When the Lines Get Blurry: Letting your BioKids go to his ex’s house

22 Nov

     Have you as a BioStepMom ever let your BioKids spend the night at the home of your StepChildren/DH’s ex-wife’s home? If that question hasn’t come up for you, consider it for a moment. Would you? Would you if you had no relationship with DH’s ex?
     I know of a few blended families in which the lines are blurred and biosiblings, stepsiblings and half-siblings spend time with all branches of their family tree. Recently an interesting challenge came up for one of BioStepMom friends. She and her DH have a “mine, yours and ours” family, much like mine except they have a whole lot of girls. She has 3, he has 2 and together they have 1. One day, her stepdaughters asked if it would be okay if her daughters spent the night at their house. After a “let me think about that” response to 6 girls excitedly jumping up and down at the prospect of a sleepover in a new location, she discussed the proposal with her DH. Without hesitation he said, “Sure, if it’s ok with my ex, it’s okay with me. What do you think?” That’s when things got a little sticky. While things were good between DH and his ex after many years of battling, she still did not have a relationship with the mother of her stepchildren. DH was completely confident in his ex-wife’s ability to make sure all the girls had fun at this blended family slumber party extravaganza, but she just couldn’t say “yes”. Very few words had been exchanged between the two women, and that ones that were spoken were terse and often unkind (on the part of his ex). She said, “I felt bad about being the person that said ‘no’ to this whole deal because the girls were so excited about it, but to me it felt like the equivalent of handing my girls over to a complete stranger, even though they have met her and have been to her house. I don’t even have her phone number or address.”
     So what about you BioStepMoms? What would you do? Would you blur the lines and let your children go because your DH is confident that his ex will be kind to your children despite her lack of relationship with you? Do you think that this kind of leap of faith would lead to starting a new relationship with his ex? Or, would you say “no” and perhaps offer up a slumber party atmosphere for a weekend instead of the typical EOW routine? What makes you uncomfortable about this situation? Sound off BioStepMoms!

6 Responses to “When the Lines Get Blurry: Letting your BioKids go to his ex’s house”

  1. Syn November 23, 2011 at 2:11 am #

    No. I need to know and trust a parent who will have the responsibility for the care of my children. All I know about hubby’s ex is negative…her personality, her parenting skills are SO different than how we raise our kids in our home, her attitude towards me. There are too many negatives in the situation for this to have ever been allowed.

  2. g2-32c422115379e4fb46ec00558e4ccb2aJ November 23, 2011 at 3:44 am #

    Not a chance in Hades!

  3. Kandice November 23, 2011 at 11:29 am #

    If the situation described was ours, I think that my rules that apply for others would be enough. Before my children sleep over anywhere I meet the mother & father, visit their home for at least 15 minutes, and require phone numbers (including home, cell, and a neighbor). It may sound extreme, but in today’s world, even that amount of information can leave my children vulnerable. If BM couldn’t give that info, then no, my children would not be allowed to go.

  4. Brandi November 28, 2011 at 6:14 am #

    It took me a VERY long time before I would let our Daughters spend the night at my husbands ex’s house. However they really enjoy it. It takes alot of thought and self talks to let this happen. I was worried to death the first night but they did great. To me it shows trust that the BM has to give us when taking care of her child and we should return that favor. It took 7 years to get to the point and I hope it continues to get better.

  5. Melissa Cohen December 1, 2011 at 4:33 pm #

    I’ve done a visit. An afternoon. Not a sleepover. Our relationship (mine and hers) is civil, occasionally warm, but always somewhat strained and artificial. BUT – she’s trusting me with her children. And I think it’s good for my stepdaughters to be able to share their home with my daughter – after all, my daughter has been sharing her home and toys with them since she was born. It’s complicated – but I agree with the previous poster that it’s a matter of trust. I treat her children the way I would want my own treated, and trust that she’ll do the same.

  6. rainbowbabymaker May 9, 2012 at 12:23 pm #

    I would trust my SD’s mom. I don’t particularly like her but I’d trust her to have my kid over. Like some have said – she trusts me with her kid!

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