=Boyfriend
Sure we could write out “my husband’s ex-wife” or “the mother of my stepchildren” or use your first and last name, but c’mon. Pick your battles. We all know who the mom and the stepmom is in the relationship. “BM” and “SM” are internet/texting shorthand terms and in all honesty, are probably a lot better than what the other women would like to call you some of the time. Furthermore, if you’re using terms like “lol”, “omw”, “cya”, “btw” or “jk”, you should probably think twice about criticizing the use of “BM” or “SM”.
Let’s focus more on building working relationships with the BM or SM in our lives to make things easier for the children instead of taking offense over internet acronyms. JS (just sayin’).
Step In the Blender 
SMH 🙂
I know! This is how utterly petty it can get.
This had me LMAO. I’ve even used BM to describe myself!!
I’ve used BM to describe myself as well, as I’m both. What’s the name of the FB group, if I may ask?
I’d like the keep the name of the group private. However, I will tell you that this has happened in LOTS of online groups as well as IRL (sorry, couldn’t help but use the acronym).
I loved reading this post! I am a BM and a SM and I often use BM when talking about myself on the web so I don’t consider it a negative when I refer to my step kids Mom as BM. Seriously if that’s the biggest thing you have to be worried about as a BM when it comes to dealing with the SM – count yourself as extremely lucky!
I’m with you, Lisa. If it’s the only thing there is to worry about, you should get down on your knees and thank the good Lord. However, if it’s the first thing on a very long list of issues that you have with the SM, you’ve set yourself up for a long and painful journey that in the end, only hurts the kids.
“We all know who the mom and the stepmom is in the relationship.” This kind of thing is why we started using “TM” for the mom in my favorite discussion group. It may just being semantics to a lot of us, but if it’s a sticking point for one person, it’s worth giving it up if you truly want to extend an olive branch.
Just to play Devil’s advocate: there are some custodial stepmoms that are the only mother that the child really knows. Would they qualify for TM status? Does a Mom still qualify as The Mom if she’s abandoned or given up all rights to her children? See, this is my point. They are just acronyms. Some of us are getting caught up in the alphabet and not focusing on the real issues.
Postscript (11-4-11): as the thread developed on the page, it turns out that the BM and SM are on friendly terms and the comment was meant in jest, but of course the tone was lost in writing. Still, this is an argument that has come up time and time again, which is evidence by the very long thread debating acronyms. As I’ve stated before, we know who gave birth to the child and we all know who the stepmother is. Let’s do our best to raise the children and try to get along for their sake.
Good to know it was a friendly inside joke. Unfortunately so often it is not.
This is what gets me about the whole discussion and insistence on “TM” over “BM”. (And yes, I’m a stepmom who considers herself -a- mom. But even that aside . . .) I work with unadvantaged kids- with kids who’s parents were too selfish to see that their lifestyles are terribly harmful to a child. And well, I think “birth mother” should be taken as a compliment. Not all maybe, but most birth mothers go through a HARD emotional process giving up their kids because they know it’s the RIGHT thing for them to do. It’s the BIGGEST self sacrifice there is- giving your child away so they can have a better life than you feel you can give. Talk about love! It’s King Solomon’s choice- the mom most worth of the child is the one willing to let him go to keep him safe. The term BM, even if what you think of is “birth mother” (I think bio-mom, but whatever) is NOT an insult.
If the acronym “BM” is a problem (I’m a BM and SM by the way)..then a case can also be argued on using the term stepmom(dad). A “step” is something you walk on. So, in the interest of being politically correct, maybe we should be called Bonus Mom’s from now on. But, then we have that pesky “BM” acronym again.
If someone is offended by being referred to as “BM” and thinks it makes them sound like fecal matter…maybe they need to direct their focus on their own emotional maturity. Sounds like a big bucket of insecurity to me, and I’d be willing to bet that these are the BM’s that can’t get along with their ex spouse and their new partner.
AMEN!!!!!!!!!!! Our BM once told DH that he needed to tell me to stop referring to her as BM. I have refused and think she’s an idiot over it because she uses absolutely every other shorthand known to man! (though instead of referring to me as “SM” it’s usually “StepB!tch”)
Very few women really care enough to make a stink about it. I’m a BM and SM.
I hear someone calling my name….”Mawm?!” Duty calls.
I could give two beans about what the SM/DH or whoever calls me, as long as it’s in the process of trying to do something positive to help the relationships. I’m not about to start a big fight over some initials.
What’s funny to me is when I see BM the first thing I think is BioMom, not the other! …LoL
Me too! BM isn’t a word that I use to describe that particular body function. To me BM equals, “birth mom” or “biomom” both of which I wear proudly!
I once saw an oval sticker on a car that said “CM”. At first, I didn’t know what it stood for, so I googles the acronym and found a long list of possibilities including “cervical mucus”. Eventually, I figured out that the sticker I saw was actually an advertisement for “Cape May”.
“Cape May”… “Cervical Mucus”… Yet, nobody is complaing about oval stickers. In fact, people pay money to proudly put them on their cars!
WTF, BMs?
This was a great post with wonderful discussion in the comments! Thank you, BioStep!
I agree that getting caught-up in acronyms seems very petty. I do understand, though, why some women who are involved Moms having to share their child with another “mother-like” figure would focus a lot on the language. I’ve recently been focusing on the concept that our language effects our thinking.
For instance, the prefix “step” comes from “stepping in” on behalf of a deceased biological parent. As such, I think this very term sets up issues of territoriality – especially when the biological mother or The Mom is still very much The Mom – as is the case for both of my bonus daughters. I choose to use the prefix “Bonus” to describe my role and my family members because I am “in addition to” their own moms – not a replacement or someone who is stepping in.
However, this does not always go over well with others. I honestly don’t care. It helps keep me in check and reminds me to keep my thinking in the right place and it also helps keep me positive about my relationships. They are very much a bonus in my life and I am blessed.
I’ve worked in a health-related field all my adult life, so when I see “BM” the first thing I think is bowel movement.
I don’t mind typing out a few extra characters if it makes someone else feel more respected.
Thank-you Krista, Respect is exactly the point.
When my children’s stepmother entered their lives they were 14 and 11. She chose to speak untruths about me in public forums and accused me of all kinds of crazy stuff. And this was my first encounter with the term “BM” outside of a medical setting.
I was curious if the offense I felt was at all justified so I brought it up with my counselor. She was horrified by the lack of respect as well.
I am raising my children. This woman happened to marry my ex and spends a total of about 4 weeks each year with them. Because she and the ex have chosen to lie to the kids and forced the kids to be involved in things they did not want to, I am in the position of encouraging the kids to contact them, requiring them to send thank-you’s etc.
I know my view and feeling on this is not a popular one, but I do believe that the very least my ex’s wife can do is refer to me as their mother. That is just 4 more letters.
As others have said- there is plenty of emotion already involved in these situations. The best way to diffuse something is to show each other some respect- and calling a person a BM is certainly not going to accomplish that.